


Shake it off

by Granjolrass, High King Fen (Gizmo)



Category: The Magicians (TV), The Magicians - Lev Grossman
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Depressionn, F/M, Fingering, Foursome, Hand Job, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Mention of Child Abuse, Morning Sex, Multi, Ridding, Self Harm Thoughts, Sex Magic, Sex in chapter 6 and beyond, Suicidal Thoughts, Threesome, anxiety attack, blowjob, fox-fucked, queliot, tw: mention of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-06 12:04:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 56,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11035842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Granjolrass/pseuds/Granjolrass, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gizmo/pseuds/High%20King%20Fen
Summary: Dean Fogg promised Quentin he didn't need his medication anymore. But what if he was wrong? What if he needed them. And what if, the first person to notice it, was Eliot.





	1. Bad Blood

At first he wanted to go talk to dean Fogg about it. But let’s be real, talking to him never end up in good things and you left his office more confuse than you were before.

Then he thought to go see the medical kids but this is something even they couldn’t fix. And he didn’t trusted them enough to tell them everything. 

So he knew what he had to do, go back to the real world and get them himself. He had no choice.He needed his medication He felt like a failure. Especially after the dean told him he believed in him and he could do without. Well, he decided that was just one more name to the list of people he let down. Right after adding Julia to it. 

But going back in New York, meant having to come back here by himself. And he knew he couldn’t. Lucky like he was, the first time, he arrived at Brakebills by mistake. So he needed someone to be with him, or at least show him how to get back. That complicated things. So he mentally started to make a list of everyone he could ask. Then got sad because the list was incredibly tinny. 

Alice: She would be as clueless as him to come back. Though the rumor were that she found Brakebills by herself since she wasn’t invited and someone in her family use to come here. Quentin was sure she would know about the wards and how to find the door. But really, he couldn’t align two sentence that make sense in front of her. So forget about explaining why he needed to leave for a day. 

Penny: Just no. That guy was scary and Quentin was sure he hated him. So no. Ok like maybe he could ask if it was desperate. But he hadn’t reach that point yet. 

Kady: Since she is with Penny, to be avoided as much as he could. 

Margo: The girl was a bombshell. Honestly, she might have come in one or two of his fantasy when he was jerking off. But from the little he knew from her, she was cruel and didn’t care about anyone but herself and Eliot. Quentin was sure she would use what he would tell her against him and honestly, it would put him down more than he was now. 

Eliot: It was the obvious choice. They once went out together to go find the flying book hidden at the Hedge Witch safe house. And haven’t talked about Julia’s new hobby after Quentin had made pretty clear that he didn’t want to talk about it. The problem was that he doesn’t do things for free. And he had no idea what would be the price to pay. 

Putting a hand in his hair, Quentin got up from his bed where he had been fixing at the ceiling for the past hour. To make his brain stop thinking, he had put Taylor Swift newest album in his ipod and was blasting her latest hit. It was stupid and catchy, but it became a guilty pleasure. One he needed right now. It was the second time he went through the whole album, so he needed to push himself out of his room and try to do his exercises or, at least, shower and eat. When was the last time he ate, he couldn’t remember.

***

“Q, you realize it’s dark and everyone is inside now right?.”

Eliot voice took Quentin’s out of his head. He was pretending to read the next chapter for tomorrow's class but his eyes kept reading the same sentence without having understood one word. 

Three hours of homework and all he manage to do was improving his hand technique for the most basic of spell. Things Alice knew how to do even before coming here. Seeing her cast was seeing a ballet of finger dancing a song only she knew. She’d never understand how she was mesmerizing to watch. Next to her, Quentin felt like a toddler who didn’t understood the importance of motor skills. 

“What?” He said, rubbing his eyes. “Oh right. Yeah. Just got lost into homework.”  
“Ugh, boring. Come on in, I’ll make you a drink and I’ll make you forget everything you just learn”

Without waiting for him, Eliot went inside, giving Quentin not really much of a choice. Sighing, he put back his hair behind his ear, grabbed his book and went inside. Immediately, Margo grabbed him by the arm and pushed him on a couch next to Alice who -visibly- was forced too into having social interaction. 

“Here you go my darling” Said Eliot, appearing with two glasses full of a blue drink that was fuming. “Nothing to kill you, just one of my invention. The Icebreaker. One of these and you’ll stop being sad loners m’kay? ”

Alice looked at Quentin who shrug. Eliot with put that drink in their mouth by force if he had too. He’d remember seeing it happening at their first night at the cottage. 

“Cheers” He said and tapped his glass to Alice’s who reluctantly drank with him. 

Eliot grind widen as the two studen eyes became wide and made a grimace between ecstasy and bliss. Quentin’s chest was getting warmer by the second, filling a void he’d had for days now. For the first time in weeks, he felt at calm and away from his head. The eternal clench in chest seemed to slowly unknot and make him breath easier than he ever had.

“I know right” Eliot laugh before patting him on the head and leaving to mix another drink. 

“I am sure he casted a spell on that thing” Said Alice who, for once, was smiling. Her eyes were sparkling like he’d never seen. She seemed...happy. 

“Probably” Quentin said, taking another sip and getting more comfortable in his chair. “Honestly, I don’t give a shit”

He chuckle as Alice laughed while drinking and, now, was coughing. People were dancing as music started to invade the room. Magical joint were getting passed. Clothes were getting remove as the heat of the room started to rise and it didn’t took long for people to make out or getting busy in someone’s room.

Margo decided it was her task to show Alice how to dance like a lady that know what to do with her body. And, to be honest, Quentin didn’t mind. Drinking his second blue drink, he shamelessly look at the two girls moving their hips, accentuating their curve and Margo’s hand staying on Alice waist longer than needed. God his next jerk off will be full of those images. 

“I’m hot, let’s go outside” Said Eliot who just arrived in front of him.

He put Quentin’s drink down, took his hand and tug him outside with the grace and speed of a cat. A cute cat that make sure he’s always well put together before getting outside. 

“You shouldn’t drink more of that stuff if you want to remember tonight and the next two days.” Warned the second year while lighting a cigarette. 

As he blew the smoke, he gave him the pack of cigarette and, hesitated. He’d stop two years ago when Julia asked him to stop smoking after her grandmother died of lung cancer. It had been the hardest thing he’d done for her. 

You know what, fuck it. Julia clearly made clear their path were not only separate but something was broken and no bridge could ever repair it. He’d smoke and kill himself slowly if he wanted to. Be damned anyone that judge him. 

“Why are you trying so hard for Alice and me to blend, it’s not like we fit with the Phisical Kid” He ask as he pulled a cigarette out of the box and light it. 

God, it felt like a thirsty man’s first drink. The nicotine hit him hard and untie the last knot of nerve he had inside him. He was drunk, he was smoking. He wasn’t miserable. For once. 

“Sure you fit. If you are here, means you are one of us” Said Eliot, taking back his belonging and blowing the smoke out of his cherry lips. “Plus you looked sad, I’d figure being around people and drinking would help”

Quentin snorted. 

‘’No offence El, but seeing people was the last thing I needed ‘’. 

‘’ Well, you seem better than when I found you reading that book. What was it about. ‘’ 

‘’Amelia Popper's Practical Practices for Young Magicians’’

‘’Oh the basic.’’ Said Eliot, waiving his hand in the air doing a finger trick Quentin’s been struggling for the past week. Gre ‘’Believe me, this is long, painful and utterly irritating but - I hate to admit it- Brakebills is smart to teach it to us. We become better magicians and casting become so much easier after it. And it distinguished real magician that Hedge Bitch. ‘’

Quentin’s eye were following the elegant movement Eliot was doing in the air, but his last comment made him look down to his shoes. He haven’t seen Julia cast anything, but she was probably better than him already. She always was better than him at school, in any classes but the creative writing one. Hedge Witch or not, she was probably a better magician than he’ll ever be. 

‘’Oh hey’’ Said Eliot, putting a hand on Quentin’s shoulder. ‘’I didn’t meant to remind you…’’

Eliot was one of the rare person who knew about Julia. He had been with him when he’d discover where and with whom her friend was hanging now. It totally broke his heart. But the darkness he saw in her eyes stopped him to ask dean Fogg to consider her. She was too far gone to come here. 

‘’ It’s alright’’ He lied, stomping his cigarette with his shoes. ‘’ Thanks for the cigarette and the drinks. I’m gonna call it a night. ‘’

And before Eliot convinced him to stay, he rushed away and climbed the stairs by two so he could go in his room quicker. 

The moment he arrived, he grabbed his earphone and blasted Shake it off from Taylor Swift, wishing it would work with the demon creeping back in his head. He was now paying the past hour of calm and semi happiness with a chest pain so deep it felt like someone stabbed with a sword. A ball of sadness the size of a bowling ball sat on his stomach, making him wanting to vomit. Fuck. He was starting to breath faster, his eyes were watering. 

No. Julia didn’t deserve to make him feel like that. It wasn’t fair. He should be mad and upset and possibly prepare a revenge on her. Not crying in a pillow, trying not to have another panic attack. He wanted to hate her. But he was just worried and lonely. He wanted his friend back. Not the girl he saw back there,but the one that walked with him to get to his interview. Before all this madness started. 

Sobbing in his pillow, to be sure not to be heard downstairs, he felt despair coming to him. This was too much. Dean Fogg promised he didn’t need his medication anymore. That magic will solve everything. But fuck. Look at him. The anxiety and sadness was so invasive that he only wanted to hurt himself so the pain would go away, to a more specific and manageable place.

In his ear, Taylor Swift was singing a song too well fitted for this moment.

 _’Cause baby, now we've got bad blood, hey!_  
Now we've got problems  
And I don't think we can solve 'em  
You made a really deep cut  
And baby, now we've got bad blood, hey! 

‘’ Q, I …. ‘’   
Eliot, being himself, bursted into the room without knocking.In his haste to fall apart, Quentin forgot to lock his door. He mentally kicked himself. He was such a pathetic vision for the second year. On the floor, hugging a wet pillow, drown in music and trying not to scream of anger and disheartenment. 

The black haired boy looked at him and what he was about to say died on his lips. The usual smug on his face disappear into a frown of worry. 

‘’ Shit Q, are you ok? ‘’ He ask kneeling in front of the sobbing man. ‘’Of course you are not. What a stupid question I… uh….’’ 

Visibly, Eliot wasn’t prepared to see this and Quentin wanted to melt into the floor. He hated himself to put another person in this worry state. Especially Eliot. He shouldn’t see him like that. God now he’ll probably give up on him forever. Hopefully he won’t tell Margo or Alice. For the girl to know would be even worse. 

The second year stood back, closed the door, locked it and went back to Quentin who was clumsily putting back the pillow on the bed, throwing his ipod in the dresser and pretend he was calmer now. Even if his hand were shaking and his breathing was still elaborate, he had to pretend that it was just an episode and he was ok now. 

But then, Eliot sat next to him, put an arm around him and pulled him in a genuine embrace. Not an awkward i-am-a-guy-so-pat-on-the-back kind of hug. Quentin’s head was on Eliot chest as he was enveloped by the other boy’s strong arm. He felt his hand stroking his back slowly. And the silence plus this small gesture of comfort. Made him start another fit of tears that he was unable to stop. No one ever held him like that but Julia. And she was gone now. 

Forever.

‘’I need your help….’’ Quentin said between sob.

‘’Anything Q. ‘’ Whispered Eliot, caressing gently his back and holding him as hard as he could‘’Anything you want. ‘’


	2. Wonderland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quentin have to deal with the aftermath of the party. What if he lost Eliot's friendship forever

They didn’t talk about what happened that night. Quentin didn’t want to. He couldn’t. He was ashamed. Not of crying in front of Eliot, that was bound to happen, let’s be honest. But being so vulnerable and so fragile in front of someone he wanted to have as a friend. How many friend did he drive away because of his depression. Because of his anxiety? Too many. In fact, Julia was the only one that haven’t left. And now she had. So really, Quentin was meant to be alone. And Eliot couldn’t understand that. He was always with a crowd or, at least, Margo. He was never alone. So, the morning after, they didn’t talk about it.

Quentin woke up -barely remembering Eliot tucking him in and telling him he’ll ward the door so no one will crash in like he did- and listen to his iphone. Taylor Swift was still playing. 

_You held on tight to me_  
'Cause nothing's as it seems  
I'm spinning out of control. 

_Didn't they tell us don't rush into things?_  
Didn't you flash your green eyes at me?  
Haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds? 

Eliot arm and his simple and steady reassurance came back to Quentin and, in a moment of pure panic he threw his iphone against the wall, breaking it in pieces. Fuck. Now that was two things broken. Him, and the only way he found to stop thinking. God, how will he face the day. 

The only thing that got him out, was the odor of coffee coming from downstairs. His stomach growl and he had a headache. Feeling like shit, Quentin crawl out of bed, grab the first clothes he found and went to take the warmest shower his skin could handle. That way, he could at least feel something else than emptiness and shame. 

Downstairs, Margo was spiking Eliot’s coffee and telling about their schedule of the day. Quentin made a point to look at his shoes while passing in front of him, not wanting to read disappointment in his eyes. Some second and third year were getting ready for their classes, half awake and probably all hung over. 

Alice was in the kitchen and, with a small smile, poured coffee in a travel mug. There was no anger or pity in her face. So maybe, after all, Eliot kept his promise and didn’t told anyone about it. 

‘’ Hard morning uh?’’ Said Alice ask Quentin mumbled a thank you.  
‘’ Yah, got dizzy when I got up the couch, I crashed in my bed and passed out. ‘’ He lied. 

He hated himself for hiding the truth. For it to be so easy. Finding excuses of his absence, his need of being alone and his moodiness was a second nature. He’d hoped to be rusty about it, but it came back as easily as riding a bike. How many time he pretended a migraine or a sleepover at Julia’s so his parent wouldn’t worry. Julia.. she couldn’t stop coming back to his mind since yesterday. 

‘’ Do you know any reparation spell’’ He asked, wanting to distract himself. Usually reading and learning was his best option. ‘’I broke my iphone when the alarm rang this morning. ‘’

He forced a smile as Alice laughed and nodded. God he hated himself right now. 

So they went into his room, within second Alice had done her miracle. Mesmerize by her spell, it reminded Quentin of Eliot’s gracious hand movement in the air yesterday. Next to those two, he looked like an amateur. He use to be so good with his finger while doing fake magic trick. Doing real one was way harder.

After giving him back his iphone, Alice decided to show him the spell she just used. ‘’In case of hard morning’’ She’d said. They had an hour before class. It took thirty five minute and a second cup of coffee before Quentin manage to do it. But usually new spell took him days to master. 

So this was a progress. Or just dumb luck.

***

All day he manage to escape Eliot by either be in his class or at the library to study. That way, not a chance to meet him and, or, being pulled in another party. Alice was doing her own research in the library so, as diner approach, it was the first time Quentin was alone and the silence was welcome. The cottage was always noisy and overwhelmingly full of people. Being alone in a large space, surrounded by books was the kind of quiet he needed right now.

‘’You know you are terrible at hiding ‘’ Eliot said, sitting in front of him and grabbing his book - Fillory and Further book III - from his hand. 

‘’Jesus christ.’’ Exclaimed Quentin, a bit too loudly. He haven’t seen the senior come at all. A group of third year, who was working a few table away,look at them half annoyed, half curious. ‘’How did you found me.’’ he whispered trying to grab back his book. 

Eliot was pretending to read it just far enough that, even while stretching, Quentin couldn’t take back his book. The twinkle in Eliot’s eyes illuminate his whole face. 

‘’You were not in your room and I had to ask myself, where a nerd such as you could be. It was either here or at the naturalist moon celebration. But I knew you were not that desperate so here I am. And here you are. ‘’

‘’I am that simple to read?’’ asked Quentin, abandoning the idea of having his book back. 

‘’Sadly yes. And also you talk to the king of avoiding conversation. I once manage not to see my dad for five days, and we were living under the same roof. ‘’ 

Not knowing what to say, Quentin put his hair behind his ear and nodded. Awkwardly. To be honest, seeing Eliot babbling and being as dramatic as he always is, was reassuring for Quentin. The worst thing a person can do is take you in pity after seeing you having a melt down. And Eliot wasn’t. He was acting just as he always have been. 

‘’ So, Thursday there is this guy I know who come into town and can get us drinks and herbs you’ll sell your mother for.’’ Eliot threw back the book at Quentin who rapidly put it in his messenger bag. So it wouldn’t be stolen again. ‘’Margo, volunteer to plan the trial this year. Don’t ask me what it is I can’t but yes, it concern you and all the first year. So yes. Trials. She can’t go. But you can. So you will come with me and we will go downtown. M’kay?’’’

Quentin was confused for a moment. Not understanding that trial thing, but also not understanding why, of all people, the second year wanted to go shop for booze and drug with him. But after looking into Eliot’s eyes, Quentin’s heart skipped a beat and his brain made the connection. That was the perfect alibi to go outside and get what he needed without people asking question. 

‘’ Tell me what time and where. ‘’ He said after a moment and Eliot smile became warm and genuine.  
‘’ I’ll come and pick you up, finding you is not that hard. ‘’ 

*********

As promise, Thursday night, after dinner -that Quentin had skipped- Eliot knock at his door and open it, already prepare for the night. The fact that he didn’t burst into the door unannounced was proof that last party was not forgotten. 

‘’Put a jacket, it’s chilly outside’’ Eliot say, an unlit cigarette at his mouth. 

‘’ It’s thirty degrees outside ‘’ 

‘’ It’s below zero in the muggle world. Remember, summer here, winter there. Come on, I am taking roots here. ‘’ 

Ten minute later, the boys were sneaking outside one of the gate of the school, one hidden between a boulder shape like a butt and a pond where frogs went during summer. 

The moment he put his foot outside, Quentin felt the cold wind of November hit him and he adjusted his scarf around his neck. The bite of winter was making its way through their bones and they could see the rest of a snow storm not long ago. Fuck he hated winter. He hated snow. He hated being cold. He hated the Holiday reminder that his parent were divorce and one will be alone for Christmas. Fuck this weather. Really.

Eliot light his cigarette from a movement of his hand, than gave the stick to Quentin before lighting one for him. Hesitantly, Quentin took it, he was a bit sad that the part that touched the other boy didn’t taste like him. The first year shook his head, escaping the stupid ideas that were coming to his mind and look around the street, trying to find where they were exactly. 

‘’Do you want me to come with you?’’ Eliot ask, putting his hand into his pocket and starting to walk. Quentin follow.  
‘’I….I don’t know. I didn’t think of it to be honest. ‘’ He admitted,tucking his hair behind his ear.  
‘’ I know this is… well it’s up to you. I can go buy our pretext to be here and you go do your things. Or I come. It’s really your call. ‘’ 

It was unsettling to see Eliot give him control of the situation. Usually he was the situation. He arrived, told you what was happening and what you needed to do and you ended up doing it. Liking it or not, Eliot always have his way. But not today. And it terrified Quentin. Last time he went, he was alone and no one knew about it until Julia confronted him about his hospitalization. But having his friend there was too...intimate. He wasn’t ready for that either. 

‘’Yeah, I can go alone. ‘’ He said, trying to be calm and cool about it. ‘’ We can meet here after?’’  
‘’Here? Why? We have the whole night in front of us. No. You do your thing, I do mine and we go hit the city together. ‘’

A wave of anxiety and nausea hit Quentin as he imagined all the 

‘’El’ I really really don’t feel like drinking right now. ‘’

‘’Tsk tsk tsk. Who said you were drinking!’’ Said Eliot, poking Quentin’s forehead.

‘’ I will’’ He continued, showing his never-ending flash. ‘’But I have other plan for you. And before you panic, don’t worry it’s low key and boring. Just like you love. So go, let’s meet on the 28th avenue in an hour?’’

***

Quentin was sitting in front of the Duane Reade, his mind spinning three hundred miles an hours. He was here. He had to do it. He promised himself not to go back to the psych ward emergency again. And for that, he needed to enter the drug store, ask for his prescription and take them. It sounded easy but felt like a mountain for the young man.

In his ear, Taylor Swift was still signing. 

_I knew I had to go back home_  
You search the world for something else to make you feel like what we had  
And in the end in wonderland we both went mad. 

A woman with a fur coat was rushing to get into the subway station not far from here. A dog was barking at a tree while an homeless person was begging for money so he could go somewhere warm for the night. A few city worker were getting into ladders and fixing decoration for Christmas. 

Quentin got up on his feet, pulled out a twenty dollars out of his pocket, gave it to the homeless person and enter the drug store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are wondering, yes all my chapter will be title from one of T swift song.


	3. Safe & Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quentin and Eliot in the city for medication, books and wine. A perfect night.

Walking back to the meeting point felt like forever. Quentin wondered why his back felt like it was so heavy. His hand were still shaking but, at least, the Duane Reade was getting further by every steps he was making. But he did it. And no magic could have helped him. 

It was with great surprise that he saw Eliot, on a bench, waiting for him despite the hour not fully passed yet. The young man was holding a Starbuck tray while sipping at his own coffee the other probably for him. It was rare to see him that way. Alone, in deep thought, thinking no one was looking at him. His usual self confident face was gone and give place to a frown and worry line around his eyes. He seemed to look at everything and nothing at the same time, probably lost into his own head. He kept playing with his scarf, despite being perfectly placed. If Quentin didn’t knew better, he would think Eliot was nervous. 

_I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go_  
When all those shadows almost killed your light  
I remember you said don't leave me here alone  
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight 

After turning his music off and putting a hand through his hair, Quentin walked toward his friend. The moment he noticed him, Eliot’s face change to become the smug and mischievous grin he always wear. Somehow, he understood why his friend was acting this way. Didn’t this whole thing started when he saw his crumble on the floor. Eliot was probably just better at hiding his problem,

Two second after sitting down next to him, Quentin’s had were deliciously warmed by a the coffee Eliot placed in his hand. 

‘’ It’s a 185 degree double shot soy latte with two pumps of sugar free mocha.‘’ Said nonchalantly Eliot, drinking his cup. ‘’I got you the whip cream on it. Figure you’d want it. But none for me, that thing is fattening. ‘’ 

‘’ But alcohol isn’t?’’ 

‘’ Pick your poison.’’ 

Quentin managed a low chuckle and a smile and closed his eyes as the first hot sip of the coffee warmed his body and soothe him a little. His bag wasn’t as heavy now. When he open his eyes, his friend was looking at him with pride in his eye. 

‘’ Ah! I made you smile. I win. ‘’ He beamed, not explaining further. Then he got up and motion him to follow as he started to walk. And of course, he did. 

_Just close your eyes, the sun is going down_  
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now  
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound 

‘’ Do you want to go to the bookstore before going to my place? ‘’  
‘’ Yeah, bookstore sound good….Wait what. Your place? ‘’ Quentin almost spat his coffee  
‘’All explanation in due time. Come on, there’s a nice one around here that is own by a magician. There’s a lot of cool stuff in the hidden sections. ‘’

****

The bookstore was this tiny store between a Tourist shop own by a chinese woman and a dumpling restaurant that seemed close despite being diner time. The store was full of dust, some books were new and some were visibly second hand. There was so many that all the bookcase were full and they started to do pile in small tables in the middle of the room. Large couch were there to sit and read near an electric fireplace and there was instant coffee to buy for 1$ near the cashier. A young woman was on a latter grabbing a book that was near the ceiling while an elderly person was reading an erotica novel on a green couch near the adult section.

Basically, it was one of the best place Quentin had seen in New York. 

‘’ Oh Eliot! What are you doing here aren’t you at school‘’ Said a booming voice behind them. ‘’ Naughty boy!’’

Both boys turned to see a magnificent blonde walking toward them. Her white dress was hugging all the right place of her curve and, despite the freezing temperature outside, she was walking barefoot, her shoulders and cleavage well exposed. She look like teenagers wet dream. But somehow, Quentin found Alice prettier. 

‘’April! ‘’ Said Eliot in a voice so filled with lush that even Quentin felt something in his trouser. The black hair boy open his arm and hugged the girl who jump at his neck’’ I’m only out for a couple of hours babe, how are you ‘’ 

‘’Oh you know. Same old. A human came to sing me his love yesterday. I had to enchant him so he would go away. It was so embarrassing. ‘’ 

‘’ How can we resist to your charm. We are but poor mortal ’’ 

April’s laugh was like the sound of a waterfall and Quentin couldn’t help but wanting her to laugh and smile all the time. It was one of the most purest and beautiful thing he’d ever heard. 

‘’ Alright you can go now, just make sure to say goodbye before leaving. ‘’ 

From the waive of her hand, she motion an ‘’Employee Only’ door. Eliot kissed her cheek, took Quentin by the warm and dragged him away from her. 

‘’She’s a nymph ‘’ Eliot said, opening the door. ‘’And love using her powers on new person. In five minute, you’ll stop feeling like a 14 years old boy who discovered Porn. ‘’  
‘’ OH! ‘’ Exclaim Quentin, becoming red and readjusting his trouser. ‘’That explain…. a lot. ‘’ 

Eliot laugh and walked in a small room, as chaotic as the other one. But instead of an electric foyer, there was the blue eternal flame that he’d just read about in his practical magic class. All the books were about other magicians, spells or deeper exploration of magical subject. Quentin took the first that caught his attention. Niffin and their unlimited power: a practical approach. Maybe this could help Alice…

As he started reading to see if the book was anything good, he felt Eliot’s hand letting go of his arm as the young boy was walking to another section. The warmth that linger kept Quentin’s boner really hard and really uncomfortable in his pants. Must be the Nymph effect.

The next five minute will be long.

****

‘’ So your place?’’

Quentin had so many question about that but, every time he tried to ask Eliot about it, he told him it wasn’t time for talking but for browsing book. So he stop asking and, an hour later, paid for the books he found and followed Eliot in silence for thrity seccond before asking, once again, the question. 

‘’ I own a loft in Manhatan.‘’ Sighed Eliot, lighting a cigarette for Quentin, then for him. ‘’ I move to New York three years ago. When I am at school, people rent it in AirBnB. People are ready to pay a ton of money to be downtown. It cover most of the rent so hey there’s that. April manage all of it while I am gone. She's a doll. ‘’ 

Quentin blew smoke from his cigarette, trying to process all the information at once. It was like learning his friend had a double life. Which, considering, wasn’t as surprising as it should be. Eliot looked at him and frown a little.

‘’Now, don’t tell bambi I brought you here. She will make a big deal out of this and I don’t want to put you on the spotlight. ‘’

More like he didn’t want Margo to cause a scene in front of everyone, but Quentin understood Eliot’s need to protect his best friend. 

‘’Alright. Why would she make freak out?’’  
‘’ I don’t bring people here. Not...Brakebills people. She is the only one of my friend that ever saw this so…. ‘’  
‘’Ah…. Got it. I’ll shut up. ‘’

Eliot’s place is more like a loft in a tall building midtown, near 8th avenue. The neighborhood wasn’t somewhere spectacular, but the view you get out of the giant windows was worth every penny. The skyline of the city was just amazing. They could see all the building, the lights and the movement of the city, without having the commotion down below. It was like looking at a beating heart. 

The kitchen was small, but surprisingly modern with -of course- a fully functional bar. In the living room, there was a desk where he probably use his laptop and worked but, for renting purposes, was decorated with a giant bouquet of lilies, thanks April for that. The white couch in the living room were so big, probably half the Physical Kid cottage could sit there. And thank god, no decorative pillow. 

But what amazed Quentin was the artwork that were on the walls. A large black and white picture of the back of a girl -visibly Margo- walking in Time Square. The crowd seemed to part both way to let her walk, like Moses and the sea. Another one was a portrait of an abandon farm where nature took over. A bird, taking flight out of his nest, probably for the first time. A half empty subway station, where stranger had a share point but different lives. 

‘’I had an artistic moment the first year of school. ‘’ Said Eliot, arriving with two glasses and a wine bottle. ‘’But too much work ‘’ 

‘’ They are beautiful, I didn’t know you had an artistic side ‘’ Quentin said, touching the picture of Margo in the city. It was like the still frame of a movie. 

‘’ Darling, my life is a piece of art. Now put your books down and come drink. ‘’ 

Which he did.

*****

There was one bottle, than a second, and they were now opening the third one. Eliot had open his stereo and put some music on and they had traded the comfy couch to the floor, so they could be closer to the windows and the view.

Quentin was drunk. Not only drunk but totally smashed. And to be honest, he needed it. Bottling up emotion was not a good idea and, as Eliot well said, drinking them was a better idea. 

And they talk. About music, about teachers, about magic, about books, about Fillory. Without the filter of sobriety, Quentin explain why he needed the books in his life, how they shaped his life but also saved them so many time. And instead of laughing at him, Eliot nodded and filled his glass. In memory, that’s the first time no one commented on his absurd passion for a pre-teen novel. 

Then there was silence. Just them, sitting together, watching the city. Quentin was happy he asked Eliot to go out of the school. His friend made a feared experience into a loving memory. 

‘’ I came out to my parent three years ago.’’ Said Eliot after a while. His eyes were still fixed on the window but he clearly wasn’t looking outside. ‘’I knew it before, but it took me two year and a bad break up to finally come clean to them. An hour later, my dad had try to beat it out of my system and my mom had put all my belonging in two suitcase, saying that leaving home was better for me, my security. All my life was in two fucking suitcase. ‘’ 

He laughed bitterly, drank, and continued. 

‘’And instead of standing up to my dad, she threw me out. I discovered not long after that, that he was beating her regularly. ‘’  
‘’Was?’’ That’s all Quentin was able to say.  
‘’I called the cop on him, he hung himself in prison’’  
‘’Jesus ‘’

Eliot lit a cigarette, one for Quentin, one for him. He drank. He smoke. Quentin said nothing. Because what is there to say after that. So he drank too. Eliot continued. 

‘’Worst thing is my mom didn’t took me back after that. We live in a small town. Well village. Everyone knew everyone kind of crap you know? So now I was the bad son who threw his father in prison. No one gave a shit about why and how. They just wanted to put the blame on someone, and my mom is too gentle and fragile looking to be condemned.So I left and never look back. I haven’t heard of her since then and frankly, I don’t want to ‘’

Eliot eyes were getting wet. Quentin could see in his eyelashes some tear forming. He didn’t know what to say or do. He felt he had to do something. But what? He didn’t know. So he drank, and he listen. 

‘’It took me years and the Brakebills trial to trust someone again. ‘’ 

The sound system took randomly a song from Quentin’s playlist. Taylor Swift. Of course. 

‘’Margo can be a cold hearted bitch sometime but when she cares, she will die for you. ‘’ 

_Don't you dare look out your window, darling everything's on fire_  
The war outside our door keeps raging on  
Hold onto this lullaby even when the musics gone, gone 

 

The song was playing, both boys were still looking outside, unable to look at each other. They drank. Quentin finished his cigarette. He finally build enough courage to ask something.  
‘’Why are you telling me that. ‘’  
Eliot frown, finished his glass and looked at Quentin. He blinked rapidly, trying to dry the tears in his eyes. But it only made them fall. With the back of his hand, he wiped them off  
‘’ I don’t know. I think… I think it’s not fair that I know your pain and you don’t know mine. ‘’  
‘’You don’t know all of mine. ‘’  
‘’Neither do you. But we are a bit more honest to each other now. ‘’ 

_Just close your eyes, the sun is going down_  
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now  
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound 

‘’ Thanks El’ … really. ‘’ 

‘’ Don’t mention it. Now... The wine bottle is empty and it’s unacceptable, I’ll go get a new one, can you order Pizza, I am starving’’


	4. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia's prank backfire. But like big time.

After that, Quentin and Eliot became best friend. Not attached to the hips like with Margo. But no one else could have that kind of relationship. At first, it annoyed her to see them together so much but, after a couple of drink and jokes at his expense, she warmed up to him. But Quentin knew that she was making an effort for her friend, she didn’t seem to like him much. But he didn’t care. As long as she shared Eliot, he was ok with that. 

Sometime, he wished that it was like in the books. The young hero decide to take his med, have a heart to heart with his friend and suddenly he is magically cured of his depression and see rainbow everywhere. But that’s not how it work. Medication takes time. Especially those who deal with brain chemistry. So, despite never skipping a day of pills, there were days where he was dragged out of bed by Eliot’s words. Alice caught him in an anxiety attack while studying for their practical magic exam and it took her a long time and a promise to help to calm him down. There were night, he needed to be alone in his room while everyone was partying downstairs. 

But there were better days. He could focus on his textbook a bit longer. He didn’t crumble when Penny literally shoved him in a tree and told him to stop having Taylor Swift song in his head. In fact, that day, he listen to all of her album, just in case the bully decided to peak his brain out. Alice hugging him when he gave her the book about niffin manage to make him smile for an entire days. And his homeworks and practical classes were getting easier. 

But today was not a good day. 

Margo, Eliot and all the second years, were preparing some big spell and were gone for the day. Alice was with Penny and Kady trying a spell she found in the book he gave her. Todd was cooking downstairs and by the smell, it was starting to burn. And Quentin couldn’t get out of his bed. 

He’d finish Fillory and further book III and was now pretending to read about magical algorithm and the position of the moon. But after the two first word, the letter were getting blurry and without any meaning. Listening to music only gave him a headache and jerking off lasted fifteen minut. So to kill time, he napped. But this time, he napped to much.

*********

_It's getting dark and it's all too quiet  
And I can't trust anything now  
And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake _

Quentin woke up in a deep gasp, spitting a metal scorpion Dean Fogg took back in his hand right away. He didn’t have any air left in his lung and was soak with sweat and tears. There was shout and sight and people touching him and he was getting overwhelm and confuse. 

‘’ Oh thank god. ‘’ 

‘’Quick, pull back the ward, we need to protect the school. ‘’ 

‘’ I’m gonna kill that bitch’’ 

‘’ Eliot wait!’’

Four different voices, four clues he couldn’t understand. Someone helped him to sit up and hug him close. The softness of the skin and the scent of lilies made him realize that Alice had him in her arm, visibly sobbing. 

Blinking rapidly, he looked at the scene that was unfolding in front of him. He was in his room, Alice was next to him in his bed, Dean Fogg -wearing sunglasses despite being inside- was doing quick and precise movement that couldn’t be anything but spell casting. Penny was pulling his hair as Kady announced that she would get water. And despite remembering Eliot and Margo’s voice, he couldn’t see them anywhere. 

‘’Wha…. ‘’ His voice was hoarse and his throat hurt. ‘’ Did this really happen? ‘’ 

He looked at Penny for an answer. He was the one in the ward. He was the one who got the Taylor Swift signal. He was the one that told everyone. It wasn’t a dream. A spell. Yes. He was remembering more and more. A spell from Julia and her hedge witch friends. 

‘’Yeah. ‘’ Penny said letting Kady pass in front of him so she could give Quentin a tall glass of water He drank like the thirstiest man on earth. His stomach felt like knots and was protesting against this sudden amount of water. ‘’ You’ve been gone a week man. Took us everything to make you come back. ‘’

Well that explain the nausea and sudden urge to vomit what he just drank. With a few movement, Alice filled again the glass full of water. But this time, he took little sip, making sure 

‘’Julia?’’ 

‘’ Mrs Wicker is probably the reason you are alive. ‘’ Said Dean Fogg as he finished his spell She told us which spell she and Mrs Andrieski put on you and we manage to reverse engineer it. Now, if you don’t mind Quentin, I will fetch Doctor Faye so she can check on you. Stay here.‘’

He left and Quentin was looking at everyone, still wondering if where he was was real, or if this was still a layer of the mind web he was in. Everything, everyone felt so real there. The only thing that he was sure, is that Penny didn’t had a weird accent and this was definitely his clothes he fell asleep on. 

‘’Thank you. ‘’’ He said to Penny. 

‘’ Don’t sweat it.’’

‘’ Now let see if Eliot went to kill the witches or if he let some from us. ‘’ Kady said, pulling Penny by the arm and getting him out of the room. 

Alice gave her a small smile and once again, Quentin decided that he’ll never understand women and their secret silent language. 

‘’How do you feel. ‘’ She ask, filling his cut again. 

‘’Like a truck roll over me, then back up, then roll over again. ‘’ 

‘’ It was freaky though, it’s like your mind was pushing back any attempt we make of helping you. ‘’ 

Quentin stomach clench, his nausea came back and a cold sweat ran on his back. How could he explain to her that part of him felt like he belong there. Just before arriving here, he was hospitalized and sometime he felt like he should go back. That he was tired of fighting who he was and it was just easier to give up. 

‘’Took me a while to understand that it wasn’t real. It was… really convincing. ‘’ He half lied, because he couldn’t say everything he wanted. 

She hugged him again and pull back, a frown on her noise. 

‘’ Now don’t take it the bad way, but you should go shower. ‘’ 

Quentin laugh. Genuinely laugh, as he accepted her help to get out of bed.

*************************

Apparently, he had miss a hell of a week. Before she went to bed, Alice explain everything to Quentin. Her, Penny and Kady casting something they shouldn’t have. The beast -as they were now calling him - attacking the school. The Dean, arriving just in time to save them but paid the price of his sight. And on top of that, they had to add Julia’s friend breaking into the school for god knows what and him in a semi-coma.The school was now in a temporary lockdown. No one could get in or out unless a teacher was with them to open and close the portal. 

After making sure he was alright, Alice went to bed admitting she haven’t slept for more or less forty-eight hours. Quentin was now alone in the kitchen. Eating cereal since he wasn’t sure he could have a heavier meal. The cottage was weirdly quiet. Since he moved here, it was the first and only time he ever saw it without people or sound. This was not right. Sure they had a hard week but it wasn’t late at night and people were either asleep or outside, which never happen. 

A bit panicking, he put his half eaten bowl on the table and got up. He was still sleeping. Oh god, he was probably still in the spell. He’d read that there were way to put fail safe for people to escape. Only master magician could do that though. Was Julia’s friend that powerful? Walking through the living room, pulling slightly his hair, he looked everywhere. Trying to find a flaw. Something that wasn’t right, that could tip him off. But everything was there. The books, the bar, the couches, the sound system. 

The door open and Eliot arrive, an air of worry and total exhaustion on his face. But it vanished the moment he saw Quentin in the living room. In three steps he was next to him, pulling him in a hug, his face hidden in his neck. Shakily, Quentin hugged him back, his eyes darting everywhere, feeling his breath shorten as panic bubbled inside him. Even Eliot’s cologne was the same. How did they managed that. How could he wake up. 

‘’Am I real? Are you real?’’ He choke, trying not to sob. 

‘’ What of course I am real. ‘’ Eliot pulled out of the hug and saw his friend face confused and and anxious. He put his hand on both side of his head, steadying him ‘’Q… hey…. Quentin. Look at me. Good. Breathe. It’s okay. It’s over. You are back. ‘’

He put his forehead against his and Quentin followed his deep and slow breathe to pace his. He grabbed Eliot arm, to tell himself that he was still there, and manage to come back from the mess of his head to his body. 

‘’ I can’t do it again. ‘’ He whisper to his friend. ‘’Coming back was hard enough one time. I can’t do it a second time. ‘’  
‘’You don’t have to. You are here. Just focus on me and breathe. ‘’

Which he did.

****

Margo didn’t came back to the cottage. Her -older and sexy- boyfriend came to the school as the lockdown was put in place. From what Eliot said, they were probably gone fucking in every room possible until he was told to go away. 

‘’ You don’t seem to like him. ‘’ Said Quentin, happy not to focus on him. 

Eliot was preparing a drink for himself and forced Quentin to finish his cereal bowl, which he was. 

‘’ I do. He’s nice and have a butt to die for. But…. ‘’ He sigh theatrically, doing a bit too much to Quentin’s opinion, but he appreciated the effort of entertaining him. ‘’ He’s taking her away from me and I miss my bambi. ‘’  
‘’ It’s been what, not even a week since I don’t know the guy’’   
‘’ Three days. ‘’  
‘’Gee, give him a chance El’. He’s probably a nice guy. ‘’   
‘’ He is. He tried to hit on me where we were trying to find solution for you in the library. But I presented him Margo instead. Not my type. ‘’

Quentin spoon stop halfway to his mouth, totally surprised. Sharing with Margo was one thing. But the fact that he refused him was totally unexpected. That guy had the reputation of the Don Juan of Brakebills. Even before they met. 

‘’ Don’t act surprise. ‘’ The dark haired man said, drinking his martini. ‘’He was just a better fit for her than me. ‘’ 

Quentin didn’t believe that but decided to let the subject drop. He didn’t had the energy nor the emotional capacity to play love doctor. And honestly this was between him and Margo. He should stay away from that drama and be there if needed only. 

‘’ For a guy that slept all week, you look exhausted. ‘’ His friend noticed, arching an eyebrow.   
‘’ I could fall asleep while walking. ‘’ Quentin admitted, finishing his diner. Captain crunch was always there in time of need.   
‘’ Then go sleep, don’t stay up for me. ‘’

Quentin shook his head and went to the kitchen to clean his dishe so he wouldn’t have to look into his friend eyes. When he came back, Eliot was sited at his place, his glass already half empty, clearly waiting for him to talk. 

‘’ I told you, I can’t do this again I just… ‘’ He placed a lock of hair behind his ear, shaking a little. ‘’ I’m scared not to wake up again. ‘’ 

As Quentin whisper the last part, all pretense of hilarity from Eliot’s face melted away. He put his drink down, stood up and took his friend's hand. 

‘’ Alright. How about that. Sleep next to me tonight, I have insomnia so I barely sleep. I’ll keep an eye on you. ‘’ 

Quentin’s first reaction was to say no, but then he thought of it. The idea of being held by someone, by Eliot, and reassured into sleep was tempting. Especially since he felt the safest when he was around. 

‘’ It’s not something you can protect me from. ‘’ He noted as Eliot pulled him through the stairs toward his room. 

‘’I know. But when you wake up, I’ll remind you that you are real. And so am I. ‘’

And Quentin smiled as Eliot close the door of his bedroom.


	5. Begin Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Real or not real?

Quentin opened his eyes, groggy and feeling like every inch of his body hurt. It took him a second to remember where he was and with whom. Looking next to him, Eliot was still in bed, drinking coffee while reading Fillory and further book I. Which was surprising in itself since he couldn’t stop teasing him about it. But, the most surprising things of all was his hair. Without gel, all over the place and sticking in the air. 

‘’ Wha…’’ 

Quentin sat up and look around, not recognizing his room. Then it came all over him. The psych ward, the dreams, the nightmares during the night, Eliot waking up next to him every time to calm him down, Julia and her friends. 

‘’I….’’ He didn’t know what to say and part of him started to wonder if he was still dreaming. 

Calmly, Eliot closed his book and grabbed Quentin’s face. His finger caressing him gently but holding him firm so he had to look into his eyes. 

‘’It’s real. You are real. I am real. Relax Q. ‘’ He said smoothly. 

Quentin looked into his eyes and tried to see the lie, the deception. But there was none. Just patience and care. He nodded to his friend and calmed down by pacing his breath to Eliot’s. The whole thing lasted not even a minute, but it felt like forever for his heart to stop hammering painfully in his chest. 

‘’Real or not real. It’s very Hunger Games, I like that.’’ Mused Eliot pulling back from him and grabbing his mug back. ‘’ ‘’And by the way, there’s no way you are Katniss, I look better with a bow and tight pants’’ 

Quentin couldn’t help himself and smiled. He picked up the book. The pages were brand new and smooth. This wasn’t clearly his copy. He opened it just for the need of feeling the pages and looking back to something he had the certainty wasn’t real. The Chatwin were but that was another story. 

‘’ What can I say, I was tired not to speak your language. ‘’ 

‘’ You should have told me you wanted to read them, I would have give you mine. ‘’ Quentin said, noticing he was already nearly finished. 

‘’I started reading it when I was on watch, it just felt wrong to go to your room and grab stuff. ‘’ 

‘’ My…..’’ 

Quentin looked at his friend, puzzled. In a deep and dramatic sigh, Eliot explained that some people in the cottage were having an unspoken agreement that someone would always watch over him, in case he woke up. Even Margo did it. 

‘’ Now, stop with those big doe eyes, go grab a coffee, you have class in an hour. And be awake, we are celebrating your glorious return tonight. ‘’

*****

It was weird to be back to classes and being normal. But to be honest, having something to do was also reassuring. Seeing Alice, Penny and Kady in the class, taking note or half sleeping as the teacher was talking. It was like it was before. Except that now he was happy to see Penny and Kady actually smiled at him when he arrived. Maybe he misjudged them. If they were nice with Alice, the couldn’t be bad people.

During lunch, Alice helped him catch up on what he missed and told him what to practice. It was overwhelming and he didn’t understood half of her genius. But he was thankful for it. Because she didn’t pity him. On the contrary, she was acting like it was his fault to be so late in the program which was kind of a half truth. 

‘’ Hey, any news about your brother? ‘’ He asked as they were walking to their last class. ‘’ I forgot to ask before. ‘’ 

Alice face harden and she frown. Great. How to make things awkward by Quentin Coldwater. He should get an award for that. 

‘’ I don’t know, I just know I almost got expelled and now I am not sure if I should continue or…’’ 

‘’Wait what. ‘’ Quentin stopped walking and look at her incredulous. She stopped too.‘’ I am clearly in another fake reality if Alice Quinn his quitting on something. Especially Charlie. ‘’ 

Alice smile sadly and looked at her feet. Quentin started to walk again, decided that he didn’t just wanted help from his friend. He had to be there for them too. They proved him their love for him and now he had to be worthy of it. 

‘’ I’ll help you. If you want, I’ll help you. ‘’ 

‘’I’d like that….Thanks Q.’’

******

The cottage was fuller than usual since probably half of the school was there either inside or in the garden. Lights were changing color at the rythm of the music, drugs were exchange, people were making out, others were fighting, most people were totally smashed. It was a hit.

Some of the naturalist kid were battling the physical kids and it ended up with a white and red tulip growing upside down a corner of the roof near the study section. There was now a bet to know if they would stay alive forever or die because no way can someone water them down. 

‘’ I leave one night and you perform the biggest gossip of the year, now this is not fair Q. ‘’   
Margo plopped next to Quentin on the sofa with the shortest -sexiest- dress she probably had, a drink in her hand and a look in her eyes that made him feel like a prey. This girl had such a feline presence, some time he’d swear she could purr. 

‘’ You were there when I woke up. ‘’ He said confused. ‘’Well I think, I remember your voice. ‘’ 

‘’Yeah, I was chasing El’ to be sure he wasn’t killing anyone without me. ‘’ 

They both look at Eliot who was laughing at a story a naturalist was telling. It was nice, thought Quentin, to see him with a smile and carefree for a change. 

‘’Is Julia ok? ‘’ He asked, feeling bad for not having ask earlier. Then remembering he shoulding care. He drank his purple drink. 

‘’ You wanna-be best friend? Yeah. But her safe house is not safe anymore. ‘’ Margo said with the desinvolture of a Queen but the smile of a warrior. ‘’ We might have started a fire near and oops. ‘’ She made a hand gesture miming something exploding. ‘’ Having time, we should’ve brought marshmallow. ‘’ 

Quentin rolled his eyes and drank, not sure what to say or feel. But that was not something new in his life. What was new, is a beautiful girl next to him and talking to him. And him not freaking out about it. Because, as magnificent and voluptuous as she could be, Quentin always knew he had no chance with Margo. And an friend was better than being one of her fuck toy. 

‘’ But no. That wasn’t what I was talking about. ‘’ Margo said. ‘’ Rumor is that you slept with Eliot yesterday. Finally.‘’

Quentin felt his face becoming red so fast it must have been like one of those silly cartoon blushes. Shit. Was that people thought him being in Eliot’s room was about. Oh shit. What would Alice say? What did he care that she would say something? Why part of him didn’t care that people talk? 

‘’what..no….well yes but not like that… What do you mean finally?’’ 

‘’ Relax. ‘’ Said his friend, grabbing his shoulder as he was getting up the couch. ‘’ I heard rumors and I just wanted to see what you two have to said. I don’t like hearing rumors I am not aware of ‘’ 

Quentin notice she didn’t answered the last part but he let it go. For now. His palm was wet and, in his surprise, he’d splash most of his drink on himself. Smooth. Real smooth. 

‘’ I just freaked out not knowing what was real. He made sure I didn’t had panic attack if I woke up during the night. ‘’ 

‘’ That’s all?’’ Margo said, an eyebrow arched. 

‘’ That’s all. Sleep, bit of a meltdown, but he helped me breath. Much gossip to have about. Here I have one for you: Quentin Coldwater is having panic attack. ‘’ 

Margo started to laughing like he never saw her before. For once, it felt like her walls were down and she was showing to him who she was. The Margo only Eliot could see. 

‘’ Yeah, no, that’s old news Q. We even started to make an expression out of it. To Quentin out’’ 

He gave the finger to Margo who roll her eyes, smiling and drank. 

‘’ It’s out of love stupid head. ‘’ 

‘’ Well, since you poked my life. Can I poke yours? ‘’ Quentin ask as he tried to change subject. He was really, really uncomfortable with people laughing at his anxiety. ‘’ Who’s Mike. ‘’ 

‘’You’re not cool enough to know. Sorry Q. ‘’ His friend said, getting up. Probably trying to hide the corner of her lips making an involuntary smile. Ah! He won this round. ‘’ You’ll meet him soon, when the stupid lockdown is over. Now, sorry but the music is boring and I need to shake my ass. ‘’

She left without any more question and Quentin knew, she must like the guy to be so evasive. He should ask Eliot about it. Maybe later, when he’ll stop being jealous of her diverted attention 

The music got loud, Margo grabbed Eliot by the elbow to bring him dance with her. People joined, drank and smoke even harder. With his empty glass and a headache starting to build inside his skull, Quentin decided to call it a night. He wriggle his way out of the room and to the stairs, taking a moment to look at everyone and remember that they were real. This was real. He smiled. 

Arriving upstairs, he hesitated a moment, not sure where to go. Especially after Margo coming to tease him. He finally decided to not give a fuck about what the others could say. Instead of going into his room, he went in Eliot.s. 

And when the dark hair boy arrived, much later, Quentin only woke up when he put his hand over him and nestling his head in the crook of his neck. After feeling his heart skipping a beat, he fell asleep.


	6. Keep your eyes open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quentin is getting tired of being himself.

‘’ Fuck you Q!’’ Exclaim Alice, her eyes full of tears and anger before running away. 

Quentin looked at the box he had in his hand. Shit. What did he do.

***** 

This was two weeks ago. And still, Alice haven’t said a word to him. He took it hard. Harder than he expected. He realized how much he took for granted her presence next to him. Her smiles, her laugh, her exasperated sigh when he asked for help but still help anyway. Alice became part of his life without him noticing and now that she was gone, it was like part of him was missing. Last time he felt like this, is when Julia fought with him. But this time it was worse.

Because Julia and him, despite anything, had live so much together that there was and will be always a link between them. Even after she tried to kill him, he couldn’t denied that for most of his year, she had been the only friend he had. They grew up together. Imagine Fillory together. And now, even apart, they were both trying to learn magic in their own way. 

But Alice, it was different. She wasn’t a childhood friend. She’d just started to warm up to him and now, he fucked everything by trying to help. By knowing that she might go too far and come prepare with a solution that would avoid killing her. She was about to go Niffin, just like her brother. But right now she couldn’t see that. She just saw that he took the last chance he had at getting back Charlie. 

That’s why he couldn’t have friend. Everytime he tried, he decided to really try and be worthy of them, he would do something stupid and make them leave. 

Fuck this. Fuck everything. Just fuck it.   
__  
The tricky thing  
Is yesterday we were just children  
Playing soldiers just pretending  
Dreaming dreams with happy endings  
In backyards, winning battles with our wooden swords  
But now we've stepped into a cruel world  
Where everybody stands and keeps score 

He couldn’t take it anymore. He decided not to go to night practical class of astrology. He went to the cottage, lost in his head, wondering if it was a good thing he came back from that dream. Maybe he was comatose and half dead, but at least, he wouldn’t have seen the hurt and betrayal in Alice’s eyes. 

He was tired of feeling that deep shadow into his chest that seem like growing every step he made. His head was busing and he knew he was going into one of his anxious episode. But he had enough. He wanted it to end. Just everything. He was done with living. Done with trying. Done with disappointing. Done with feeling. Done with hurting.

He passed in front of people eating diner, not looking who it was. He didn’t bother to care. Anyway it’s not like they cared about him. And if they did, he will loose them soon. He always lose everyone. 

He went into his room, locked it, took the first thing he found - one of his school book-, and threw it against the wall. Putting his anger and distress in the motion. It felt good. So he continue. The lamp, the Fillory figurines, his stereo, his night table. Everything was being thrown everywhere. At some point, he wasn’t even using his hand. Only his magic and his pain were doing a carnage of his room. Books flew into the window, breaking it and going outside. He truly didn’t care. 

He didn’t know how long it lasted. But in the end, using magic drained him and he fell on the floor, eyes close, gasping for breath like he’d run a marathon. He heard the door unlock and remember that the only way to have privacy in her his to put an actual magic seal on the door. He open his eyes to see who was there but before he looked up, he saw a cold beer in front of him, freshly open. It’s out of surprise and genuine impulse that he took it and drank most of it in one large gasp. When he finally looked up, Margo was on her knee, in the room, magically fixing his books into their old self. 

She didn’t talk. They didn’t look at each other. They clean the whole room, mostly without magic.

******

‘’ I found this in your papers. ‘’ Said Margo before leaving his room.

It was an envelope. Neatly folded. With no stamp. Only his name and the name of the university. Probably came by magic. He never got mail otherwise. 

‘’Thanks Margo. ‘’ And he didn’t meant for giving the letter. 

‘’ Next time you want to trash a room, tell me. I have a list of people who need nasty shit coming their way. ‘’

She kissed his cheek and left, picking up the empty beer bottle. Quentin sat on his bed and open the letter. 

_Dear Q,_

_I don’t know what to say. I wrote this stupid letter many times. We both made mistake, but mine was bigger._

_I wanted to be mad at you for not trying to make me go into Brakebills, but now I don’t think I deserve it. I didn’t meant to kill you._

_I am not with Marina anymore. I found a place. A better place. I am learning to let got, to forgive you. Forgive myself. I am still mad, but I am happy you are safe and alive._

_I hope we see each other soon, and in better conditions._

_Love, Julia._

  
After all this, the last two word made Quentin cry. Not his anger or despair toward Alice, not him going insane in his room, not Julia’s apology. But her love. He missed her. He missed them. The old them. The them from before. Those who weren’t broken by magic, but at the same time changed for the best. 

This time he slept in his bed and, later on, Eliot crawl next to him to calm away the nightmares. His arm around him, his head in the crook of his neck. Tomorrow morning, he’ll have to thank Margo to know that he would need that as well.

********

Quentin woke up from a nightmare -what a surprise- about this stupid psych ward he’d been trapped in. He’d talk with Professor Sunderland about it, and his fear of being caught back to the web, but she reassured him that this was just a symptom of a traumatic event and he would be safe. To be honest, Quentin wasn’t sure he was more reassured by her words than before.

In sweat, he looked around him for a second before telling himself that he was back to Brakebills, in the real world. Eliot head on his shoulder and arm around him was the proof of that. But still his heart was pounding. The moon was still up in the sky and lighting the room by its pale light. Some stray of moon were on Eliot’s face and, in his sleeping state, was calm and years younger. 

The darked haired boy open his eyes, probably awaken by the scare jump Quentin just made and looked at his friend. 

‘’ Shhhh…. it’s okay. It’s real. ‘’ He said, sitting up at the same time as Quentin. 

He must admit, he liked seeing Eliot that way. Still have asleep, with no energy to put a mask on, whisper and gentle. He would have gone insane if he wasn’t around lately. 

‘’ I know. ‘’ Said Quentin, pulling his hair behind his ear before grabbing a cup of water. ‘’ I just… yeah. ‘’

‘’You don’t have to explain. ‘’ 

‘’I know. I want to. I just don’t know how. ‘’ 

‘’We’ll find a way. ‘’ Eliot started to stretch, yawn, took Quentin’s cup of water and drank most of it before continuing. ‘’If anything, Margo can bully you into telling. ‘’ 

Quentin smile a bit, biting his lips, looking down. He was unable to look at his friend nor at his room. He was surprised to feel shame when thinking of his tantrum earlier. Shame and confusion. The fact that Margo came to help him, without words or mockery, meant something. What he didn’t know. But it meant something. 

‘’ Did she told you what happen? ‘’ He finally mumbled, finishing the cup of water. 

‘’Yeah. ‘’ Eliot put on of his hand on Quentin’s leg and looked at him with eyes that felt like x-ray. ‘’Next time tell us you need to trash something, we have enemies who could use a different decoration.’’ 

‘’She said the same thing. ‘’ 

Eliot laugh and, with swift and precise hand gesture, filled back the cup of water Quentin was holding. The boy, still a bit shaky from his dream, drank. 

‘’ I don’t want to talk about it. Because you will tell be I am wrong to feel that way. And I know I am wrong but I still feel like that. So hearing all over again that it's in my head won’t help. I just… ‘’ Quentin took Eliot hand that was on his leg and played with his finger, lost in his thoughts, in his emotion, in the void starting to be back in his chest. 

‘’ Okay. ‘’ whispered Eliot in a shaky voice that was not his usual voice. 

Quentin looked up. Eliot looked at him. The older boy linked his finger in his and touched his forehead with his. Their breath blended together and both of them were shaking despite the night being warm and the nightmare long forgotten.

‘’ Tomorrow….’’ Said Eliot who then shut his mouth. He clearly wanted to say something but couldn’t. Quentin squeezed his hand. ‘’Just… what happen after tomorrow, and in the next month. It’s gonna change thing. It change me. ‘’ 

Eliot eyes were still close, their forehead touching, Quentin heart wanted to get out of his chest while anxiety and nerve build up in his stomach. He started to ask what was going to happen tomorrow but Eliot shook his head. Clearly he couldn’t say. 

‘’ Just.. whatever happen, don’t question it. Do what feels right and good at the moment. And those moment can stay there, they don’t have to come back here. ‘’ 

Quentin was so confuse right now, but didn’t dare to talk or move. He licked his lips. Eliot skipped a breath. 

‘’ I just… before tomorrow. Before everything change….I….’’

Who was the first to lean in, it was unclear. But as the movement began, it couldn’t stop. Their lips collided in an hungry and much wanted kiss. Quentin’s hand went behind Eliot’s neck who moaned as he was pushed closer to him. Their breath became shorter between each kiss, his tongue flickering, each second. 

Deciding to take Eliot’s word to heart and live the moment, Quentin put his hand on his friend stomach and grabbed his shirt to pulled it over his head. He heart Eliot swearing as they broke apart so the shirt could get off. And before they kissed again, Eliot’s hand were on Quentin shirt as well.

Eliot’s hand were tracing patterns on Quentin stomach as the younger boy kneeled on the bed to throw his shirt away. Soon, he felt lips on his skin and Quentin could feel himself getting hard as Eliot was kissing up his chest to one of the most heated kiss he’d ever shared with someone. His hand found the dark curl hair of his friend who he pressed even closer. 

Soon gravity and share touching got the best of them and Quentin fell on the back, crookedly place on the bed. But at this moment, he didn’t care because Eliot climbed on him as they continue their long and anticipated kiss. Quentin felt the other man harness rub against his leg and couldn't stop to moan as his own cock wanted friction as well. 

Quentin’s lips found Eliot’s jaw and the moan he made probably woke up everyone in the cottage. But it didn’t matter. Because it woke up his desire and need as well. Soon his hand were on the boys back, caressing every inch he could find, going down slowly, making the other whisper as he continue to explore and taste his neck. 

‘’ I didn’t expected you to be so...forward with that. ‘’ Gaspped Eliot,his hand caressing him on chest avidly. 

‘’Why?‘’

‘’Honestly, let’s not talk, I’d rather just … oh shit Q… fuck,..... ‘’ 

Quentin had his hand in Eliot’s sleeping pants and was slowly pumping his erect member. His obvious amusement at his friend surprise made him smile and go a bit faster, making the older boy lose his composure for a second and kiss him instead of gasping out loud again. Eliot bit Quentin’s lips as he was laughing into the smile and soon, he pushed his pants down so the motion could go faster. 

Eliot’s head was buried in Quentin’s neck and he was biting it and sucking it, probably letting a mark in the morning. But he didn’t care. He wanted to be marked, bruised, by him.

They were now both lying on the side, and soon Eliot’s perfect and expert hand were dropping his pants and exploring his manhood. The younger boy gasped as he felt the talented hand imitating what he was doing and it was Eliot’s turn to chuckle. 

Between kisses and gasp, both boys were getting himself over the edge, not wanting to talk, not wanting to break the moment. Bliss filled Quentin each time Eliot was touching him and he couldn’t believe how good it felt to hold his manhood in his hand. It wasn’t like at magic camp, a lifetime ago, when he’d explore his sexuality with his cabin companion. No, this was different. This was better. 

‘’ Don’t stop’’ he moaned, feeling him getting close and starting to go faster on the other man. 

Eliot swear loudly and threw his head back. 

‘’I wouldn’t for a moment. Fuck yes Q…’’ 

With his free hand, Quentin grabbed Eliot’s neck and pulled him into a hungry and passionate kiss as he came into the other’s man hand. They didn’t stop kissing and touching until the older man found his nirvana, a few second later.


	7. State of Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quentin finally discover what Eliot and Margo had cooked up. This wasnt what he'd expected. Especially the end.

They woke up tangled in each other. 

They had to take a shower in the middle of the night in order to clean up, which ended up in a great make out session under the water, they didn’t bother to put clothes on and fell asleep in each other’s arm. And for what was left of the night, Quentin didn’t had nightmare. 

Now he was awake. He still tasted Eliot’s lips on his, his heart exploding when he felt the body of the older man against him. He wanted to stay half awake and happy like that. But he knew, he was about to wake up and panic, and it will be messy for both of them. Quentin’s heart clench. What if that’s how he’ll lose him. 

Then he felt Eliot’s lips against his next and he melted. Shivering, he closed his eyes and let him pulled him close to him. 

‘’I can hear you think from here. ‘’ He whispered, half asleep. 

‘’I just… yeah. ‘’ He said, looking at Eliot who still had his eyes close but his crooked smile. 

His mask was on. He was awake. 

‘’ Do you want to talk about it?’’ Eliot opened his eyes and read Quentin’s face with a bit of apprehension too. ‘’Do you need to talk about it ‘’ 

Quentin thought, reliving every moment, every kisses, every moan. His crotch was getting tense again and he ended up a bit in panic and blushing. 

‘’ I don’t know. I feel, it was needed before whatever awaits me today. ‘’ 

He wanted to sound confident and nonchalant. He ended up in a near squeak, unable to look at Eliot. 

‘’ It’s not that bad. Well no it is. But you can do it. ‘’ 

Quentin nodded, Eliot took one lock of hair and put in behind his ears, his hand lingering on in cheek and jaw. 

‘’Can we talk about that tonight? When it’s over? ‘’

Eliot laugh was sad. Which Quentin didn’t understood and made him worried. Oh god, what was going to happen today. He knew that him, Margo and all their year have been preparing the whole thing, but it doesn’t mean they will have it easy. Knowing them, they will get into more trouble for their entertainment.

His head stop spinning worst scenario when Eliot’s lips find his. They were soft, gentle, caring. It had nothing of the hungry passion they had yesterday. This was more an everyday gesture that made Quentin’s chest explode with butterflies. 

‘’ Sure. Let’s talk about it after you are back. Now you need to focus on what will happen. I’ll wait. ‘’ 

Quentin smile, kissed one long and last time Eliot before getting up and going to grab clothes. 

‘’ I need to leave before I die of fashion disaster. ‘’ Eliot said putting back his pants. 

He grabbed Quentin arm and spinned him so they were facing. 

‘’We’ll act normal until we speak. Alright? Just two guy that didn’t had sex with each other for most part of the night. ‘’ 

‘’How can we be normal after that… I mean… I… It will be awkward. ‘’

 

‘’Well for you it won’t make a change. ‘’

Quentin punch him on the arm while the older boy laugh. He leaned for a kissed and grabbed him by the neck, pushing him slowly against the wall. The young man dropped his clothes on the floor to wrap his arm against him and pull him closer. Eliot groaned when his lips got bitten and clearly, both men were starting to wake up in all 

‘’ Alright. I have to go. ‘’ He sigh against the younger man’s lips. If he didn’t leave now, Quentin will never leave his bedroom either. And he needed. Sadly and heartbreakingly, he needed. 

‘’Please take a picture when you tell Margo. ‘’ Because if one thing Quentin knew was that there were no secret between those two. Even if they wanted to keep it quiet, she'd found out. 

‘’ Oh god. This will be priceless. ‘’ 

Eliot laugh, kissed him one laugh time and left the room. Despite his sudden absence, Quentin could smell his cologne all over his clothes and bed sheets.

******

And so the trial began soon after. By soon after, it means while Quentin was walking toward his late afternoon class and a weirdly dressed Margo with a mask came and took him away. Apparently, the trials had been pushed back since the lockdown was still effective but, now that it was over, they could start.

Alice made sure she was away from him the whole time. Penny was an asshole. Ok a smart asshole who helped him a lot but still, an asshole. They managed the first task with both his idea and Penny’s ability. And Alice but that she shouldn’t know. Their lab partner, James, didn’t make the cut.   
After, when Margo came and offered him to drink. He was sure she had just heard about what happen last night, but if she knew, she didn’t mention it. Instead she cheered him up for passing the first step… then totally drugged him. His last thought was never to trust a drink from Margo again. 

He woke up, a bit nervous, wondering if this was a punishment for sleeping with her best friend. But then, realize that he was in a forest and the sun had moved quite drastically. Turning around, he notice Eliot, dressed perfectly, seated in a fancy and incongruous table that made absolutely no sense with their surrounding. 

Eliot gave him his task, because apparently the trial wasn’t done. No magic. Fishing a fish with an arrow. You know. Normal stuff. Before leaving, the older man wink at Quentin and the student wonder if it was an encouragement or a reminder of their kiss. Either way, it was distracting and…

How the actual fuck do you catch a fish with an arrow. It’s like the fly and the chinese stick in karate kid. It’s mental. 

Once again, Penny helped. But this time, Alice too. And Kady. Despite their mutual feeling about one another, they still ended up in quite a good state of mind and ended up being the first team to understand the exercise. 

Margo and Eliot, still seated at their weird table, were laughing so hard they were crying. Alice left as soon as she could. Penny chased Kady and talking about something that was clearly not Quentin’s business. So, waiting for the other to finish the second part of the trial, Quentin went into his room and changed clothes since his were now dirty and wet from his time in the river and the forest.

Fuck this day was weirder by the minute. Eliot was right about one thing, he couldn’t focus on them, on what happen, until the day was over. Because, he was sure, this wasn’t the end. It was to flat an ending for it. So, he decided to wait for the other near the bar at the cottage, where he could swallow liquid courage

******

Alright, starting the day with being naked in front of Eliot and now ending it with being naked in front of Alice was not what Quentin had expected. . He knew this was a serious moment but fuck she was beautiful. Naked or not he’d wanted her and now that she was there, he had to think really hard on their task in hand not to let his mind wander. Especially when they got tight into rope.

They almost failed. Despite him being tipsy and her bringing alcohol. They almost did. Because it was awkward between them. Because he felt bad for what he’d done to Charlie and she hated him for it now. He’d lost her trust and he knew it. So having to say the bare truth was impossible for them 

But then he thought of being kicked out of here. Of going there. Where Julia was and where she’s miserable. He’d forget about all this. Magic, Brakebiils, Spell, Alice, Eliot… He started to panic and feel the hurt of anxiety eat his stomach away. A dark hole open inside him and he felt nauseous. If he’s kicked out of here, he will never recover. His depression will win over. He knew it. And if he wasn’t in a real psych ward, he would end up at the end of a noose. 

‘’ I can’t go back there Alice. ‘’ He said, blinking rapidly so the tears in his eyes would dry. It failed miserably.   
‘’ To the real world?’’ She ask, knowing what he meant.   
‘’ No. Yes but no. Before…. before here. The weekend before the exams happened, I was hospitalized. I didn’t knew what was the purpose of living or why I was alive. ‘’ With his hand still binded together, he clumsily whipped his eyes. ‘’I might not be the best at magic, but I know that there’s something worth living you know. Magic. It’s so fucking stupid I know. ‘’ 

Alice looked at him and shook her head, her eyes full of sadness ,fears and tears. She, too, will forget everything. 

‘’ I might be back on my fucking meds, but I haven’t thought of killing myself since I am here. And it is huge for me. This school, this… magic, my friends, Eliot…. you…. ‘’ He looked at her, full of guilt and sorrow. ‘’ You made it worth living you know. I was happy to be your friend. I’m sorry I fucked it up Alice. I wanted to help. But I don’t want you to die and now I fucked it. I fucked us. And if I am to loose my memory, I want to be sure you know how sorry I am. ‘’ 

‘’ I know you are sorry Q. ‘’ Alice said, grabbing his finger with hers. The only part they could move. ‘’ I needed to be mad at you so I didn’t had to be mad at myself. Because I know I was about to kill myself to bring Charlie back. I wanted to die. Fuck…. Q I know what it is to want to die and I am sorry if this brought it back. I just… I miss Charlie so much. ‘’ She put her head on his chest, both crying silently of their own heartache.

Why did it took fear, alcohol and being soon kicked out to finally talk. Emtion. Quentin was shit at them. And he had the shittiest timing to share them . 

‘’ I’m so fucking alone Q. Half of our class hates me already for what I am able to do and I had to tone down what I know I can do. I know I can do so much more than what I can do. But I just wanted friend. And then my pride and broken heart made me lose those I had. I am hard at trusting people, I think I waited for something to happen to prove I couldn’t trust you. I never gave you a chance. ‘’ 

‘’Fuck everyone Alice. If there something you, Eliot and Margo taught me is not to be afraid of who you are. Ok I am shit at his, but you don’t have to be. Be radiant and good as you can. Queen Alice, the best magician of all time. ‘’ 

Alice laughed, her head buried on his chest.He wrapped his arm around her, calming down and laughing with her. It took them more time than it should to realize that his hand were free. And so were hers. The clock rang midnight. They look at each other, amazed and happy. 

‘’ We did it. ‘’ She said, hugging him, laughing. 

Quentin closed his eyes, enjoying her embrace and the strange feeling of a weight being off his shoulder. He will stay in Brakebill. Be a magician. Be with Eliot. Be with Alice. Everything will be fine.

**************

Everything wasn’t fine.

How the fuck were thing supposed to be fine when he just got turn back from being a geese and was now in the fucking south pole with the rest of his class. Their teacher was a psychopath, the place looked like a bad set of a horror movie and he still felt the taste of the bug he ate while being a bird. 

As they were sent to bed and promised a day of torture tomorrow, Quentin closed the door and try not to panic. Eliot wasn’t here. Not only he couldn’t be comforted by him during his nightmare. They were suppose to talk about...things. And now he wasn’t here. And who knows when he will get back. By then everything will have change and they could never have a real discussion. 

Oh god. Oh shit. Oh fuck. 

He sat on what will be his bed now, and took the pillow to scream into it. His panic was building up so fast he felt dizzy. A small noise distracted him from doing so and he noticed on the floor, his bottle of medication, a note tucked inside.   
_  
Q,_

_The bottle will refill itself if needed. Please take them. Whatever happen there can stay there if it need to be. Do whatever you need to stay sane._

_We’ll talk when you come home._

_I’ll wait._

_Eliot._

_P.S: Margo spat her drink by her nose. It was glorious._  
  
Quentin put the note in his pillow, put the bottle on his night table and close the light. How did his life ended up like this.


	8. I knew you were trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brakebill south is already hard. It's harder when mental illness creeps in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Granjolrass to help me with the ending. Thank you for everything

When Eliot wrote to Quentin that, to stay sane, that he needed to do whatever he had to, he thought his friend was once again making things sound more dramatic that they were. But to be honest, he toned it down. Professor Mayakovsky might be a genius but he was insane, rude and smelled like he didn’t took a bath in forever. If it wasn’t from the note, that he read many times a day, and the last memories of Eliot, Quentin would have gone insane by now. 

Though, the one thing he took better than anyone was the silence. Not talking, being in your head. That was something he was good at. But it meant he had a lot of time to think. About him, about Julia, about Eliot. Most of what his mind created was not good. His nightmares were back and, alone, it was hard sometime to remember that he was in a real life. He wonder if Julia knew how deep she’d cut him. Despite being away from her hedge witch psychopath of a friend, despite finding a better place, she probably put the thing behind and hoped for forgiveness and forget everything. Meanwhile, Quentin woke up many time in the night, wondering where he was and if he was still in a dream. That’s where Eliot’s note helped. The young boy knew that it was foolish to hope that he’ll really wait. That they would talk and everything would be better. Who knew how long they were here. And Eliot was not the most patient man in the universe, especially with boys. And the fact that it made him sad and jealous, made him confront the idea that, for a while now, he’d been in love with his best friend. And the hook up they had meant more than just sex. Was it the same for Eliot? Or did the older boy wanted to tell him that they would be just friend. Or worse, friend with benefit. He could never do that. Could he? Oh god this was such a mess. 

All of those thoughts didn’t help his panic attack after a hard lesson, but hiding in his room and freaking out was easier when you can’t make a sound. Except, that after a week, Alice noticed and would knock on his door and enter his room if he’d close it when it wasn’t bed time. Most of the time she would find him sitting in his bed, breathing heavily and pulling his hair. She would hug him until he calmed down. They will hold each other for a moment, and go back to practice their spells and counterspells. 

And weirdly, sadly, for once, Quentin wasn’t the most miserable person of Brakebill south. Since Kady fled without a trace, Penny was a wreck. It was normal. She’d betray all of them, but mostly she betrayed him the most. Despite all the muscle and big talk, he knew that when Penny cared, he cared deeply. He’d open up walls that were shut down before and she tore him apart. So when they were not working on their magic or getting belitterate by Mayakovsky, Penny drank and smoke. A lot. And no one blamed him for doing it. 

Quentin wanted to help him, to comfort him. But Penny wasn’t his friend. He wasn’t his enemy either. He was his...whatever. No one deserve to feel like that. And he knew Alice felt the same. They couldn’t talk, but the look they shared sometime meant more that what could words ever do.

  
********

Drinking and smoking became the norm for almost all of their classmate. Especially after diner. Many would do it in their room, since there was no point to hang out without a voice. Quentin felt that, a cigarette that hadn’t touch Eliot’s lips before wasn’t as good and satisfying. And beside vodka and bad tequila, there was not much to drink. But he smoked and drank anyway. He needed to be numb. To stop thinking. To stop overthink everything that was waiting for him back in New York. What did Eliot had said before they’d kiss? Live in the moment and not worrying about the future. Easier said than done. But he tried with Alice and Penny, sitting next one another, playing chess or reading. Drinking and smoking. And practicing their spells over and over and over…..

On the 16th day of their training, Quentin was pondering about self harm. Which frighten him. He’d tried before, and when Julia had discovered it, she’d make such a deal out of it that he ended up in the hospital for weeks. Thinking about it now, he realized it was the first time he’d been diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety. He knew it wasn’t a good thing to do. That it was useless and that the pain wouldn't go away. But the feeling of all this hurt being elsewhere than his chest, even if it was for five second, felt like it was worth it. He was tired of fighting against himself and wanted the shadow around him to win. He almost did it. He’d stolen a knife during breakfast and hid it under his matress. Now, he was looking at it for a long moment. 

But then the door knock and open, Penny was holding a bottle of vodka and motion him to follow. They drank with Alice in the library, played stupid games and smoke until dawn. When he went back to his room, the knife had disappeared. On his desk, a note:   
_  
WTF dude. _

The messy writing couldn’t be any other than Penny’s. And since then, the only knife at the table during meal time were butter knife. People thought it was another way for Mayakovsky to fuck with their head. Only Quentin knew that the traveller had somehow told their teacher about what he’d seen.

********

By the end week three the panic attack were less frequent, but more intense. More than once, he ended up vomiting his dinner because the stress was too much to bare for his stomach. But Mayakovsky never changed his attitude toward him. He was as hard and ruthless as anyone.

And to be honest, that made him respect more his teacher. If there was something he hated about telling his condition, it was that people changed. They started to treat him like he was a fragile thing that could break at any instant and needed to be bubbled wrap. Yes sometimes it helped to be understood, but most of the time it made people lower his expectation of him and they always felt they needed to calculate their words around him. But not Mayakovsky. He probably knew by now what was wrong with him, but he treated Quentin just like any student. And it felt great to feel like shit like everyone else. 

It took Alice twenty-six day to master the non verbal spells. It took Penny twenty-eight. And it took Quentin a lot of vodka and thirty-two days to do it. It happened during one of their meaningless night. Alice and Penny were playing chess, Quentin was practicing on the couch next to them. When the spell perfectly worked for a dozen of time, he believed that it wasn’t a fluke, that he’d done it. The sigh of pure pride and joy bubbled in chest and made the other two look up from their game. From the genuine smile on Alice face and the approving nod of Penny, he knew they were proud too. 

‘’ You three need to get over yourself and fuck. ‘’ A voice boomed at the other side of the room. 

Mayakovsky was looking at them with this annoyed anger he was so good at projecting. Bottle in hand, he motioning to the three of them. ‘’ Don’t look at me like that, usually there is an orgy every night by that time of the training. I’m surprised you guys aren’t with the rest of your classmate blowing some steam off. ‘’

On that he left. The temperature in the room dropped so fast it felt like someone had open a window and the cold wind was in the room. Visibly troubled and angry, Penny got up, threw the table and the chess game on the floor, grabbed the bottle and left the room. By the loud slam of a door, Quentin knew he didn’t join the others in their pleasure. 

Alice looked at Quentin and there could have been a contest of who was the most red. Alice was the first to break eye contact and she knelt down, starting to pick up the pawn who were everywhere on the floor. Quickly, Quentin went to help her and within second, they placed back the table and the game where it belong. Now it was awkward. 

They left the room and went to their separate bedroom, but as Quentin was about to get into bed, someone knock on the door and opened it. It was Alice, in her -surprisingly flattering- pajama. Quentin had seen other girl with the same one, they all had the same uniform for the day and pajama for the night. But on Alice, it looked like it was meant to accentuate her curves at the right place, making her even more hot with her angelic and innocent face. 

The young girl walked toward Quentin, grabbed his shirt and kissed him. Totally speechless -figuratively or not- it took him a second before answering back the kiss, trying not to think about Eliot. But he couldn’t stop himself. Warmth was bubbling in his chest and in his pants. Each kiss and breathe wa making all the darkness and the sadness go away. Only her and her kiss mattered. Her chest were pressed against his, she was soft and her lips tasted like vanilla. 

Alice broke their kiss, pushing him away slowly. The shy smile she gave him was enough to make him hard and confused. She left as quickly as she arrived. 

That night, when he jerked off, Eliot and Alice were in his fantasy.

*******

Despite having gotten back their voice a few day ago, Quentin, Penny and Alice had started to be used to spend their night time together in silence and they didn’t need words to make the time pass faster. Just cigarette, bad vodka, books and a chess board. Penny was visibly tired since Mayakovsky had started to train him separately. Apparently, traveling from place to place was a hard and complex thing that made the man even more moodier than usual.

Something Quentin noted, is how little anyone in the class was speaking. And when someone was, it was whispering, trying not to disturb anyone. With that silent spell, Mayakovsky had showed them yet another lesson: we speak so much to say so little. 

At diner that night, conversation were happening in murmurs, the topics were usually about what they had to practice or help toward a specific spell. Alice, Penny and Quentin were not talking or looking at each other, too busy in their own head, in their own tormented soul. 

Alice had come every night to kiss Quentin goodnight and, despite not going further than long and much needed make out session, he was confused about the state of their relationship. He’d try twice to talk about it but Alice had cut him a look so icy it could have frozen him into place. Every night, when she left, he thought about Eliot and felt like he was cheating on him. Felt like he was betraying him over and over. Every night he told himself that tomorrow, he won’t kiss her until they talked and he explain his confusion toward him wanting her but still falling for Eliot. But every night, her lips found his and for the space of a few minute, pain, hurt and worry melted away. 

If he couldn’t hurt himself physically, he will hurt himself emotionally.

‘’ Alright everyone, follow me. ‘’ Mayakovsky said, a vodka bottle in his hand, his plate completely finished. 

He was the only one who was done eating, most of their plate were full. The teacher didn’t wait for complaints or explanation, he left the room without another word. Looking at each other with resignation, everyone got up, grabbed a last bite and followed their mentor.

Mayakovsky was waiting for them in the main entrance, an air of boredom on his face, hand on his hips. 

‘’ Everyone, get naked. ‘’ 

No one one moved, stunned by the request. 

‘’ Oh come on!’’ Said Alice, visibly uncomfortable

Mayakovsky looked at her with scorn. 

‘’ You think this is the worst thing that could happen to you. ‘’ He mocked,looking her. 

Quentin felt like punching him. And by how Penny tense, him too. 

‘’Do it. All of you. ‘’ 

After another share resigned look, they undressed.

**********

Being a fox was something so pure and natural that Quentin wonder if he could stay like that forever. There was no worry, no weight of the world on you, just the snow, the moonlight, and the scent of the others playing in the snow or with each other.

Weirdly, he was able to know who was whom by how they smell. Penny, a dark red fox who was sitting alone in front of the door, smelled like honey. Alice, who ran directly into Penny so he’d tumble into the snow, was smelling like vanilla. They were both playing, licking, kicking. He went to play with them.

**********

When they came back to their human form, everyone ran inside to grab a robe and, without looking at each other, went into their room. Quentin wasn’t sure what and who he was right now. His fox self just had discovered how raw it could be to be with someone. And then they were the three of them. And it felt even better. Like their pleasure and their animal self were unable to stop, always seeking more of this perfect bliss.

Had this happen to Eliot? Oh fuck, how will he explain that to him. Not sure that an hey by the way I became a fox and had sex with Penny and Alice would work as an explanation. What the actual fuck just happened. 

His door open, he closed back his robe to cover himself. The smell of Honey filled his room and Quentin freaked out to the fact that he could still know the different scent.

‘’ Knew you were panicking. ‘’ Said Penny ‘’Didn’t had to be in your head for that one. Come on let’s go see Alice I have the vodka. ‘’ 

Quentin wasn’t sure if all of them being together right now in nothing but robes plus vodka was a good idea, but he followed Penny anyway. He lead him to Alice’s room where she was pacing back and forth, the belt of her robe swishing as she turned sharply on her heels. She looked up right as they entered

. “I can still smell you.” She murmured, reaching out a hand for the vodka. Penny handed it to her and she unscrewed the top, drinking straight from the bottle. “You smell like honey.” Quentin said stupidly to Penny who snorted.

“Yeah, well you don’t wanna know what you smell like.” But his words didn’t have their usual edge and Quentin could tell he didn’t really mean it.  
“Like a new book.” Alice amended, and Quentin got the feeling she was talking more to herself than either of them.

Her eyes darted to Quentin, and then down to her hands, which were clasped together. There was an awkward moment of silence. 

“So…” Quentin began.” Are we going to talk about-“ 

“No.” Alice and Penny said in unison, cutting him off.

There was another long moment of silence, but then Alice spoke.

“It was so…raw.” She said, biting her lip. “And visceral. Like, nothing else mattered. It felt so…natural.” 

Quentin watched her play with the hem of her robe. 

“It was kind of hot.” Penny admitted. “You know, in a weird way with like fur and paws and shit.” He grabbed the bottle from Alice and took a long swig. 

Quentin hesitated, but finally decided to speak. “Do either of you still feel like that?” Quentin asked, sheepishly. “Like the way we felt when we were foxes, I mean?” 

Alice and Penny exchanged a glance. Alice nodded softly, not making eye contact with either of them and Penny folded his arms and glanced away, but didn’t object which told Quentin everything he needed to know. He reached out to take the bottle from Penny, but the moment their finger touched, it was like an electric shock. Quentin gasped.

“What’s wrong?” Alice asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

But the moment she touched him, she must have felt it too. Touching both of them at the same time was almost too much for Quentin to handle. It was a difficult sensation to explain. It was beyond intense, like he was aware of every single hair and pore on his body, and theirs. A raw, animal instinct began to bubble up inside of him. Alice stared at a bit of exposed skin on his chest, where the robe began to part as if she were mesmerized. He swallowed hard as Alice’s fingers moved brush against his bare skin. He nearly keeled over from the touch of her full hand. Although he could barely describe the way it felt, but he knew he didn’t want her to stop. Penny nearly dropped the bottle as Alice reached out to touch his face, he breathed heavily, staring at her. For a moment, something in Penny’s eyes reminded him of Eliot. 

“It doesn’t have to mean anything.” Quentin said hastily, and that seemed to be all the permission either of them needed.

Penny almost missed the table as he set the bottle of vodka down haphazardly, pressing his lips against Alices’. She closed her eyes, kissing him back with ferocity and need. Quentin slid his hands around Alice’s waist from behind, untying the belt of her robe. The fabric spilled open and Quentin ran his hands up her body, settling on her breasts. She gasped at the touch, arching back into him, which made him nearly instantly hard. Alice undid the tie on Penny’s robe as they kissed and he shrugged it to the floor, pushing hers off her shoulders as they stumbled towards the bed. Penny flopped down on his back, propping himself up with his arms. Quentin found his curiosity getting the better of him and sized up Penny. He was average girth, but long. He wondered for a moment how he was supposed to do this. It wasn’t exactly his area of expertise. But Penny answered the question before he could even ask it. 

“Touch my cock and I will murder you.”

Quentin cleared his throat, trying to pretend he hadn’t been thinking about it.

“Noted.” He murmured, as Alice pressed in for a kiss.

She pulled him onto the bed, undoing his robe and adding it to the pile. She kissed him, running her hands up his chest. Quentin mused for a moment that it was a good thing they had shut the door.Penny snorted

“You’re a fucking idiot.” He chuckled, and Quentin could only assume he’d heard the thought, but even Penny couldn’t ruin this.

As Alice and Quentin continued to kiss and explore each other’s bodies, Penny sat up and pressed himself against Alice’s back, running his hands up and down her thighs. She made a noise that made Quentin’s cock stand at attention. Penny slid his hand between her thighs, parting her with a finger. She moaned into Quentin’s mouth, and he could feel her rocking against Penny’s hand. Quentin brushed his thumbs across her nipples, rolling them in gentle circles. She arched her head back, breaking the kiss with Quentin. Penny took the opening, leaning in to kiss her neck from behind. He did a one-handed spell and Quentin quirked a brow. Penny rolled his eyes, his response muffled by Alice’s flesh.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t even learned basic STD protection spells? Fuck condoms.” He retracted his hand from between Alice’s legs and pulled her back by her hips so she was on all fours. Seeing her like that gave Quentin a flash of when they had done this as foxes. His cock ached.

Quentin was glad Penny had thought of the spell, because honestly, that was the last thing on his mind right now. He pressed in to kiss Alice, running his fingers through her hair. She gasped through the kiss, and Quentin opened his eyes to find that Penny had taken her from behind. The sight nearly sent him over the edge. Alice’s fingers on his cock brought him back to reality. He moaned and she began stroking him, the sound of Penny’s thrusts setting the pace. Alice bit his lip roughly and broke the kiss, her breath ragged.

“Get on your knees.” She commanded.

He didn’t need to be told twice. He stood up on his knees, resting on his heels and she bowed her head, parting her lips to take in his cock. He had to do everything in his power not to come right then. She bobbed her head, her lips taking more of him in each time she went down until she had taken all of him. He could tell she must be close by the way she began to moan around him. His breath hitched and he heard Penny let out a grunt. She moaned again and Quentin lost it. He came into her mouth with a loud gasp, gripping a fistful of her hair. Alice retracted slowly, and then let out a high-pitched cry that sounded like Penny had done alright. She threw her head back, rocking against him until he let out a final groan.

They flopped down onto the bed; a tangle of limbs. The room was quiet save the sound of breath and racing heartbeats. Penny was the first to speak. 

“Quentin, If you tell anyone that we fox-fucked, I swear I will kill you.“


	9. Come back, be here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quentin comes back from Brakebill south and a certain someone is waiting for him.

After the fox incident -as everyone decided to call it- , life at Brakebill south drasticlly change. Everyone in their class improved with their magic and their own specialisation. Quentin managed to do all of the required spells without any incantation and without any help. Alice was learning not only to bed light over herself but over groups and objects. She was now able to make the whole class disappear in from of Mayakovsky. His only answer was to tell her she should try a larger group back home. Penny went everywhere in the world and would sneak better alcool that the vodka they’d indulge for so many days. Their cigarette were french, their drug from Morocco or Dubai. 

The sex kept happening everywhere, anytime. Sometime alone with Alice in a corner just before dinner, sometime in the middle of the night, woken up by Penny moan and Alice hand, some time alone, thinking of Eliot and how he wish he was there. 

The drug, the alcohol, the sex, the cigarettes, his medications, Eliot’s note. All of it became a weird mix of why Quentin was sane in this nightmare. Well maybe sane wasn’t the right word. But he didn’t thought of hurting himself or didn’t vomit out of anxiety for the past week. So it was a small victory. 

On the morning of day forty two, Quentin learned that it would be their last one here. Part of him was relief and wanted to dance of joy, the other wanted to crawl back inside himself and never go out of the bed. He was terribly scared of seeing Eliot again. What was once a simple talk about what happened the night before became this huge and improbable discussion about feeling, love, lust and…. what happen here. God. How he would explain it to him. 

He knew he would have been happy with Eliot. Well happier then when he was alone Once, Julia told him that he was scared of happiness. That he could find his heart’s desire and still find a way to be sad or to escape it. His therapist called it self sabotage. Quentin called it sleeping with Penny and Alice while being in love with Eliot. 

Someone knock at the door and opened it. It was Alice, wearing the same white uniform a sad smile on her face. He looked elsewhere, unable to look at her or at anything without feeling a rush of self hate that was totally his own doing. She sat next to him and played in his hair until he decided to look at her, she bend and kissed him slowly. 

This wasn’t passionate or full of lust. This was trivial, this was comforting. He hated himself for feeling his guts relax at the taste of her vanilla lips.

‘’It's time to leave’’ She said in a near whisper, still playing with his hair. 

‘’ I know’’

‘’Are you as scare as I am to go back to reality’’

Quentin looked at her and, for the first time, he saw the fear and questionnement in her eyes. Maybe he wasn’t the only one that was confused by the last month, the las 42 days...and since they became fox. ‘’Y...you too ?’’ He stutter.

Alice nodded. She continue to play with his hair and he felt goosebump all over his neck and chest. Those finger who explored every inch of him were so delicate and soft. They stayed in silence for a long time, Quentin manage to calm down enough that he was about to fall asleep

‘’We can't pretend it didn't happen’’ Alice said, looking up, at the door. Probably thinking of Penny. ‘’ To be honest, I dont know what was fox and what was us. But …’’

She bit her lips, Quentin sat down. He had to admit to himself that he was still smelling Penny honey scent despite him being away from the room. There was still something deeply animal within him -them- that never faded. And maybe that’s why her touches, her lips, their nights, felt so good. Or maybe he was just looking for an excuse. 

‘’ I don’t want to lose you. As a friend I mean. ‘’ She said and put her hand in her own hair, visibly distressed and nervous. He’d never seen her that way. ‘’ I know we need to process things and honestly I don’t know what I feel and if I feel. Mayakovsky broke us in a lot of way, but I refuse to accept that he broke us, our friendship. Whatever happen Q, you are my friend…’’ 

She was rambling. Like she always does when she is nervous. He noticed it because he knew he was doing the same thing

He grabbed her face delicately, kissed her slowly and whisper against her lips. Telling himself this will be their last kiss and savouring it like a starved man. 

‘’You are my friend too Alice, you won’t lose me, will never lose me. ‘’

Their forehead touched and he felt Alice laugh of relief warm his heart.

‘’Will you tell Eliot?’’ She asked and he abruptly stood back looking at her with surprise and dismay

‘’Hm what?’’ He asked, but then Alice laughed. She shoved him off the bed and he obligingly rolled off it until he was up and getting dressed in his stupide white uniform. Anthing but looking at her.

‘’Q, everyone at the cottage knows you two have a thing for each other. ‘’ She laughed. ‘’ There's even a bet.’’ 

Quentin zipped his pant, not looking at her and not able to, He was red faced and wanted to die of embarrassment that this was common knowledge. Now he wonder if Margo was the reason why everyone knew. He was sure she was in charge of the bet anyway.

‘’ Great. ‘’ He said sourly, putting his medication and Eliot’s note in his pocket. 

He knew he was leaving Brakebill south but decided not to trust the fact that they were going home. The whole trial thing messed with them since the first task. 

‘’ By the way. ‘’ Said Alice as they left his room and walk toward the common room. I money on you both dating by the end of the school year. So don’t let me down. ‘’

\---------

Coming back in the magical warmth of summer that enveloped Brakebills was always a shock. Especially when the weather outside in the real world was different. It was nothing compared to the contrast of leaving the South pole. The moment he went through the portal, Quentin felt the warm englobe him and the sun kiss his skin. Part of him couldn’t help but to enjoy this small sensation of joy it procured him. Okay, it lasted half a second. But knowing the stress and tears he was about to face, he took everything positive he could.

Penny left without saying a word. Maybe it was better that way. They’d promise each other that whatever happened there was not to be reproduce in Brakebills. So it was only logical that he went back to being moody and loathing him. He decided to sing Taylor Swift in his head just to pissed him off.

‘’Ready? ‘’ Alice asked, looking at the hill they had to walk to go to the cottage. 

He mentally slapped himself for looking at her lips as she was biting them. 

‘’ No, but I hate camping so I can’t sleep outside forever. ‘’

Alice looked at him with an exasperated look but noticed she was trying not to smile. He winked, put his hand in his pocket and started to walk to the cottage. The whole time, he played with Eliot’s note. 

In the air, there was the smell of grilled meat and smoke that was so typical of barbecue. Music was loudly playing and, by the sound of it, there were drunk people. When Alice and Quentin arrived, pale as ghost and half dazed by what they just live, the whole cottage -and many other people Quentin had no idea who they were- cheered and raised their glass. Brakebill south was a rite of passage and they’d just done it. They were one of them now. 

As Quentin was looking around to see if Eliot was there, Margo was walking though the crowd like Moses splitting the Red Sea. She came running and hug them both with so much enthousasim that he took both student by surprise. Margo was never that tactile or that affectionate to people. Ever. 

‘’So glad you came back. Go take a shower, change from those ugly clothes and come join us. We have real food and a lot of alcohol to make you forget. ‘’ 

People around cheered and Quentin felt his heart race, not sure he liked everyone looking at him and pretending they understood what he was feeling right now. To be honest, after dreaming of being home and surrounded by his friend, now all Quentin wanted to do was to be alone in his room and think. 

Alice walk awkwardly toward the cottage while Margo pushed him to follow her. He saw the brunette walking toward a red head with the bluest eyes he’d ever seen and a killer smile. By the way she was leaning over him, it was clearly Mike. He should care about it and go present himself and be happy for her. But right now, he wasn’t feeling anything. Or no, he was feeling too much at the same time. Nubbing him in a state of panic he ran away from by following Alice into the cottage. 

Her smell of vanilla was still lingering despite her having climb the stair two by two and already locked her door. But another one was now coming to him, something floral, something calming and rich at the same time. Jasmine. 

Trying to find a solution to avoid the party, Quentin walk up the stairs and went toward his room. Except that Eliot’s room was open and he couldn’t help himself but glance into it. His world exploded and his heart felt like thousand of butterflies when he saw him. Nothing matter, Brakebill south was gone from his current torment. Only the sight of Eliot was pacing back and forth in his room, smoking and clearly nervous and in his head. He didn’t even noticed him until Quentin whisper his name. 

‘’Eliot…’’

The older boy stopped abruptly and turn to look at Quentin. His agitation gone. Still as a statue, his eyes watering, the nervousness on his face completely gone. Instead it was replaced by happiness and uncertainty. Forty two days without each other did a lot of damage on both of them 

‘’Quentin…’’ He said. 

Quentin felt his stomach dropped when he understood that it was Eliot that smelled like Jasmine. Forgetting everything,even himself, the young boy ran into the other boy’s arm and hid his head in the crook of his neck. He started crying, not sure if it was of happiness or of all the pain he had to endure to see him again, But he cried, And Eliot hugged him back just as harder and cried as silently.

*****

How long did they stay like that, Quentin didn’t know and didn’t care. But eventually they pulled away and looked at each other speechless.

‘’ Sorry I smell like shit. ‘’ Was the first thing he could think saying because, let’s face it, the shower back there were more like the ice-bucket challenge than actual cleaning water. 

Eliot laughed and Quentin heart exploded again. He’d forgotten how addictive this boy was. How, a simple gesture, the crook of his smile, was as good as any antidepressant. No wonder he went half crazy back there, he got pulled out of his drug without a goodbye. 

‘’ Go shower, I’ll wait. ‘’ He said, finishing his cigarette and putting it in an empty wine bottle. 

But Quentin didn’t wanted to. They waited forty two goddam days to be together again, he couldn’t leave again. Even for twenty minute. Was it him, was it the fox, was it a weird mixture of both, he didn’t know. But all he wanted was to bury himself into Eliot and smell him until dawn. 

He took his hand and pulled him, letting whatever was still driving him insane. His lips crashed on Eliot and he felt himself sighing of relief when he answered back. Eliot tasted like wine and cigarette right now but he didn’t care. He explored his mouth avidly, his hand behind his neck to pull him closer as he felt himself pushed against the wall. 

‘’Come shower with me. ‘’ He heard himself say and the whine Eliot made against his lips made him hard. 

The fact that Eliot didn’t protest to his demand made him shiver. He slowly stopped the kiss and put his forehead against his and whisper. ‘’ I missed you’’

‘’Fuck, me too. ‘’ Gasped Eliot. 

Breathlessly, they pulled away and walked together toward the bathroom. The moment the door was closed, Eliot grabbed back Quentin’s neck and they continued their kiss where they’d left it. 

They only stopped to start the shower and pull away Quentin’s shirt before attacking back eachother’s lips hungrily. The animal desire rose in the younger boy who pinned Eliot on the counter rubbed his hardness on Eliot’s. Even over their pants, it felt like bliss. Quentin pulled away Eliot vest as he gasped while the shirt followed. Quickly after, both their pants and boxers were gone. 

‘’ Now up in before we lose all the hot water. ‘’ 

Quentin obliged and closed his eye one moment to delight himself in a warm and steamy shower. The water hitting his skin and hair felt like washing away one month of pure torture and the hand of the young man behind him helped as well. His arm wrap around Quentin, Eliot kissed a particularly sensitive spot behind his ear. They were not moving. Just hugging and letting the water hit them. 

Quentin felt a tear rolling on his cheek and he wasn’t sure why. He was feeling too much things at once and they were all contradictory. Lust, love, hate, self-loathing, pain, hurt, loneliness, happiness. It’s like the void within him swallowed a sun, warmth and cold battling to know who would win. 

‘’ Sorry I couldn’t tell you’’ He heard Eliot whisper ‘’There is just...we just can’t’’

Quentin understood, because he felt that if he’d have to warn someone about Brakebill south he would do it all wrong and would not make justice out of it. It was an experience like any other. And Eliot was right. They left there better magicians and changed forever. 

‘’I wanna talk about it.’’ He said, flashes of Penny and Alice coming behind his eyelid. 

‘’We will. But not now. Not today’’

There was no expectation, no urgency. Just comprehension and patience. The deep hurt Quentin felt in his stomach relaxed a little, knowing the storm was not there yet. 

Eliot took by himself to wash Quentin’s hair and he let him do. Shivering when his finger massaged his scalp with shampoo. Gasping a little when he pulled them while kissing his shoulder. This was weirdly intimate, even for them. There was not the lust and desire nor the pure attraction. This was caring for something else. 

He almost said I love you while they were getting out of the shower. But he couldn’t. Because it wasn’t the moment, it wasn’t the place. And he didn’t want to fox to talk, if ever it was it talking. 

What he did instead was putting a towel around his waist and grab his clothes. His pocket emptied on the floor. Cursing, he bend to grab them but Eliot was quicker and grabbed the piece of paper and the bottle of pills before him. 

‘’Y...you kept it?’’ Eliot said, looking at the note like it was the most precious thing. 

‘’Of course I did. ‘’ He said, blushing and unable to look at him in the eyes. 

Eliot pulled him toward him and kissed him. But this time it was not full of built tension, sexual desire and need to tell something words couldn’t. This was soft, gently and made Quentin’s knee feel like cooked pasta. 

‘’ You are full of surprise. ‘’ Eliot whispered on his lips before opening the door. 

As they walked out, Alice was getting out of her own room. Her black dress hiding most of her sensuality but still hinting at something seductive. Only her could make this outfit look sexy. When the blonde saw both boys with wet hair and in towels, a smile grew wide on her face. Quentin felt himself becoming as red as the carpet.

‘’ Did I just made 50$’’ she squealed. 

Quentin looked at Eliot with an amused and loving smile. Then look at Alice. 

‘’ Yeah, I think you did. ‘’ He said, knowing there was no coming back from this. Whatever they were, Eliot and him were something. The moment their eyes met each other in his room, he knew he was giving himself and all he was to Eliot. 

Alice yelp and raised a hand in the air, victory on her face. She high five Eliot and a laughing Quentin. As she went downstairs to go to the party, they went into Quentin’s room to get dress. 

‘’Women’’ Mumble Eliot, totally confused by what just happen.

\----------

__  
Julia,

_We all make mistake. I am the first to say I made plenty this year. Hell, I made more of them in the past month that I did in all my life._

_You are like a sister to me. Always will be. Despite our fights, I will never be able to cut you out of my life. There are people like that, who creeps in and stay forever. You are one of them._

_Just be safe. Magic is is a double edge sword and I don’t want you to be cut deeper than you have to. We both bleed too much already._

_I miss you. xx  
Q_

__


	10. Everything has changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frodo once said ''How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back'' 
> 
> Tha'ts a fucking good question

The party ended up nice. Margo was glowing. Mike was sweet, funny and really good cook with the barbecue. People didn’t tried small talk. The hamburger were the best thing he’d eaten in weeks. But what was best was to be nestled next to Eliot who had an arm over him and was playing in his hair while making conversation for both of them. Quentin had nothing to do but to smile when people congratulated him and eat when food was on his lap. 

He noticed he still smelled people, less and less but it was there. He knew Alice was at the bar by her vanilla scent. Margo smelled like spice and, mixed with the earthy scent of Mike, the combination was quite improbably fit. And of course, the Jasmine aroma of Eliot was all Quentin needed right now. He wondered if they would have mated while being fox. And then he slapped mentally himself for thinking of Penny and his paw in his fur. 

Quentin shivered and stood up, nervously. 

‘’Everything okay?’’ Eliot asked, raising an eyebrow..

‘’ Yeah, I just...need a drink. Yeah. Drink. Want something. ‘’

Eliot told him to bring anything but a beer and continue to talk with Margo and Mike. Tucking his hair behind his ear, Quentin shuffled around the crowd to go inside, where the bar was. And as he expected, Alice was there waiting for her order. He went next to her, she gave him a smile that was tired but genuine. 

‘’I’m happy for Eliot and you. You know. ‘’ 

 

‘’Wha-. Thanks...I think? ‘’ He said, not sure which made Alice laugh. 

How could she laugh and be happy he was with someone else while they’d fuck each other on the wall not even twelve hours ago. How could she act like that? 

‘’It’s nothing official but, it’s clear we are something. I’m trying not to think about it too much other wise I’ll start panicking. ‘’ 

Alice received a drink that was pink and bubbling rainbow colors. He took the opportunity to change the subject rapidly. ‘’ What is it?’’

‘’Not vodka. ‘’ Alice said, drinking half of the glass within second. 

‘’Oh god, I’ll take one too.’’ He said to the barman while Alice laughed. 

She had to most bright and radiant smile. She was clearly drunk. But she was clearly happy. Quentin hadn’t seen her like that the whole time they were back there. It was nice to have her back that way. He wonder if he would ever be able to be like her and recover quickly from what happened. He was jealous to see how she already put everything behind and he couldn’t even still remember the smell of the living room. 

Other person were waiting to order so Alice left, Quentin got his drink. He forgot he had to ask one for Eliot so went back inside and ordered something. When he came back outside, Margo and Alice were sitted together, laughing as Mike and Eliot were doing the magic equivalent of arm wrestle. Quentin stopped in his walk and look at his friends and couldn’t stop smiling. He was back, with them, in a safe and warm place. Yes it wasn’t perfect. Yes he was still a wreck. Yes there were things that needed to be said. But for this single night, everything was perfect, and he was happy. 

Mike won the magic arm wrestle.

******

Quentin had fell asleep on Eliot shoulder in the middle of a karaoke contest and only remember waking up long enough to walk toward a bed and pass out. So when he woke up, the day after, it took him a moment to understand where he was. So, he started to look everywhere to assess where and when he was. By the decoration and his bookshelf, he knew he was in his room. The smell of jasmine and the weight next to him made understand that Eliot was probably still sleeping. He noticed that he had his clothes so they probably didn’t do anything while he was sleep walking. The clock was showing him six am.

He cursed, hating himself for still being on the Mayakosvsky schedule of 6 am classes until 6 pm. He went to the bathroom, came back in his bed and nestle against Eliot. The older boy moved to make more place, so they would be even more tangle and press against one another. Eliot opened his eye and smile. Quentin heart skipped a beat. They kissed silently for a moment, then fell asleep again.

*******

They only had a day before getting back to their normal schedule and Quentin felt weird to be back in a normal class, in front of professor Sunderland, pretending that they weren’t gone for a month. The trial had thinned the student drastically and, county Kady’s absence, they were now ten. They’d started at twenty two.

When Penny yelled at him to stop purposefully signing stupid song when he was around, Quentin defended himself by saying he was the one that wanted things like before. Which meant annoying him and him getting angry. Penny flipped him off and walked away.

Each night, Eliot would come to sleep in his bed or vice versa. Each night they will kiss, cuddle and fall asleep. Yes there had been some intense and steamy make out, but they never went further than a blowjob and handjob. Which surprised Quentin since he knew Eliot to be forward and pretty hungry sexualy. He started to wonder if he was seeing someone else but, if he was real with himself, despite the deep pain this thought caused him, he couldn’t be mad if he would. They still haven’t talked about what happen in the south pole, they still haven’t clarify what they were. 

And to be honest, he had so much to panic and over think right now, that this sex issue was not the priority if his life. And let’s face it, Eliot knew how to give a blowjob, even if it was in a closet between class. 

Quentin started to fear that happiness came to him so quickly. It wasn’t normal. He’d been miserable for days, almost wanting to kill himself. He wasn’t suppose to laugh, joke or be sassy. He was suppose to throw up in the toilet and cripple with anxiety. That was the appropriate 

‘’That’s because you’re in love dumbass’’ had said Margo when she’d over heard him talk about it to Alice while waiting for their morning coffee to brew. 

But it wasn’t it. He’d been in love before. With Hector in the 10th grade, with Julia for years and, yes maybe, Alice at the beginning of the year. But it wasn’t like that with Eliot. Well, he was in love he knew, but this bubble of happiness that he felt since he came back was not normal. It will explode soon and if Quentin knew something, it was the happier he’d get, the harder he will fall later. And right now he was like a skyrocket. 

So class continued, life continued and Quentin didn’t know what to do with all the emotion he was feeling. He ended up throwing up more than once when he got overwhelmed by them. Eliot had hold his hair and talked with him like they were in the living room in front of a drink and not in the bathroom. 

‘’So I have question about the Fillory books.’’ He said, sitting down on the floor while Quentin put his forehead on the cold marble of the toilet. ‘’How can it end like that? With Martin disappearing, Rupert at war and Jane trying to find her lost brother…. I mean how could Plover end the saga like that? It’s the worst open ending that was ever written and I’ve read the Golden Compass saga so I know what I’m talking about. ‘’

Quentin was sure Eliot didn’t give a damn about Plover or about the fact that there was a sixth book, somewhere and that he was dumb enough to have lost it. But he appreciated the effort of not poking and probing. The last thing he wanted to hear was _what is wrong._

******

The mid year break was about to happen and the teacher decided it was the best time to swamped them with homeworks and one gigantic practical labs that was suppose to include all of their classes. Of course, with his luck, Quentin got paired up with Alice and Penny to do what seemed like a three day homework about understanding magic. They got ingredient and had to figure out what it was for and apply the spell correctly by the end of the week.

So things got super awkward, super face. Between Penny only opening his mouth to remind him that he was a better magician and Alice talking about magic so advance he didn’t understood half of it, he started to feel like he was the most stupid magician that ever existed. He should be happy to be paired up with the two best student of his class, but he felt the sinking feeling that he would never reach their level. 

‘’Oh stop the fucking self pity party would you. ‘’ Penny snapped looking at Quentin gloomy ‘’Just be happy we do all the damn work while you stare at a plant and your books. ‘’ 

Quentin put down the pot with the fern -was it a fern?- and closed his book, his neck and cheek becoming red and trying to build the ward around his mind he’d learn by now.

‘’Penny!’’Alice said, frowning at him. 

‘’What ? If he can’t focus or don’t understand, that’s one thing. But if he’s gonna scream in my mind how much he sucks, I’m gonna call his bullshit. ‘’

‘’ Stop being in his mind, it’s not okay for you to read him like that. ‘’ 

‘’ Like I want to! Believe me, if I could avoid his constant teenage angst I would. But he can’t do the fucking ward I asked him to do. ‘’ 

‘’ Mind ward are hard! Especially when you already went under a spell like he had to fight against! If you know he’s feeling bad, just cheer him up. It’s not by screaming at him that things will change no? You are his friend, you should help him!’’

‘’ I am not his friend!’’ 

The fact that they were arguing about him in front hi,m reminded Quentin of his dad and his mom who kept fighting before they divorced. He remember hiding in his bedroom with only the Fillory book and his imagination to make him escape the screams and tears. How many time did he went to Julia’s house for the night because of that. All he wanted to do right now was to crawl back into himself and hide under a blanket. But apparently if you do that while you are an adult, it’s call depression. 

‘’ I need a drink. ‘’ He mumbled, getting up. ‘’ I’ll be back.’’ 

Penny cursed at him, Quentin flipped him off and Alice told him to bring back something for her, Fuck this night. Seriously. 

Walking toward the cottage, his mind kept going to Julia and his dad, wondering if he should go see them during the mid year break. He felt he had to but it was more out of duty than desire. He was mad at his dad for killing himself slowly while there were solution against his cancer. So he refuse to see him while he was about to get worse. And Julia...he didn’t even know where she was. He only knew that she was happier now and coming back in her life might be just the perfect thing to break everything good for her. Yeah. No. He’d stay at the cottage. He should ask Eliot what he’d planned. 

‘’ Q? ‘’ 

A voice made him come back to reality to see Mike, looking at him with his one billion dollar smile and sparkle in his eyes. He could see why Margo had fallen for him. He was handsome. 

‘’ Hey. Are you here to see Margo? I think she have night class tonight. For her star reading thing. ‘’ He said, placing his hair behind his ear. 

‘’Oh! Right. ‘’ Mike said, hitting his forehead, laughing. ‘’She told me and it totally slipped my mind.’’

‘’You can wait at the cottage, their class finish at two this morning. ‘’ Quentin said, knowing that he would stay up to wait for Eliot anyway. Having company could help the time go fast. 

‘’ Sure!’’ Mike said, with a devilish smile and they started to walk in silence toward the house, the quiet filled by the sound of Alice and Penny not far away

Suddenly, he felt a sharp and burning pain in his shoulder blade, then his side, then his stomach. He fell on the floor, yelling in agony as he felt Mike pushing him totally on the floor and putting his blade against his throat. The sharp blade drew a small line into it, as he tried to push the older and stronger away from him. He felt the blood leak from every stab wound he’d had, but the thin line against his throat was the one hurting the most, making him cough blood and gasp for air. 

This is it. This how he will die. Fuck he should have said to Eliot how much he loved him. 

‘’ QUENTIN!’’ 

The scream of Alice made him open his eye one last time as he saw Penny jump on Mike and hitting him like there was no tomorrow. The blade was on the floor next to him and he tried to grab it so they’d have it as a proof of his murder. But he felt his energy and his life leaving him by the seconds. He closed his eyes, He saw Eliot face. 

‘’Quentin…., no please. Don’t go. Please….’’ It was Alice voice

Then darkness.


	11. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who says comatose people do not hear what we say to them

_First there is a burning sensation, then there’s pain, then there’s this feeling that ten pound of rock on your lungs. Then there’s nothing. And despite it being wrong, you can’t help enjoy it. It’s like when you sat on your foot and you get up and the numbness try to go away. That tingling, bug-like- sensation. That’s what it feels right now._

‘’We are losing him ‘’ 

_The voices are loud, they echo in my head. Is this how Penny hears me all the time. God no wonder why he hates me. It hurts. Everything hurts. It wasn’t a few moments ago. Now it’s back and I am trying to gasp but my body is not responding. I am in pain but I can’t feel my body. How can this be possible?_

‘’Quick, transfusion’’ 

_I feel something warm in my chest. A spell. I think. Feels nice. I am so tired. Then darkness._

‘’Please wake up, I don’t know what I’ll do without you’’

_Eliot. What are you saying wake up. I just need to rest. I don’t feel good. But a good night of sleep and I will be right. Why are you saying that. Why do I hear sobs. Fuck, am I making you cry? Please stop. I am not worth crying over. I will be fine. Will I?_

_I think I am missing bit and pieces. Eliot was there talking, but now I can feel that he’s gone. His hand is not on mine. I can’t feel him. Smell him. To be honest, I can’t smell anything. Which is kind of good because the whole smell-fox thing was starting to creep my out a little. So if it’s gone, at least that is one good thing. Not to smell._

_The only thing I feel are four gash that feel deeper than they probably are. Hands are probing them and I want to scream. But I can’t. I’ve been trap in my mind before. This is not it. It’s being without being. I guess that’s what being sentient is. I hate it._

I know I said you were fucking stupid but you are not. You care and people and you show it. It’s kind of impressive. I should have been there. Sorry man. 

_Wait was that Penny? It can’t be. Last time I remember seeing him he was telling me how pathetic I was. Not that he his wrong, but what is he doing here.I know he pretend not to care about any of us but what happen in the South pole meant something if it was only that from now on we were friend… or something like that. Is there a word for friend without love. Frienemy isn’t the right word. Acquaintance is too casual._

_Fuck this shit I’m too tired to be a dictionary right now_

**** 

_I can feel someone hand on mine. Caressing it slowly. Holding it like it was an anchor. know it should tingled and make me feel something. But the thing is I can feel the pressure, not the effect of it. I can smell alcohol. Oh I can smell? That is new. But not the weird fox-i-smell-you think. Just normal smell. Good._

‘’Margo killed him.She fucking killed Mike. It was the beast Q. All along, he possessed Mike so he could be near us. Near you. And Margo had to kill him because he escaped and was about to come here and... She’s devastated. I have to go to be with her but I’ll be back’’

_Eliot, my perfect Eliot, kiss my head -once again I feel the pressure more than anything else- and hear him leave. Mike. What the actual fuck. When he met Eliot and Margo I wasn’t even around. Fuck he must have been insane if the only way to stop him was so drastic. Mike being the beast. This one I don’t get. And to be honest, I don’t think I have enough energy for that. I am so tired. I just want to sleep. I feel my conscience being in and out and I don’t know why I am fighting sleep._

_There is beeps and high pitch sound all over. I feel the ten pound cement block over my lungs. Someone roll me over, on the side. I vomit blood. I think. I pass out._

_For how long I don’t know. I became alert to reality. My body is still a mass of pain, I breath better, I have a pounding headache. Because I am here. Because Eliot asked me to wake up earlier and I am trying. Did he asked that or I imagined it. Hm… Who cares. All I know, is that now I can’t let myself die._

_Because let’s face it, I am dying. I feel every cell of my body battling against the wound Mike gave me. Did I imagine that part too? About him being a bad guy? Like what the fuck really. Nothing make sense anymore. Not even me._

_And why does a small voice echo in my head like that. It hurt. So much. I want to scream. I can’t. So I listen Alice.My beautiful sexy Alice_

‘’....and I am sure you are not listening but they say it helps dealing with it so hey, here I am. Talking to you. I don’t know what to say. I just… can’t understand what happen. Mike was the Beast and… oh god Q it was awful. Margo didn’t got out of her room for the past few days and only allow Eliot to see her. Todd try to give her food and he came back with jinxes that we had to undo for hours’’

_Wait wait wait…. WHAT. Days? Oh lord not again. Not after the psych ward. I can’t be gone for days again. I try to move, try to break out of this feeling of being without corporal sensation. But nothing happen. My body feels like a rock and I am syncing under the water. I can’t do this. Hurting everyone like that. Hurting Eliot. Maybe going away would be better. Yes at first it hurts but then he’ll get over it. It might be better that way tough. I’ll stop make him worry. Between my health problems and people pushing me away from reality, maybe it is a sign that my time had come. Maybe I should let it go. Only Eliot kiss on my forehead is the reminder that he seems to still care._

***

‘’For the tenth time, it’s not your fault Margo. ‘’  
‘ You know what.Fuck you Alice and fuck your know-it-all attitude bulshit. It IS my fault. I am the one that brought that…. guy, man, beast here. If he’s between life and death it’s because of me. ‘’  
‘’ Bambi, I think Alice is right…. ‘’  
‘’Fuck you too Eliot. Fuck this shit. Fuck him. He should be awake by now. ‘’

_A door slam. There’s a silence. I tasted iron in my mouth. Oh I taste again now. Let’s add that to the smell. ‘’_

_‘’She doesn’t mean it. ‘’_  
‘’ I know El’. It’s her way of grieving. ‘’  
‘’They say the infection is spreading fast. They are studying the blade but we have no idea where it is from. Dean Fogg said he never saw that kind of magic before. ‘’ 

__Well I’m fucked. And tired. So…. so tired.__

****

_Eliot voice. I can hear him. Smell him. Taste him. He must have kissed me because I can taste cigarette and wine. Toxic combination that warm my heart. Metaphorically of course. I am still here without being. I can only hear and try to understand the bribe I gather._

‘I know I should be here more. I am sorry. I feel torn between being with you and with Margo. And here you have Alice, Margo has no one. Has me. So I need to be with her. I am just scared that you will leave without saying goodbye. ‘’

_Am I hearing him cry. I want to die. Metaphorically and really. This small sound hurt me more than the pain I am feeling. Because I can blame Mike for it. But not this part. Not the part where Eliot is crying, holding my hand, sure I will die. My time with him since I came back from the pole south had been a mistake. I shouldn’t have come forward to all the feeling I had for him._

_I hated myself to love him. I hated myself to taste again the cigarette, the wine and the salt of his tear as he kiss me again. I hated myself not to be able to answer back that kiss._

‘’Please wake up. The moment I learn that you moved your little finger, I’m rushing here okay?’’

_It’s gonna be like Kill Bill volume I. I am going to move my little toe. Funny? No not really I know. Man this movie was good._

‘’Hey, Eliot brought me here. ‘’

_Wait, I think I passed out again. Or I am delirious. Because it’s Julia’s voice that is echoing in my head. Julia who is banned from school and hated by Eliot._

‘’And You should see him he’s a fucking mess. When I opened my door and I saw him, I thought he was about to punch me, but instead he just crumble into my arm. Took everything for Richard and I to calm him down. God Q you’d love Richard he’s the most healing person I ever met. Since he helped me find myself, I am so much in peace with magic. I stop doing it out of anger and I learn how to see its wonder. Q, you should see what I can do. I think you’d be proud. Please wake up Q, I want to show you.’’

_I wanted to cry. Because her voice was warm and her touch was soft. I suppose it was soft because I still can barely feel myself breathing. But I know Julia’s skin better than anyone. And it is soft and calming. And the broken thing I kept hearing in her voice is gone._

_To be honest I couldn’t remember what she was saying. I didn’t even listen. She was there. With me. In Brakebills.That’s a good way to go I think._

‘’You didn’t told me about Eliot. Well how could you, we were kinda not speaking to each other… you know, I was wondering why it took you so long to write me back but then I learn you went to the south pole? Honestly this is fucking crazy. Alice is nice too. If Eliot wasn’t sleeping by your side every day, I’d thought she was your girlfriend. Who knew you would be such in demand here. It’s kinda funny to imagine it, you big nerd. ‘’ 

 

_Pain, so much pain. It felt like I was burning from the inside. I wanted to raise my arm and tear the flesh out my body. Spells after spells, potion after potion. They only numb the volcano within me. It felt like something was tearing me up from the inside._

_I wanted to scream. I screamed. Out loud. The first sound my lung could produce since I was… like this. Fuck it hurt._

‘’Please Q, come back. Eliot won’t survive if you don’t. I won’t survive either. I can’t stop thinking about us in Brakebill south and I am trying so fucking hard to pretend I am happy for you and Eliot and that nothing happen. But I’m so mad, and sad, and confused. I just need you in my life, want you in my life I just… I know I can’t keep to sleep with you like I am doing with Penny. And I don’t want us to be like that. Just fuck friend.I want us to be more. But it’s okay. You are wit Eliot and god you two are so fucking adorable it’s nauseating., I would hate myself to break you apart. But I promise, that if you wake up, I’ll stop being bitter and I’ll try just to be your friend okay? Please Quentin…. ‘’

_I couldn’t breathe. Despite Alice words. I was dying. I knew it. I couldn’t fight it anymore. It was winning over me. I only let myself stay alive to hear one last time Eliot’s voice._

_My wish was granted when I came back to consciousness._

‘’ I love you Q. Fuck it scares me to tell you because I don’t do that kind of shit but fuck… I love you. And I should have told you instead of being afraid to tell you, in case you were not feeling the same way. I know it’s stupid. But I am so use to being use for what I can offer and not what I am. And you don’t ask for that. You just want me to be here and… fuck it feels good to be able to be myself and knowing there is no price to pay at the end of the day….I went mad without you here, I just got you back. Please don’t go again. Don’t go to a place I can’t follow. ‘’

_I’m sorry Eliot._

‘’Q, I think I found a solution. Eliot and I did. It’s Fillory! Fillory magic! Something you know. So fight it Q! You prepared your whole life for this fight. ‘’

_I’m sorry Julia._

***** 

Eliot, Alice, Penny and Julia were at Quentin’s bed. Vines had grown almost everywhere on him and Dean Fogg taught that his cry of this morning was the vine planting themselves into his heart. So if Julia and Eliot were right, it will save him. If they were wrong, he would die. They all knew it, but the risk was worth it. Better try something foolish and hope than letting him die. Blood was already leaking from his nose.

Teachers were around the room, as much as student learning healing. The stress was palpable. 

They weren’t sure what was Q’s most prize possession. They asked Julia since it was her who knew him the most. Without blinking she told his first edition of Fillory and Further book one. But she also reminded him that the Quentin she knew and the one they knew were different. Sure the core was the same, but he’d grown to be a man she didn’t knew. So they went into his room and looked around, telling themselves that if they couldn’t find something that would top Quentin’s love for Fillory, they will have to burn the book. He would hate them all for it, but it was a small price to pay for his life. 

It was Penny who found it. The note Quentin had kept day and night at Brakebill South. The one he’d read over and over. The one he, apparently, repeated in his head when things were getting bad for him. Eliot eyes watered, Alice took his hand, they went to the infirmary. 

And now the single piece of paper was burning, letting out an acrid smell and feeling so little an action against so much a threat. But it worked. It fucking worked. And in front of their eyes, the vine were disappearing from the wounds, stopping to strangle him from the inside. The monitor next to him started to beat more regularly. It fucking worked. 

It took hours for Quentin to open his eyes. By then, everyone was at the cottage, drinking and celebrating their victory. Even Julia stayed at Alice insistence. Margo was nowhere to be found be Eliot told everyone she was somewhere where she needed to be right now. 

Eliot was by Quentin’s bed, drinking whisky, holding his hand. The older boy’s heart leaped when he felt their finger getting locked together. Quentin had move. Quentin was moving. Quentin was opening his eyes. 

‘’ W… Where am I…. W….What happened. ‘’ 

Eliot half sigh of happiness half sob was everything he felt but couldn’t say. Quentin was back home. Back to him.


	12. New Romantics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliot decided to spend the Winter break at his place and invite Quentin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for my partner in crime to write most of the chapter.

Everything was explain to Quentin who had no memories of the event at all. His last memories were walking with Mike, than waking up five days later in the hospital. Potion and magic did miracle to ease the pain and the evening after his waking up, Quentin was walking back to the cottage and Eliot’s arm. 

He didn’t slept the first night. God knows he’d slept too much already. Instead he let Eliot curl around him and looked at him sleep, listening to music, soaking everything he could from the dark haired boy face and skin. Despite not feeling like something big had happened, Quentin knew he almost died and he wanted to make sure that he would enjoy every second of the time he had with the boy he was falling for. 

Now it was the mid year break and it couldn’t have come at a better time. No school for two weeks was what everyone needed right now. 

Julia went back to her friends, making him promise to see her later this week and giving him her new address. They hugged like before. It felt nice to have her back. 

Alice stayed at school with Penny. They felt safer under the wards than outside in the real world. Despite the beast attacking twice. Quentin believed, instead, that Alice was trying to do everything not to be with her family and would continue to study while Penny would still drinking himself over Kady. 

Eliot told Quentin that Margo what with her dad. They had a terrible relationship, but when it come to protecting her from herself, he was the best at it, and she knew it. She didn’t want to go there, but she knew she would destroy the school brick by brick if she could. Maybe being there and yelling at her dad would be better than yelling at her friends. 

‘’But if you even mention it, you’ll die for real this time. So everyone think she’s in a spa in finland. ‘’ 

********

Being back in New York always felt kind of surreal. Quentin closed his eyes and felt the rumble of the subway as the train sped along. He loved Breakbills, but he had to admit, he missed Brooklyn sometimes; it was the little things like the pizza, and Midtown Comics, and the smell of the ocean at Coney Island. There were also things he didn’t miss, like tourists with selfie sticks, and paying $1000 for a room the size of a closet, and people jerking off in the subway, but you tend to forget about the bad things when you leave a place. He opened his eyes to check and see how many stops he had left. Luckily there was no one currently jerking off. 

Eliot had told him to meet him at his place. He figured if he got off at 28th street, the walk wouldn’t be too bad. If he was being honest with himself, Quentin was relived to have some time away from school. But he still couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen. Ever since he woke up in the hospital, he felt on edge. He couldn’t explain why, but he was hoping some time alone with Eliot would help get him out of his own head. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. If he just focused on Eliot, maybe everything would be alright.

The train hissed to a stop, and Quentin stood up. Slinging his bag over his shoulder, he ascended the into the chill February air. He zipped his jacked up to his chin and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he trudged through a covering of light snow the couple of blocks to Eliot’s place. He signed in with the doorman, silently wondering how in the world he could afford a place like this. Even renting it out while he was gone; he couldn’t imagine how much a place like this cost. The elevator dinged before he could explore the thought further. Before he was halfway down the hall, the smell of something delicious cooking filled his nose. He smiled to himself. Eliot was probably outdoing himself, as usual. The door opened as he was in mid knock.

“I can hear you from a mile away. You could pick up your feet once in a while.” Eliot teased, pulling him in for a kiss. He held him for a moment before parting with a smile. “I’m glad you made it here alright. I’m just finishing up dinner if you want to throw your bag in the bedroom.” He gestured to a door with a spatula he was holding. 

“Yessir.” Quentin obeyed, immediately feeling stupid for saying it. Eliot smirked. 

“You better be careful talking like that. I might just start bossing you around.” He teased. “Now go put your things down. It should be ready by the time you’re back.” He turned on his heels, his apron swishing as he walked back to the kitchen to stir something on the stove.

Quentin smiled, just watching him for a moment before heading into the bedroom. One of the things he loved most about Eliot was that he knew exactly what he needed. Right now, a little normalcy went a long way. Usually in his relationships he was the one who took care of everything, so it was nice to be taken care of for a change. He walked into the bedroom and set his bag next to the nightstand. 

He gave the room a once-over. It was very Eliot, Quentin thought. A large four-poster bed was at the center of the room, covered in regal looking purple linens. It was flanked on either side by two mahogany nightstands. There was a large closet Quentin was certain was full of expensive clothing, and a dresser opposite the bed. On top of the dresser, he noticed a few pictures and walked over to investigate, because let’s face it, he was a little nosy. The first one was of Margo. Unlike the artistic photos in the living room, this one captured Margo making her infamous judgmental face. Quentin liked to call it her ‘seriously? You’re going to go outside looking like that’ face. She gave that look to Alice a lot; Quentin too, for that matter. The second was a picture of Margo and Eliot together at what Quentin assumed to be Ibiza, judging by their outlandish outfits. The last one took Quentin by surprise. It was him, siting on the grass reading the second Fillory book. He picked it up, staring at it. He remembered this day. Eliot had convinced him to ‘get some fresh air’ and then teased him endlessly that his idea of fresh air was reading outside. He had no idea how or when Eliot had taken this picture of him. A grin spread across his face as he set it back down on the dresser. 

Eliot was finishing setting the table as Quentin walked into the living room. The place looked like a five star restaurant. There was a white linen tablecloth covering the table which was decked out with a delicious looking meal of some kind of chicken dish Quentin was sure had some fancy French name, two glasses of white wine, two candles, and a single stem chrysanthemum in a vase. 

“There!” Eliot said, plating some vegetables and slipping off his apron. “Finished.”

Quentin stood near the table awkwardly, because there was always this moment before the host sat that he felt like he should still be standing.

“You didn’t have to do all of this.” He said, finally sitting as Eliot took a seat across from him.

“I know.” Eliot said, “That’s what makes me an excellent boyfriend. Besides, it was about time we had an actual date, don’t you think?”

Quentin faltered and nearly drop from the chair he was just about to sit on. 

“So we are…boyfriends, then? That’s a thing?”

Eliot looked up at him, quirking a brow. For half a second he saw fear and doubt but then, the confident mask he always wore at school appear in a cocky smile.

“I mean, assuming you’re ready to deal with my emotional baggage and daddy issues.”

Quentin shook his head furiously. “No, no, of course I want you- I mean, of course I want to-“ He took a breath. “Yes. Boyfriends. Sounds good.”

Eliot laughed. “Good, now eat your coq au vin before it gets cold.”

Quentin grinned. He knew it had a fancy French name. 

Apparently, a date with Eliot was just what Quentin needed. They ate, drank, and talked about everything and nothing at the same time. It was nice to have some time away from his thoughts. Eliot was good for that; keeping him out of his own head. They talked for what seemed like hours. Eliot brought out a immaculate three layer cake and Quentin asked him if in addition to being boyfriends without his knowledge, perhaps there was also a marriage he was unaware of. They laughed, ate cake, drank more wine, and soon enough they were lying in Eliot’s bed.

The sheets were as soft as Quentin imagined they would be. He kicked off his shoes and stripped down to a T-shirt and boxers. It always kind of took Quentin by surprise that Eliot had actual pajamas. He wore a button down silk shirt and matching shorts. Quentin couldn’t imagine wearing something like that, but they suited Eliot. He slipped under the covers and put his head on Eliot’s chest. They lay there like that for a long moment.

“Thank you.” Quentin finally said, breaking the silence.

“For what?” Eliot asked, stroking Quentin’s hair. 

“Everything.” He replied. “For dinner, and this week, and being my boyfriend.” He couldn’t help but grin widely when the word left his lips.

Eliot kissed his head. “My pleasure.”

Quentin arched his neck so he could meet Eliot’s lips. The kiss was tender, filled with everything that Quentin wanted to say. He turned so his chest was resting against Eliot’s and deepened the kiss, sliding his hand up the side of his face. Eliot obliged, tightening his grip n Quentin’s hair and parting his lips. The kiss escalated from tender to lustful in a matter of seconds. Quentin found himself sliding a leg between Eliot’s; he was nearly on top of him. He ran his hand down his shirt sliding over Eliot’s nipple, which elicited a moan of approval. He repeated the motion, rolling his thumb in a circle against the silky fabric. Eliot rewarded him with another moan, arching up into his leg. Quentin could feel he was already half-hard, which only turned him on more. He swung his leg over, straddling him, and grinded his hips against Eliot’s as he leaned down to resume their kiss. Quentin groaned at the friction of their need. His boxers weren’t doing anything to hide how much he wanted Eliot right now. 

He broke the kiss, sitting back on Eliot’s lap as he undid the buttons of his shirt. He took his time and Eliot smirked up at him.

“Tease.” He said, sitting up to pull Quentin’s shirt over his head.

It fell to the floor as Quentin undid the last of the buttons, sliding the fabric off of Eliot’s shoulders. Eliot sat up to meet him, wrapping his arms around him as they resumed their kiss. Quentin ran his hands up Eliot’s back and through his hair. He rocked his hips against Eliot, feeling himself leaking through his boxers.

“Fuck-“ His groan was muffled by Eliot’s lips. 

Eliot broke the kiss, leaving them both panting, wrapped in each other’s arms. He put a little space between them and held Quentin’s face in his hands, looking him in the eyes.

“Do you want to?” He asked, and there wasn’t an ounce of selfishness in it.

Quentin knew that if he said no, that would have been that. That was another thing he loved about Eliot. And in the heat of the moment, instead of ‘yes’, the words that came out of his lips were:

“I love you.”

Eliot beamed at him, planting a long kiss on his lips. “I love you too.” He said, his eyes twinkling. “But that doesn’t answer my question.” 

Quentin nodded, softly at first and then with more resolve. “Yes- Fuck, yes!”

Eliot laughed, planting a kiss on his jaw. “How do you want it?” He asked, kissing a line down his jaw.

Quentin hesitated, looking away and then back at Eliot. “I want….I mean , is it okay if I…ride you?”

Eliot practically snorted. “Are you seriously asking permission to sit on my cock? Fuck, you are so hot in this tragically awkward way.” He reclined onto his back “Permission granted.”

Quentin took in a heavy breath. He slid off of Eliot just long enough to discard their remaining garments, as Eliot reached in his nightstand for something. Quentin noticed him casting a spell out of the corned of his eye. Quentin made a mental note to ask him to teach him that one later. Eliot motioned for Quentin to come closer, and he obliged, leaning over Eliot on all fours. He gasped as he felt a slick finger circling his entrance.

“Breathe.” Eliot reminded him, and he slid a finger inside. Quentin closed his eyes, relishing the feeling of Eliot’s finger working him open. He let out a breath as he slid another finger in, scissoring them gently. By the time the third finger was inside him, Quentin was about to lose it. 

“Now-“ Was all he was able to manage, but Eliot understood. He retracted his fingers   
and reclined, holding his cock upright. Quentin took a shaky breath, positioned himself over Eliot, and lowered himself onto him.

He let out a long breath as he felt Eliot filling him. Leaning forward to support himself on the bed, he pressed his hands into the mattress on either side of Eliot and began moving against him. Once he adjusted to the feeling, he set a steady pace, throwing his head back. When he felt Eliot’s hand on him, he almost lost it. Eliot matched his pace, and he could tell he was close, which was good, because Quentin wasn’t going to make it much longer. He angled himself slightly and Eliot hit him in just the right spot and he came into Eliot’s hand with one last gasp. A few more thrusts and Quentin could feel Eliot emptying himself inside of him. They stayed that way for a few moments, watching their breath before pulling apart. Quentin practically fell onto Eliot and they shared one last long kiss. Quentin smiled, resting his head on Eliot’s chest and listening as his heartbeat began to even out. 

“I love you.” He repeated, but this time it was more for his sake than Eliot’s.

\---------------------------  
Quentin woke up in the middle of the night, having dreamed of that stupid psych ward. But this time it was worse. This time, his mind included the pain he must have endure under the Virgo Blade. Shaking a bit, he got out of the bed and went outside the room, letting Eliot sleep. 

He only walked into a wall once before he found the bathroom. The light was so bright he felt blind for two second and blinked away the pain in his iris. After finishing up his business, he put water in his face and was trying to stop his hand to shake. Shit did he brought his meds? Yes yes he did. Shit did he took them, Yes. Julia wanted to see him take it so he’d done it in front of her. Good.

He couldn’t stop his breath to be shorter and shorter and he knew he was about to have a panic attack. He close his eyes and try to figure out what was wrong. His mind was swirling with the event of the night, his heart felt like getting out of his chest. Fuck, fuck fuck. He needed to stop thinking. He needed to get out of his head 

The best trick in the world he knew was to take a cold shower and, not knowing half of the flat he was in and not wanting to wake up Eliot, he fumble for the shower curtain and went in it. He nearly gasp when the icy water hit him but it work. Because the pain, the cold, reminded him of his body. He was in survival mode so the part of his brain that think too much had to shut down. 

It took Julia to dump him in a river one winter evening to discover that.

When he couldn’t take it anymore, he started to put warm water and let his body relax. He was still shaking but the near anxiety attack he was about to have didn’t seem to come back. So that was some win. Taking deep breath, he tried to understand what was happening when it hit him. A sob and a laugh came at the same time out of his mouth. 

He was happy. Not an i-am-okay mood, not a not-crying-so-it’s-a-win mood. No. For the first time since in year, Quentin Coldwater felt happiness and hope raise in his chest. And it felt great


	13. Alright let stop the title with Taylor Swift it's getting old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quentin discover how Eliot reacted to being transformed into a fox.

The week out of Brakebills and their drama was exactly what Eliot and Quentin needed. They could get lost in themselves for hours without interruption, drama or murder attempt. Which was a novelty for them. Every time they could, they would touch each other; leaning against the other while watching a movie, pressing a hand on the shoulder while cooking, a hand on the knee while reading. And sex. A lot of glorious and much needed sex. 

But there was more than that. There was movie night when one or the other would fall asleep in the middle but the other wouldn’t move in case it woke the other up. There was going to see Great Comet on Broadway because Eliot couldn’t stop talking about how sexy and dramatic that show was. There was drinking wine and reading, without words or sound but the rain on the window. There was Eliot finding back his camera and taking picture of Quentin when he wasn’t looking. 

As promised, they saw Julia. It was supposed to be a simple dinner the three of them. They ended up at her place, having diner with her, Richard and all of her hedge witch. Despite having people from Brakebills and those who got rejected, there was no elephant in the room. It wasn’t about magic. They talked about politic, art and books. Eliot and Quentin hold hand the whole time. 

If he was honest with himself, Quentin found reassuring that someone with the real education and knowledge was looking over her friend and making sure she wasn’t doing anything stupid. He heard too many stories of hedge witches dying or hurting themselves by a fake spell. 

*******  
‘’Did Mayakovsky pulled the fox trick on you? ‘’

Quentin turn his head to look at Eliot. The naked boy was lighting a cigarette, gave it to him and lit another one for himself. Every drag tastes a bit like him. He loved it. 

‘’It happened to you too?’’ Stuttered Quentin, sitting up in their bed. 

Despite having seen each other from every angle, he couldn’t help himself to pull the cover over him. Shy of showing himself, even after having fucked for the fifth time that day. He knew it was stupid and prude, but he couldn’t help himself. 

‘’Fuck I knew it. Did you know that Dean Fogg doesn’t want him to do it anymore but clearly he doesn’t give a shit about our education. I think he get himself off knowing it fuck us up and it turn into an orgy every fucking time. ‘’

Quentin snorted, Eliot smile, the younger boy heart leaped. They smoke in silence. There was so many thing to say, to ask. They had been avoiding to talk about what happened there. Probably by fear of steering bad memories. Most likely because words couldn’t be put to properly describe what happened in that place. 

Eliot got off the bed, put his boxer and went out of the room, only to come back wit a bottle of wine and two glasses. God, if they would talk about that, Quentin will need to drink the whole thing. Just thinking about it made his anxiety rise up. 

‘’You told me...the night before when we…. well you told me it change you. How? ‘‘

Quentin wanted to smash his head on the wall. That was the most poorly constructed sentence he’d ever spoken. 

‘’I told you my wonderful life story before Brakebills. ‘’ Eliot said, after a long sip. Quentin notice his boyfriend not looking at anything else but his hand. Some hurt can only be told if lived again, he knew it. So he didn’t force him to look anywhere he didn’t want. ‘’Well when I arrived there, I wasn’t the fabulous specimen you see here. I was…. well I was more like you. ‘’ 

‘’Which mean? ‘’

‘’ Poof fashion sense and trying to blend with the wall as much as I can. ‘’ 

Quentin punched him lightly on the shoulder calling him a jerk which made Eliot laugh. For the space of a second, there was a smile in his sorrowful face.

‘’ But then this...fox thing happen.’’ Continued Eliot, waiving his hand in the air dramatically. ‘’ And I utterly freaked out. ‘’ 

This took Quentin by surprise.

‘’You? God I’d thought you were the first to enjoy the occasion for an orgy. ‘’ 

Eliot drank, sigh. Quentin wanted to punch himself in the face for that comment. God what is wrong with him. He took Eliot’s hand, trying to make his confidence a bit easier, wanting to show that he was there. They both drank before he continue, with a pain in his voice he’d never heard before. 

‘’Like I said. I was different. And scared of my… liking of boys. Mind you, before that I’d have a secret boyfriend for three months. Asshole broke my heart. And my dad had beaten the crap out of me when he learn about it. So I didn’t want to be confronted to what I was. What I am. ‘’ 

Quentin wanted to know more about that ex, about Eliot past. But there are thing that are better left unspoken, and probably this was one of those. The older boy was doing everything to forget that side of him, it would selfish to request knowledge of his darkest self, his darkest hours.

And the younger magician felt he couldn’t totally say he understood the fear of coming out to the world. His parent were amazing with him despite their divorce, Julia supportive and, to be honest, he never explored much the whole maybe-guys-are-ok-too feeling he had since he was young. So no need to come clean with anyone.For a long time he thought it was just a weird and confuse part of him. That he was just not sure what he wanted. Of course, he’d had two or three sexual encounter with the same sex, but this wasn’t the same thing as what he had with Eliot right now. 

‘’So as everyone where pawing and playing in the snow, I was in this tiny hole under the porch, trembling and waiting for this nightmare to be over. ‘’ Eliot eyes were watering, Quentin felt him shaking. Not trusting his words, he squeezed his hand to give him courage, to show that he was there. ‘’That’s when I smelled Margo. She was more of a classmate than anything at the time. But I figure she noticed I wasn’t with the others. So she came to see me, squeezed her way through and licked my cheek.. ‘’

Despite a tear falling, his smile fondly. Quentin never understood Eliot and Margo relationship. He had a childhood best friend since he was five and it was not like that. Julia and him were not fusional together. And maybe because there is a pain and events that marks your relations. Her not getting into Brakebills was one of them, it almost took their friendship away. Apparently, this was that kind of moment for Eliot and Margo. 

The older boy wiped his tear, clearly ashamed, finished his drink and filled his glass and drank more before continuing. The whole time, Quentin didn’t said a thing, simpling caressing his hand with his thumb. 

‘’That was it. We nestle against one another, waited the spell to be over and went inside. ‘’ He said, visibly trying to control his emotion ‘’ That night, she came into my room I broke down, like literally wept like a baby. ‘’ 

Quentin couldn’t help himself to think of the exact same moment it happen between the two of them. After all, this is how all this crazy thing started. With Quentin having one of his worst meltdown and someone extending help and care even if it wasn’t ask. Maybe that’s why Eliot had reacted so strongly to have seen him like that. 

‘’She...listen. You know? Then told me what I needed to hear. That I needed to stop being afraid of myself and to accept how amazing I could be. After that the rest is history. We became inseparable, everyone thought we were fucking. I mean we were because there’s nothing else to do there. I swear that girl gives the best blow job, she should teach you tricks. ‘’ 

Despite himself, Quentin snorted. The smile in Eliot’s face reassured him that he didn’t pushed him too far. 

‘’We ended up sharing more of our stories and building each other back. Believe me she wasn’t as confident back then. ‘’ Eliot filled his glass, then Quentin’s and continued. ‘’When we came back, we decided that it was a new beginning. Went into a big shopping spree, made friends, had parties. Became who were were. ‘’ 

He made a grand gesture, showing himself. If it wasn’t so much of a heart clenching he would have kiss and show him how much he loved and care about him. But somehow, he knew this wasn’t the time. He was not good with social clue, but that was one of those he could catch. 

‘‘’ But when we are alone. Just the two of us. We go back to those two little foxes, under the porch, waiting for the storm to go by. ‘’ . 

Seeing the Eliot was finish but needed time to be in his mind, Quentin put his glass of wine down, took his boyfriend in his arm and pulled him against him. He started to play his hair, Eliot made a sigh that was between excitation and happiness. They fell asleep tangled in each other, without a word. 

\-----------------------

The morning after this conversation was the hardest. Because it meant going back to Brakebills for Quentin. Eliot had promise Margo to come and get her to go in a real spa for the last weekend before school started back. So Eliot would bring Quentin back to the cottage, have a barbecue with those of the cottage who decided to stay and leave in the early morning to see her. 

It was a bit selfish of himself, but he was disappointed not to have those two last day with him, before going back to the drama and the school work. But he couldn’t be resentful. Who knows how Margo was feeling right now. He knew from the beginning that he would have to share Eliot with her and this was a moment she needed him most that he needed him. 

As Quentin was starting to think too much he decided to pack his bag and fold his clothes. He wondered if he should tell him what happen with Alice and Penny now that he knew how Eliot reacted to his own fox transformation. 

‘’I am sure Penny can hear you think from here. ‘’ Eliot said, arriving with two plate off scrambled egg and fruits.Quentin wonder where did the food came from since they haven’t done any scrap of shopping since they were here, but he realize Eliot probably had asked his nymph friend some help in this matter. ‘’ What’s wrong’’ 

Quentin bit his lips, not sure what to say or do. He decided to stop folding his laundry, take the plate Eliot was giving him and tell him what terrified him the most. One of the rare things he took from his time at the hospital, before, it was that lying about a situation is as harmful as hiding from it. Either way, you hurt people around you the moment they learn the truth. It hurt them twice as much when they believed something else. He’d learn that the hard way. 

‘’ It’s just.. I… Okay I am terrified to tell you that but after telling me everything yesterday I feel I just… I just owe you the truth. ‘’ 

The older boy stop eating, looking at Quentin with a worried expression, an eyebrow raised. Quentin felt like throwing up, his heart was hammering and his mind ran all the different possible worst scenario. All of them ended up with Eliot leaving him. He knew he’d screw up back there and now needed to pay the consequence.

He hated himself for ruining what has been one of the most perfect week he had in a long time. He hated himself more to feel his eye watering. 

‘’ Well I…. hum. My fox experience was different and I might have end up sleeping around while I was.,.. yeah. Hum… And after too. Like the whole time after. And I hate myself because by then I knew I loved you and it felt like I cheated and….’’

Quentin felt Eliot’s lips before he understood that the older boy had lean to kiss him. Gently, softly and tentatively. Like asking if it was okay. Quentin started to cry silently. Fuck why was he crying. 

‘’Hey relax. Breathe. Please. You are starting to hyperventilate. Yes. Good.In an out. ‘’

When Quentin calmed down, Eliot put his half eaten plate on the bed, whipped Quentin’s tears and pulled him over his chest. Quentin buried his face in the comfort this gave him. Of all the reaction he thought he would have, one where he was calm and understanding never occurred to him. 

Which of course made Quentin sob even more. Yep. Great. Full on panic attack. Oh and now his egg were all over the floor. He tried to get up and grab them, totally ashamed, but Eliot tighten his hug around him, forcing him to calm down. The shushing sound of the boy and his hand in his hair helped to calm him down. 

‘’With who?’’ Eliot ended up asking, once Quentin was breathing normally. 

‘’Alice. ‘’ He said closing his eyes, his cheek becoming read. 

‘’Figured,’’

‘’And Penny. ‘’ 

There a fraction of a second where Quentin felt Eliot stiffen and stop breathing. Then he continue to caress his hair and rock him against his chest.But the half second happen. And it broke Quentin’s heart, again. He went back to tears. Silent this time. But they were there. 

The silence was louder than any tantrum or anger Eliot could have done. He couldn’t get out of his grip, hand still in his hair. Quentin wonder if he could push him fast enough to go in the bathroom if the nausea persisted. 

‘’Alone?’’ Finally asked Eliot after what felt like an eternity

‘’What god no he barely acknowledge me. ‘’

Another half a second of silence that felt like minutes. 

‘’Alright’’ 

Clearly, it wasn’t


	14. In which Quentin learn never to meet your heros.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliot and Quentin are back in Brakebills and there the trouble began

Walking to the subway was painful. Not only because the air was so cold that it hurt Quentin’s face, but also because it was in silence. This was clearly not one of those comfortable one. Eliot was frowning, away in his thought, and he had been since he told him about Penny. His heart sank. He knew he would lose Eliot over this. But hiding it would have hurt more. Most show and books these day were about hiding something and the other finding it. The drama was never worth it. 

‘’ Are you mad? ‘’ He finished to ask

‘’No I am not. ‘’ Said Eliot puzzled while finishing his cigarette. ‘’Why do you say that?’’

Quentin knew he was lying. He was mad and he knew it. Something had changed within his boyfriend and he could feel it. Oh god. What have he done. 

‘’ You seem mad. ‘’ He mumbled as they were entering the station. 

One quick spell and they went through without paying. The station was as clean as a New York station could be and it was before rush hours so it was deserted. Thank god it was not rush hours, there was too many people and not enough space. Felt claustrophobic more than safe. The board was announcing the next train was in 5 minutes. He sat on a hard wood bench, Eliot followed. After a moment, he broke the silence, Taking Quentin’s hand. 

‘’You’ll hate me for that but, knowing what Brakebill south was, I went to see Alice. I…. I couldn’t tell her what was about to happen. But I told her I was worried about you reacting to the last part of the trial. ‘’ Eliot was not looking at him at all, he always seemed to do that when he have to be real and serious. Quentin wondered if he was scared of what his eyes could tell. ‘’Alice was the second person whom I told I cared about you. You know. And I asked her to look out for you. If Mayakovsky turned you into foxes I wanted her to be with you. ‘’

This took Quentin by surprise. He didn’t know why he was blushing, but the fact that Eliot had expected him to sleep with Alice was a bit humiliating. Eliot looked at him and snorted. His smile finally coming back to his face. 

‘’ I’m not blind Q. I know you want her. You still do. I get it, she’s cute and nerdy and it’s your thing. Oh! Don’t look at me like that, you can like both who the fuck cares. And if someone could help you stay sane it was her. She even enchanted your bottles so he would get refilled. I put the note in it and went to Dean Fogg to make sure you would have them.‘’

Well that explain how did this happen. Of all the little gestures Eliot had done, this was one of the most earnest he’d done. God knows what would have happened without his medication and Alice. He’d probably be dead. 

‘’I didn’t expect Penny. ‘’ Continued Eliot. ‘’ And I didn’t expect it to hurt that way either. ‘’ 

Eliot would have slapped Quentin it wouldn’t have been as painful as seeing him like that. He felt like the worst person in the world. Now he was sure this was their break up moment. Margo will kill him., 

’ ‘I told myself I was okay with you being Alice. She is great and a genus… ’But Penny of all people. ‘’

‘’So... it is ok I sleep with Alice but not him? Not that I have he didn’t even looked at me when it happened. I don’t get it El’’ Said Quentin, confused and hurt. 

‘’Q you are not like me. You can’t have sex for with a stranger. For you a connection need to be there. I don’t say it’s a bad thing, I just say that’s how you are and it’s totally fine. It’s just… ‘’ 

Eliot couldn’t finish his sentence as the train arrived. They hopped into it and sat down. Immediately Quentin pulled Eliot into a hug which the other answered back. This situation, this talk, was unreal. How could he explain what happen back there made him understand Penny without them becoming best of friends. There were bounds that are created through pain and misery.

‘’El’ I was thinking of hurting myself. Worse killing myself. I was gathering the courage when he saw me with the knife in my hand. ‘’ Quentin whispered into his ear, ashamed of the memory.. Eliot pulled back from the hug, horrified. ‘’The day after we couldn’t have anything sharper than a butter knife.... Look He’s not perfect. He’s a jerk. A fucking heart broken jerk. Kady left and nobody but him knows why. He doesn't want to talk about it. He needed comfort. We needed comfort. It happen. If Kady would’ve stay the whole thing would have been different. ‘’ 

He bend tentatively to kiss Eliot who answered back shortly. Both of them had tears in their eyes they didn’t want to spilled. 

‘’You told me whatever happen there can stay there. It is. Especially for him. He can’t even look at me ‘’

Eliot smiled sadly, took Quentin face and kissed him slowly. He answered without hesitation, not understanding why they were kissing when two second ago he was sure they were about to break up. Now he understood why people were making out in public. In love, the rest of the world doesn’t matter, just the person next to you and their show of affection. ‘’ 

‘’Alright. ‘’ Said Eliot, but this one was filled with relief and forgiveness. Quentin’s heart seemed immediately lighter. ‘’Let’s go back to the cottage and get drunk to forget this angsty moment. ‘’ 

Quentin laugh, Eliot smiled and did too. They kissed.

\----------------------------------  
When they arrived at the cottage, Alice nearly knocked Quentin over as she threw herself into his arm. He heard Eliot chuckle, take their bags and go for the stairs. It took a few second to realize that he wasn’t listening to a word of what his friend was telling, franticly. 

‘’ and then I remember you telling me about the book she gave to you but you lost so I went to Penny and….’’ 

Alice grabbed his arm and walk with him to the kitchen where she made them coffee. By her excitement and her non stop talking, he wondered if adding caffeine in her was a good idea. At least, he noticed, she seemed rested and full of energy. Thing he hadn't seen in her since Brakebill south. It’s like it had shut the flame within her. Seeing her so eloquent and concentrate made him feel like his old friend was back. 

Eliot reappeared with a whisky in his hand and sat next to Quentin for a moment. He put a hand on his leg and the younger magician’s heart skipped a beat. After being so fusional this week, how could those small gesture still made him have goosebump.

‘’ Hi Alice, I missed you to. ‘’ Said Quentin the moment Alice stop talking and explaining all her research and work she had done in the past week. Eliot laughed into his drink.

‘’ Oh hi! ‘’ She said, blushing. ‘’Sorry it’s just…. I wanted to tell you that for days but Penny told me Eliot would kill me if I’d disturb you. ‘’ 

‘’For once, Penny was right. ‘’ Eliot said dramatically 

Quentin wondered how could Penny have known that but also, how close Alice was becoming to him. She’d told him they became friends with benefit, but there is one thing Quentin was sure, it was that the traveler was still missing Kady and was heartbroken. He should make sure Alice won’t get hurt into this story. But later. Now wasn’t the time.

‘’So, if I understand correctly’’ Continued Eliot finishing is glass. ‘’You want us to go to London so we can get some magical...button to go in Fillory. I am sorry Alice but you need to take a step back and look at this with the bigger picture, this makes absolutely no sense. ‘’ 

Seeing Eliot pronouncing the world Fillory had something so attractive that Quentin wanted to kiss him right now. Then he mentally slapped himself. There were weird thing he was allowed to think but this wasn’t one. Thank god Penny wasn’t here to read is mind. 

‘’It does make sense. ‘’ Quentin said before Alice could reply. ‘’We know the button were magical, that is it. But on the forums and blogs everyone is speculating that this is a door to the Fillory. But this time, they don’t have to ask to go in. At least, that’s what she’d ask for Martin so it would make sense that the button could still be enchanted. Holy shit Alice this is brilliant. ‘’ 

Apparently Eliot and Margo had a portal that was going to their favorite pub in London. Which makes Quentin roll his eyes because of course they would. Alice went to see if Penny wanted to come with them, which he was sure he would say no. They haven’t spoken to each other in days and, after the discussion he had with Eliot, it would be so awkward to be around him. But then again, when conversation and social interaction are not stressful and awkward for him 

‘’You don’t have to come.’’ He said as he was packing what he would need for the quick trip to Plover house. 

Holy shit he was about to go see the house of Plover next to the Chatwin. His inner twelve years old was crying of joy right now. Was it wrong to feel want spreading in his chest just at the idea that the fact that Fillory could be real, that all his daydream could be something he could touch and smell. He was fanboying. He knew it. Eliot laughed about it. But he didn’t care. Fucking Fillory! 

‘’I know. But I want to.’’ Said Eliot who took him by the waist and turn him so their eyes locked. ‘’I don’t want to have a barbecue with Todd when I can go see you scream like a little girl in front of an old house.’’

‘’Fuck you.’’ Quentin laughed before kissing him, sighing slightly when Eliot answered back. 

His hand found the dark curls, he opened his mouth to let his boyfriend exploring it. Fuck it was like he forgot how to breath and now was giving back life. He could spend his whole night, his whole life, kissing Eliot. 

‘’Alright, rule number one. No kissing back there. I don’t want to find you in a cupboard while Alice and I do the whole damn work.’’

‘’Oh Penny’’ Sighed Eliot. ‘’ Why do you always have to kill what is fun in life.’’   
\------  
Going to Plover house had been anything but a dream come true. It was a nightmare.Literally haunted house nightmare. And worst of all, he learned that his hero was a pedophile and had tormented Martin for years. No wonder why the boy was never trusting anyone in the books. On earth he couldn’t why would it be different for Fillory. 

Eliot had to literally take Alice into his arm for her to come back with them. There are magic and spell so old, no magicians should try it. Or if they do, they are master magicians. Mayakovsky level. Not apprentice who were still learning their way through magic, however good they were. 

‘’This is exactly the kind of thing that we should be able to fix.’’ She screamed at him when they came back home.   
‘’To prevent yes. Not to extract ghost. ‘’ Said Eliot, rather seriously, while dropping her on the couch and going to the bar. ‘’ You are the smartest person in the room, you should know that. ‘’

Alice wanted to reply but clearly couldn’t. Because she probably knew he was right. Yet he felt bad for her. He went next to her and pulled her into a hug and let her cry silently. The only sound filling the room was Eliot glasses and Penny’s booth. It was a loaded silence. Full of what they’d just experience and what they couldn’t do. All of them felt terrible to leave Plover’s house like that. But there is so much you can do.

Eliot arrived with martini for everyone. Quentin gave him a thankful smile while Alice almost drowned her in one drink. 

‘’Alright, let see this button.’’ Said Penny, clearly wanting to move thing forward. 

They all leaned toward the small object that nearly got them all killed. Quentin still had goosebump thinking about it. 

‘’Oh wow, yeah, you can feel something coming from it’’ Penny said, putting his hand over it. Everyone looked at him uncertain. ‘’Wait you don’t feel it?’’

Quentin felt uneasy. If the traveler felt something that none of them could, it meant there was some magic that none of them had. Maybe they should research more before doing anything. ‘’I don’t think you should touch that it’s -’’

‘’Hey, don't talk to me like I'm you.’’ Cut Penny giving him a cold stare that could have killed him. ‘’ Mayakovsky trained me himself. I stay put until I want to go, period.’’ 

Before anyone could protest he touched the button and disappear in front of their eyes. Alice gasped, Eliot put away his drink and Quentin looked at both of them a bit panicking. 

‘’I told him not to do that.’’ He said, fear gripping his stomach. 

‘’That was the exact thing to tell him so he would do it. You know that right?’’ Alice said. 

Last time she’d spoken to him with that anger in her voice, he’d just locked away her niffin brother. She got up and climbed the stairs rapidly. Quentin closed his eyes and imagined throwing himself out of the cottage window. Could he ever think before talking. Of course Penny would have raised to the unspoken challenge. And because of him, now he was who knows where. 

‘’You should go see her. ‘’ Eliot said, picking up the empty martini glasses.

‘’She clearly don’t want to see me. ‘’ 

‘’Margo is my best friend. Believe me when a girl storm like that, they want to be chased after. Go see her, get yelled at and come back. I’ll have something strong for you. ‘’

Quentin wasn’t sure he wanted alcohol anymore, but Eliot was right. If one person was good with dramatic exit, it was Margo. He got up, kissed a thank you to his boyfriend and went to Alice room. The night was going to be long.


	15. Next to normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night where they come back from Plover house, Quentin can't stop thinking about how his childhood hero is a fucking child abuser.

Despite waiting all night, Penny didn’t came back. Quentin had manage to calm Alice down long enough that have her sleep but he couldn’t. If the traveler was in danger of any kind, this was his fault. Guilt is good with insomnia. He pretended to sleep until Eliot’s breathing slowed to a regular pace; he would be gone for the weekend to see a destroyed Margo. God knows he would need to have energy for that. 

At three am, Quentin couldn’t take to be in bed anymore, he grabbed The world behind the wall and went out of the room. The cottage was nearly empty since everyone was still out for the week. Finding his favorite chair, he sank into in an re-read all the passage he could find about Martin. Was there any hint of his abuse and how come no one had picked up on them. He was seeing such a new aspect of him, it broke his heart.

‘’Hey is everything alright?’’ 

Quentin looked up to see a sleepy and disheveled Eliot. Something stirred inside Quentin. Seeing him like that was so desirable. Seeing him other than all put together and well dressed had something wild that drove him crazy every time. 

‘’Yeah. Insomnia. I am okay. Go back to bed.’’ He said unable to put a genuine smile on his lips. 

Eliot sat and put his head on his shoulder. Quentin closed his book and wrapped his boyfriend in an embrace. 

‘’Seeing you with a Fillory any other day would be normal, but not tonight. ‘’ Eliot said, closing his eyes when Quentin started to play in his hair. 

‘’I can’t pretend I am not shaken up. ‘’ He admit. ‘’But the button and Penny missing and Alice freaking out. I don’t know. There’s just too much to handle right now. I don’t know how I feel. I just...feel numb. ‘’ 

He felt Eliot lips on his hand and the older boy rose up slightly to kiss him on the lips. 

‘’ You don’t have to put words on your emotions tonight. You need to sleep and stop that head of yours to think. ‘’ 

To accentuate his meaning, Eliot poked Quentin’s temple slightly. He kissed him once more, not wanting to say that they both knew it was easier said than done. 

‘’If you can’t, I will have to make you think about something else. ‘’ Said Eliot, his hand going dangerously down his chest. 

His hand went down the edge of his pants and Quentin couldn’t help but moan when Eliot started to touch him. Within second, he was hard, his boxers hurt him and Eliot was laughing. 

‘’Not here. ‘’ Quentin gasped, ‘’Someone could see us. ‘’

‘’ Who? Todd and Alice are the only one here and they are both sleeping. You’ll just have to learn and be quiet. ‘’ 

Soon enough, they were both half naked, exploring each other and reaching blissfulness. The only way Quentin stayed silent was to kiss and moan against Eliot skin. Which apparently was something his boyfriend adored. 

\----------------------------------

In the morning, Elito left to see Margo, Alice wasn’t anywhere to be seen and Todd was doing his homework. So Quentin decided to take a walk down the campus and finish his homework that he took to Eliot pretending he wanted to do them but knowing they would stay there the whole week.

The library was deserted, you could see the dusts floating in the air where a ray of sunshine was entering the window. In the corner, two advance elemental magic book where fucking. Typical day in Brakebills. 

His work was boring, the silence was boring, everything was boring. It’s like Brakebills without Eliot missed his color. Everything was gray and dull. He felt like that when he went into the other side of the world. Life without magic was pale in comparison. After tasting it, there was no going back like before. 

He nearly jumped out of his skin when a moth flew by his head. He lept on his feet and looked around, feeling the breath of the beast into his neck. Maybe it was just a moth. The building was old and they do tend to be around at night. But Quentin almost died two time this year, he didn’t want to try a third time. He took his books, grabbed his bag and nearly ran into the cottage. 

He stayed in his room all day, knowing it was a stupid way to feel secure. His homework were almost done by the end of the afternoon when Alice knock on his door and entered with two cup of tea. She put one on his desk before sitting on his bed. Quentin swivelled on his chair, grateful for something to drink. 

‘’Sorry for yesterday. ‘’ Alice said, looking down. ‘’ It was just such an emotional night and then this happen and I snapped at you because you were there but...yeah sorry. ‘’ 

‘’It’s alright. ‘’ Quentin said, drinking his tea. ‘’I get it. I mean, it wasn’t the best night for any of us. ‘’ 

Alice gave a small smile and for a moment, Quentin wonder if she thought he was mad at her. Because it never occurred to him that he could be mad. She had been already upset by the house, now their friend was still missing god knows where. He had panic attacks for less than that. 

‘’Alright, I’m starving.’’ He said, closing his book. Let’s go do the barbecue we ended up not having yesterday.’’

Alice beamed and followed him. The night ended up pretty great. Todd was a surprisingly amazing cook, Alice was casting spell just because she felt like it, he provided the drinks and got them all pretty drunk. Some people from the other discipline joined them and they improvised their own Welter’s game. Quentin was not allowed to participate since what happened last time, so he was the judge. A naturalist made him a crown flower that he wore all night. A simple and quiet night in Brakebills. It was a rare thing. So Quentin try to take the most out of it. 

Was it like what happiness tastes like?

\---------  
When Quentin woke up, Margo was nestle in his arm and Eliot had wrapped his arm around both of them. Feeling the headache coming, he tried to remember the last few hours and it was a blur of alcohol and drug. Oh right. So he was nursing a hangover. Great. 

He also remembered Eliot and Margo coming home in the afternoon of the sunday and his boyfriend throwing a Welcome Back party where everyone -him included- got drunk and high. There was something about a lamp being stuck on the wall but honestly he didn’t care. 

He also remember Margo coming in the room, eyes red but not from any substance. Eliot had stop kiss him and open his arm to his friend. She fell asleep in his arm and Quentin fell asleep looking at them being without artifice. Showing a bit of the fox under the porch they once were. 

‘’Did I woke you up’’ Margo ask, opening her eye slowly. ‘’Sorry about that, you seemed comfy. And you are. ‘’ She yawn and buried her head in his chest. 

‘’It’s alright. ‘’ He whisper slowly, playing in her tangled hair. ‘’ Go back to sleep, I’ll keep you safe. ‘’ 

In the beginning of the year, if someone would have told him he’d have a boyfriend and he would cuddle Margo Hanson in their bed, Quentin would have laugh and then probably had a panic attack. But this was everything but stressful. It was natural. Despite her temper, she was easy to love. Behind her scream there was pain and that’s something Julia taught him last time they meet. 

‘’I can’t ‘’ Said Margo, shivering. ‘’Every time I close my eyes I see him. I see myself killing im. He had so much blood on him Q…..’’

He felt her tears more than he heard it. It was amazingly sad how Margo could cry without a sound. She was good at it. Meaning she had a lot of practice. How many time did he not noticed her tears before? It broke his heart. He kissed her head and tighten his grip around her. 

‘’I’m sorry, it’s all my fault...I shouldn’t…’’  
‘’Margo shhhh…..’’ Cut Quentin, knowing that kind of self harm she was doing to herself. He was doing it everyday. This impression of being the cause of every little problem was the hardest burden to wear. He put one of his hand under her chin and lift her head up so their eyes met. ‘’I was never mad at you. He fooled all of us. So don’t blame yourself to give love a chance. God know we become blind when we are in love. ‘’

She smiled. Not a sarcastic or arrogant. It was a real one, full of relief and sadness. He answered her back and kissed her forehead again. 

‘’I’m happy about Eliot and you, you know. I never saw him so….carefree. ‘’

A few month ago, he would have laugh saying that Eliot is the perfect example of being carefree. But then he got to know him, and understood the difference between how he really felt and what he was projecting to everyone. 

‘’ I’m happy you are not ripping my head off over that. ‘’

‘’Oh I’ll give you the whole if you break his heart I’ll cut your balls and make you eat them speech another day. Too sleepy for that. ‘’   
‘’Alright. Noted. ‘’ He laughed.

Margo giggle -actually giggled- and kissed his nose before putting her forehead against him, closing her eyes. Eliot moved a bit, still sleeping. The silence was nice but too loaded to be not acknowledged. His headache was not his priority right now. 

‘’I can’t believe I am the one saying that, but you should try to stop thinking Margo. I know the face of someone spiralling into something dark, I wear it everyday. So please. Just breath and look at me. ‘’ 

Margo opened her eyes and look deep into Quentin eyes. He felt the pit of his stomach burning. He tried to smile and reassure her, but before he knew it, Margo was kissing him. And he couldn’t help himself to kiss back. 

His hand moved on her curves, discovering the side of her breast, her hips her, her butt. She moaned in his mouth when his hand went under her shirt. He was discovering every inch of skin she had on her and was getting hard just at the feeling of her soft and silky skin. Soon her nightgown was off

When Eliot moved, Quentin stopped and came back to reality. The one where he was making out with his boyfriend best friend in his bed. This was just so wrong in many level. Margo, confused and angry they’d stop kissing, saw the fear in his eyes and smiled softly. 

‘’El’ babe, you said I could cuddle Quentin too right?’’ She ask in a voice filled with lust that made Quentin even harder.   
‘’Yeah. Whatever you want bambi. ‘’ said Eliot, half sleeping settling him face in the crook of her neck.   
‘’Anything?’’   
‘’ If he’s okay with it, I am too. Mind if I join later, I have a killer headache. ‘’

Okay his boxer was officially a tent now, he had to bite his lips to muffle a groan. He watch as Eliot kissed her neck slowly while looking at him. He let out a sharp breath. Eliot winked and rolled out of the bed while pushing Margo toward Quentin. What his boyfriend did after that he didn’t know cause Margo kissed him with more intensity and his brain melted when his hand touched her nipples. 

His lips went down her neck as he was pushing the lace boyshort she had and he grin against her skin when he heard her moan his name while his finger explored her clitoris. He enjoyed the taste of her nipple, knowing well that of all thing, he was good with his fingers when it comes to girls.

‘’Fucking shit Q, it’s true what they say. Nerds always surprise you in bed. ‘’ 

Quentin couldn’t help but laugh at that comment and, to make a point, entered one finger inside her. He went back to her mouth so he could taste her moans. Her nails was digging in his back and he felt himself loving the pain and the lust he was in. His hardness was starting to hurt but he decided that this morning was all about Margo and her pleasure. She needed it more than he did. And honestly, to see her groan like that was worth everything. She was the perfect picture of what lust should look like. 

A second finger helped him set a pace and he could feel her reaching a point where there was no coming back. Fuck this was so hot, he felt his boxer being wet and he didn’t care, Margo Hanson was whining his name and her salty flesh felt like heaven. 

‘’ Oh my god Quentin right there.’’ She gasped as a spasm took her and she became undone underneath him. 

When she came back to herself, Quentin pulled out his finger and kissed her tenderly, loving to see her in this aftermath of dazed blissfulness. 

‘’Already finished? Sheesh a guy can’t go find aspirin for 5 minute…’’ 

Quentin ,looked up to see Eliot at the edge of the bed, a glass of water in his hand, a grin illuminating his face. Quentin blushed and smilled back. Margo sat up and grabbed the water, unfaze by her nakedness. 

‘’Now I get what you mean by knows what he’s doing .’’ She said as she pulled Eliot for a peak on the lips. 

Quentin saw him blushing and felt himself do the same as he realized that he must have told her about their many times together. To avoid any awkward detail, he kissed Eliot who answered back hungrily. 

‘’ My my, I worked you up pretty hard. ‘’ Said Margo as they were still kissing. 

Quentin almost came when he felt her hand lowering his boxer. Her fingers played on his thighs and he felt Eliot joining her teasing. He gasp between two kiss which made Eliot bite his lips. 

‘’ Do you want to play with him again?’’ Eliot asked Margo while undoing his robe. He was fully naked underneath. 

‘’ Do you mind?’’ 

God the way she said it with that little voice, he was leaking on the bed. 

‘’ Only if I can play too. ‘’ Answered Eliot who was casting the protection spells

‘’I wouldn’t want it any other way.’’

On that, Margo kissed Eliot hungrily before pushing Quentin on the bed and, after a few adjustment, lowered herself on him.

‘’F..Fuck.’’He heard himself moan as she was starting to set a pace. 

His eyes met Eliot’s and so much love and desire was unspoken but communicated. He reached for him and his boyfriend gladly obliged, grabbing his hair as he started to lick the side of his cock. 

Margo was riding him with intensity and, by her gasp he knew she wouldn’t last long. It was okay, him neither. He started to move his hips in sync with her while taking Eliot in his mouth. The smell of Margo and Eliot surrounded him, his boyfriend tasted like water to a thirsty man. 

‘’ Come on bambi, come for me. Come for us. ‘’ Eliot said which helped Quentin to go faster, on both of them. 

Margo came in a cry of bliss and her tightening around him made him orgasm hard and had to pull out of his mouth Eliot’s length or he would have choked. 

Still half dazed by it, he licked his lips enjoying the taste of Eliot on them. The older boy was stroking himself while looking at them untangle each other and god he’d never been so beautiful. The desire and the want he read in his eyes made him lose a breath and he pulled Margo toward her, kissing her neck. The girl, closing her eyes, let him while still catching her breath. 

‘’Eliot said you need to teach me how to do a blowjob. ‘’ Quentin faked whisper so Eliot could hear them. And he did, the whimper that came out of him was the proof. ‘’Can you help me…’’

Margo smile widened and had a professorial hint in it that made Quentin loin starting to burn again. 

‘’ With please. Follow me, I’ll teach you.’’

Margo was a great teacher. Eliot didn’t last a minute. They ended up lying in the bed, sweating and blissfully happy. Margo looked at both boys and she started laughing. Quentin noticed it was the first time he ever heard her laugh since Mike ad ruined her life. 

Eliot was playing in his hair, Margo decided to go back to sleep. This was the best wake up he’d had in years.


	16. Werewolf and Dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Margo has a broken heart, everyone try to find Penny, Quentin try to manage both. It's not as easy as it seems

Brakebills started back his classes and soon the day came and went in a blurr. Penny was still missing and it started to worry everyone. Only Alice wanted to go ask help from teacher but Margo pointed out that none of the teacher in Brakebills were travelers like him and so they would try the same thing they were all researching in their spare time. She wasn’t wrong. The way she said it though was unnecessarily harsh.

That Quentin and Alice tried to find solution in the library was a bit expected, but that Eliot and Margo came was much of a surprise. At first he thought they’d mess around while not doing anything, but they ended up in fact as devoted to find back their friend. When he mentioned his surprise to his boyfriend, Eliot answered that he coax Margo into helping so she would stop thinking or trying to find some random guy to make her aching heart forget by sex and drugs. 

Speaking of which, since their first threesome, Margo had acquired a taste into Quentin and it happened more than once that the lips of the brunette were on his neck as she rode him to oblivion. Many time Eliot joined the fun. But sometime they were alone. In his bedroom while he was suppose to study, in the bathroom between classes or, like right now, in the back of the library where no one ever went. He had her pinned on a bookshelf, her legs wrap around him while sucking her neck and thrusting into her with lust. Her nails would leave marks in his back and he didn’t care. The little sound she was making, trying to be quiet as she was about to come, was driving him insane. Margo was a masterpiece of beauty when she had an orgasm and every time, it drove him near the edge too. 

When they were done, she purred into his ear, kissed him and fixed herself.

‘’Thank you.’’ she said with a voice that put goosebump on his neck 

He replace his boxers, pants and shirt before having a small smile, never knowing what to say or do after that. She laughed at him, grabbed the book they went looking for and walked back to Alice and Eliot who were in a study table in the front of the room. Quentin hated himself to be unable not to look at her ass while he walked behind her. 

He sat next to Eliot who put his hand on his thigh and they continue to search, elaborating impossible theories and finding spell so old most of them must be unsafe to practice by now. When the library closed, they got kicked out by the librarian and Margo decided that Alice and her needed to drink together to forget their failure of yesterday. The blonde didn’t had time to say no that she was dragged away, pleading for help with her eyes. Both Quentin and Eliot gave her a sympathetic smile, not wanting to risk Margo’s wrath.

Both boys left toward the cottage, letting the warm breeze of the air mess with their hair. Eliot pulled out a cigarette, lit it, gave it to Quentin and took another one for him. 

‘’Did you and Bambi fucked while going to find Hursan law’s of time bending? ‘’ Eliot ask nonchalently, linking his finger in Quentin’s.

‘’Yeah. Kind of hard to say no when she literally push your pant’s down and start playing with you. ‘’ He answered, blowing smoke from his cigarette. 

And doing it in a library was a long fantasy of him. So when a magnificent girl like Margo is about to realize it, your cock decide more than your brain. 

‘’Wait, you wanted to say no?’’ Eliot said, half amused half surprise. ‘’Half the boys in the cottage want to be in your place Q. ‘’ 

Quentin shrug, blushing and squeezing his boyfriend’s hand a bit. 

‘’Well, if my count are exact, I’ve slept with her more thay I’ve slept with you in the past five weeks. I start to feel bad you know.’’

‘’Wait’’ Laughed Eliot, ‘’You counted how many time you slept with me and with her?’’ 

‘’You don’t?’’ 

The surprised expression on Quentin’s face made Eliot laugh so hard. He knew he should feel embarrassed, but seeing his boyfriend like that always made his heart skipped a beat. The way his exclamation were genuine, his head was pulled back and his eyes closed for a second. Those moment where the true Eliot was showing were the best moment. 

‘’ I told you Q, I really don’t care if you sleep with her. It makes you both happy so we all win. ‘’ 

Quentin shrugged again, finished his cigarette and stumped on it. Eliot stopped walking and pulled him forward, their lips crashing immediately as they closed on each other. Eliot taste and smell enveloped him and the sensation was dizzying. It felt like every kiss was making him fall in love a little more. 

 

‘’I love you’’ Quentin said on his lips and Eliot only answered by a longer and deeper kiss that lead the both man being half hard. 

‘’I love you too. ‘’ Eliot said and he took his boyfriend’s hand to continue their walk.’’I know you do, so don’t worry, enjoy Margo. Because god she’s hot let’s face it. ‘’ 

Quentin blush, unable to explain the conflicting feeling he felt inside him for the past days. The idea that every time he looked at Eliot his heart skipped a beat but, many days he was screwing his best friend was so twisted and yet so erotic. It felt like cheating, despite having the ok to go. He heard sighing next to him and looked up to see his boyfriend looking at him amused and in love.

‘’Q, it’s okay if you sleep around a bit. You want to go fuck Margo? Alice? Todd? Who cares? Okay I would judge you for Todd but that’s another story I mean come on you can do better than Todd. ‘’ 

Quentin snorted, Eliot smiled, they entered the cottage. It was full of life, loud and crowded. Despite the organized chaos the physical kids cottage could be, this was the first time he felt at home somewhere. Eliot went to the bar while Quentin was greeted by some of his classmate. A few minute later, his boyfriend came back with drinks and they eclipse everyone to go in Eliot’s room; his bed was bigger and he had more toys to play with when it came to sex. 

‘’It seemed that you care when you learn I slept with Penny. ‘’ Quentin pointed out, putting his bag on the floor and sitting down the bed to drink.

He had no clue what it was but god it was strong and tasted like cherry and lime. Eliot sigh and sat dramatically on the bed. 

‘’It was a moment of weakness. I had prepare myself for Alice, Penny just took my by surprise. But apparently you didn’t had fun with him so can we really count him in your arem? ‘’ 

‘’ My arem!’’ Scuffed Quentin. 

‘’Look, sex is just sex okay? I don’t care. As long as you come back to me at the end of the day. ‘’ 

Not come back home. Come back to me. Quentin felt his heart swell with love despite the confusion hurting his stomach.

‘’Would you mind if I did it too? I mean sleep with someone else. ‘’ Eliot ask, looking at Quentin with the kind of eyes who told the younger magician his boyfriend had been waiting to ask this question for awhile now. 

Quentin expected a deep despair in his stomach or fear. He expected to be possessive or hurt. But he felt...nothing? Not that numbness he was so use to, nor the cold hurt that makes you feel nothing because it hurt too much. No this was the kind of feeling he was learning since it was with Eliot. It was more than happiness and calm. It was trust. 

He frown and drank before looking at Eliot. His boyfriend was patient which surprised him so much, it was like he could read his mind and know when he needed time to think over it. Like the whole Plover thing. It took him day to make peace with it, but now he couldn’t deny that part of his naive childhood died the moment he learn what kind of man the writer was. 

‘’I’ll be hypocritical to say I don’t like it am I. ‘’ He said with a smile. He finish his drink while Eliot looked at him like he was about to break down. ‘’ I mean… I think if we do this, we will need rules, but I wouldn’t mind. As long as there are boundaries. ‘’  
Eliot lips slightly parted open as he put his drink down. He took Quentin empty glass and put it on the night stand before crawling to his boyfriend, a feline grin on his lips. 

‘’Quentin Coldwater, you’ll always surprise me. ‘’ He said before grabbing his lips hungrily. 

They didn’t talk about what would be the rules if they were to sleep with someone else. They didn’t talk about polygamy and sex versus emotion. No, instead they made love, moaning in each other skin, knowing that whatever happen, this feeling that bounded them would never be torn apart. 

\----------------  
That night, Quentin woke up in a gasp, woke up Eliot and almost forgot to put pants before getting Margo and Alice; Penny just contacted him while having a pretty embarrassing sex dream about Eliot, him and Alice. Let say dress up were his thing.

"Hold on, six hours? What the hell!" Said Margo sitting on Her bed as everyone entered and settle in; she was the last one to woke up so it meant her room became the place to have this impromptu meeting 

"It's been nearly six weeks now " said Alice biting her nails. 

Quentin has to concentrate real hard not to look at both lady in their nightgown and not has filthy thoughts.

"what do we know about the Netherlands" asked Eliot looking at Quentin. "By we I mean you" 

Quentin tried to probe his brain for any kind of information but from the Fillory and multiverse perspective, the writing was scarce and theory rather impossible. 

"I know in the wandering dune Jane and Rupert find this dromedary named Cameltoe "

Everyone but Quentin snorted, he rolled his eyes 

"1943 guys, it wasn't dirty at the time. Anyway he speaks of a world between worlds that might be it "

There was a silence, Quentin was pacing the room, his heart beating like a drum, unable to keep the plead for help of Penny. He knew that him asking meant he was in a lot of trouble, somehow it felt his responsibility to help him. It was his fault anyway. He told him the right thing to boost his pride.

"I might know someone that could help" said Alice and everyone look at her.

She was lovely with this shade of pink on her skins. 

"Why didn't you told us ? We spend hour in dust and book when you had an answer ?!" Exclaim Margo, angrily. 

"We were not that desperate. Believe me." 

"Are you gonna spill it or what? Want us to beg?"

"Margo.."

"Oh shut up El, for once can we have a clear answer? Especially when it's fucking four am and you are all in my bedroom "

Well, how to make things awkward. Eliot put a hand in his best friend shoulder while Quentin went over Alice to put a reassuring hand on her back. He hopes that she understood that they were not agreeing with Margo. Well maybe they were but not in those words.

"It's my parents okay? They are horrible, they suck and basically worship my brother and forgot about me. It got worse when he went missing so sorry Margo for not wanting to talk about it now cut down the attitude I'm trying to help here "

Quentin had the stupid thought of wondering if all of their parents were born on the same pattern and If there was a link to it and magic. But this wasn't the place nor the time to think about it.

"Alright." Fumble Eliot, clearly trying to gain control of the situation. "That's a plan! We will talk about the quest tomorrow morning shall we. I think Bambi here need her beauty sleep or she'll turn into a werewolf " 

Margo started to swear and tell Eliot to fuck a goat so Quentin decided it was the smarter idea to pull Alice away from the scene and left the room. He accompanied her to her room before pulling her into a hug.

"Are you alright ?" He ask, seeing the fear in her eyes.

Were her parent that terrible? Was that why he always felt some crack under the armour that she tried to put over her. 

"If we decide to go, can you come with me ? " She ask, sobs in her voice.

Quentin hugged her more intensely, she hid her head in the crook of his neck. His heart broke a little when he felt her tears on his skin. 

"Of course, I wouldn't do otherwise "

\--------  
Between making sure Alice was okay and Eliot coming back after a few hours of tantrum and comfort with Margo, Quentin didn't sleep a lot. He felt like a zombie when his alarm rang and stared at the ceiling, wondering if he should go to his class or roll back to bed in Eliot embrace. 

The older boy was positively passed out and not in any appearance of waking up. Quentin pulled the cover over his boyfriend, rolled out of bed and went into his room to take his medication, change his clothes and grab his book. 

Did he fell asleep in class? Maybe just a little. But Alice kicked him in the chin every time he was about to go into his dream so he stayed away for the most part of his class.

He went for a nap the moment his class finished. 

Apparently during that time, Alice and Margo had talked because they were both around the table while Eliot was cooking diner. It smelled like delicious. 

"Finally ! Sleeping beauty is back! " Margo said laughing in her wine. 

Eliot turned, gave him a smile that could melt the Antarctic and gave him a glass of wine and a kiss. 

"It's gonna be ready in a few, go plan our quest " he said slapping his ass which made him yelp and blush 

"What's the plan ?" He ask sitting in front of Alice who was filling her own cup. 

"Going to my parent, die of embarrassment, save Penny in the process "

He saw Margo bite her lips and Eliot giving her a look. The brunette rolled her eyes and drank. Visibly something happened between the two of them and, for once, Quentin wasn’t eager to know what. 

"We can go this weekend" suggested Quentin, touching Alice frozen hand, 

"Great it settled. " Said Margo getting up "tell me the details later, I got to go"

She nearly ran out the door, Eliot sigh and Alice squinted angrily. Well, here was yet another situation where Quentin had no clue what to do. 

" Diner his almost ready" Said Eliot to the door but Margo was already gone.

"No offence Eliot, but the thing will be already painful without her attitude, I'd rather not have her around "

"Oh god no, no one here has that kind of dead wish.’’ Eliot said, arriving with a steaming pot ‘’ I'll keep her entertain don't worry " 

Eliot put on the table a pot full of the best smelling stew Quentin ever smelled Carrots, potatoes, onions, beans, peppers and tomatoes were slowly cooking in a sauce that smelled like wine and honey. Quentin looked at his boyfriend amazed, wondering if there was one thing he was not good at. 

"But you shouldn't be alone, Q should go with you’’ Continued Eliot,putting his concoction in bowls for them to eat. Oh god it tasted even better than it looked. 

" I was planning going anyway " Said Alice playing with her food, visibly not hungry. 

"Perfect, the quest is accepted!’’ Eliot said, sitting graciously next to Quentin who was devouring the bowl. 

It is now that he realized he didn’t remember last time he’d eaten..

‘’ Alice, Q go find the evil wizard while I'll try to slay a dragon " Said Eliot, branding his spoon like a sword. 

"Then we say I'm the nerd " Snorted Quentin

‘’I’ll say you’re weirdness robbed off on me. ‘’ 

Alice laughed, smiling a bit. For a moment, Quentin wondered if Eliot wasn’t doing all this for her, knowing she was hurting as much as all of them by the thought of going to her parents. If he was, then Quentin was falling in love with him a little more.


	17. Fillory included

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q visit Alice family and come back to the cottage to a bad surprise.

The weekend arrived too quickly by everyone’s taste and soon enough Alice was drawing a portal to her parent house. Quentin looked at her in awe, knowing only few third year could manage to do it and yet, in the first year, she was doing it with precision. Watching Alice doing magic was like watching Mozart write a symphony. There is something into watching a genius at work that would always be breathtaking. 

‘’You’ll be fine. ‘’ A voice said behind him and he felt Eliot’s arm around him before his boyfriend put a kiss on his head. ‘’Stop frowning, it will make your face all wrinkled.’’ 

Quentin couldn’t help be smile a bit and turn his head just enough that he could see Eliot. The older man was really dapper tonight and he knew he was supposed to bring Margo somewhere out of college. Probably a bar. He tried not to think about he fact that he could sleep with someone else and reminded himself that Eliot was his in the end of the day. 

‘’I know I’ll be fine. But if Alice is terrified of going there, it mustn’t be Disneyland either. ‘’ 

‘’ I don’t think I know one person here that doesn’t have a fucked up family. I think it’s a prerequirement to be admitted. ‘’ 

Quentin laugh and kissed Eliot. He only stop because Alice called for him, she was waiting near the portal, a dark house with many trees on the other side. 

‘’Have fun with Margo. ‘’ He said, kissing him one last time, before going into the portal, Alice on his heels. 

Quentin could hear her breath shaking so he took her hand and squeezed it. How did his life became that he was the one comforting people when they were nervous. God if Julia would know that she would laugh at him. Well, of course right now he was internally screaming and totally scared of going into that near mansion, but he knew that his friend needed him more steady and confident than he felt. It was nice, for once, to know that he was someone’s rock. 

‘’Promise me you’ll hate them as much as I do. ‘’ She said

‘’Oh I promise. I hate them already. Yep they are officially our nemesis. ‘’

He knew what he was rambling was stupid. But he was trying to make her laugh and it was half working. Alice open the door. What. The. Fuck. 

\-----------

After a terrifying conversation with Alice’s dad on why he wasn’t sleeping with her and idea to make her want him, Quentin was in Alice’s bed trying to erase the dirtiest and most vivid image her dad at put in him. Jesus some of those stuff would even make Eliot blush. 

Alice burst into the room, totally raging and fuming. Of course Quentin was right in front of the door and it smash right into his nose. It took Alice half a second to understand what happened and showered him with apology. Quentin pretended not his nose hurting that much because he could clearly see she was already out of her mind. He’ll look later if it was broken. 

‘’Every second I spend in this place, it's just I just feel like I'm being pulled back into this version of me when I was twelve and furious and invisible and mute.Ugh, she just fucking does that to me.’’

AH! That was about his mother. The conversation seemed to have gone as well as his. Quentin put his hair behind his ear, not sure what to do or say.

 

‘’Well, I'm sure being cooped up in your old room helps.’’ He said, looking at her pacing the room.  
‘’It's like going back in time to 2004.’’

The room was, in fact, really 2004. The color of the walls, the pastel poster and even the jewelry on her desk seemed like coming from another decade. Which, in fact, was true. He took the CD near her old sound system. Oh lord, it even had a cassette reader on it. 

 

‘’The "Garden State" soundtrack’’.He teased 

‘’Hey, that was cool when it came out.’’ She tried to be mad but it came in a small shy laugh which made him smile. 

It seem that not probing to the what and how of her conversation seemed to calm her down. She sat on the bed next to him, taking deep breath while he look at her book collection. He smiled seeing the Wandering dune on it, a bookmarker near the end. It was nice to know that she’d read it. She wasn’t a fan like him, but at least when he talked about it, he knew now, that she wasn’t starting from scratch. 

"What’s that….The Joy of Sex?" He snorted and Alice tried to take it back but Quentin pulled it away from he laughing. 

‘’ My dad’s gift for my fifteenth birthday. ‘’ She said, blushing like he’d never saw her before, ‘’But my mom made him give me the version from the '70s because she thinks that kids should know what pubic hair looks like.’

‘’Jesus Christ.’’ He exclaim after turning a page of the book where he saw what she meant by it. 

Alice groan and he decided to stop torturing her. Thank god Margo and Eliot didn’t come. They would have looked at everything here and either died of laugther or need a long discussion with the blonde girl. Either way, it would have been embarrassing. But it was nice to think that, at least, she trusted him enough to see this broken part of her life. 

‘’I can't imagine what you must be thinking of me right now.’’ She said burying her head in a pillow.

 

‘’It's cool.’’ He said sitting next to her. The fact that you could want to have sex with anyone after living in this house is pretty impressive.

 

The both chuckled and Alice removed the pillow from her face, visibly still ashamed. He put a hand on her thigh and squeezed it, to reassure her. 

‘’Thanks’’ She said softly. 

‘’Did you know that your father tried to show me how to please you sexually.‘’ He said, unable not to tease her.   
‘  
’Oh my god. ‘’ 

\---------  
Quentin and Alice came back to the cottage seeing Margo and Eliot over a trash can and Margo starting a fire in it from the flicker of her hand. She smiled and giggled while Eliot shook his head trying not to smile.They wave him over and both Alice and Quentin had a bad feeling about it. 

As they should.

‘’What the fuck Margo are those my clothes?’’ Exclaim Quentin looking at all his clothes burning and becoming ashes. 

‘’Old clothes. Yes. I went shopping for you. You are welcome. ‘’ She said in a voice too happy for what was happening. 

Eliot drank his wine, hiding his laughter. Quentin looked at Alice who looked at him and both of them tried to find something to say but nothing came to mine. He felt his panic raise at a hard level and could actually see his hand shaking. 

‘’Whatever I’m gonna go take a shower. ‘’ He snapped, storming off. 

‘’Q…’’ Eliot said but it was too late, Quentin was already inside. 

The locked the door, not wanting any of them coming inside the bathroom. He opened the shower and sat on the toilet bowl. He just had a nightmare of a day having to stay strong and repress his own anxiety to help Alice found a solution to help Penny. The solution was awfully awkward. Penny was still trap because of him. And now this. Heartbroken or not, this was too much for him. Margo crossed the line. And Eliot…. he looked without doing anything. No not true, he did something. He laughed. 

He tried to calm down but only jump when someone -Eliot by the sound of the voice- tried to make him open the door. No. He was mad and probably having a panic attack. He entered the shower, put it to the warmest his body could endure and sat on the floor, head on his knee. 

Why was it always like that. Why, when everything seemed to go well, he only plunge deeper. The higher the mountain, the higher you fall to the ground. Honestly he didn’t care about his clothes. It was more than that. It was just….everything was just… 

He had to deal with the Beast, Penny, his school grade, Julia and now this. From all the people at Brakebill, Quentin thought Margo and Eliot where the only one that would never do such a random act on him. Of course they always push him do spontaneous things but this was…. it was playing with his things, his life, his…. 

The knock was louder and Eliot’s voice had a hint of fear in it, Quentin’s heart broke at the sound and with a few hand movement, he undid the locking spell. Eliot entered the room while Quentin got up and closed the shower. His hands were still shaking, but he didn’t felt like exploding. The crisis had been averted. For now. Repressing your feeling only bites you back ten time harder. 

‘’Jesus Christ. ‘’ Said Eliot, letting out a breath. 

Quentin didn’t had time to grab a towel before pulling him in his arm. 

‘’Don’t scare me like that. I thought you… you’d….’’ 

Quentin calmed him with a small kiss. He was still mad at him, but he wanted to reassure him that he was light years away of wanting to kill himself. And he was the reason why. 

‘’If you don’t want to get scared, don’t pull shit like that. ‘’ He said and went grabbing a towel to dry himself. ‘’Don’t say it’s only Margo, you were literally there doing nothing, you are as much to blame. ‘’

Eliot sigh and sat on the toilet while Quentin was getting ready. 

‘’You have no idea how weird a day I had. ‘’ Eliot said, fixing his clothes and trying to dry off the water Quentin put on it. 

‘’Can’t beat mine. ‘’ 

‘’Golem of Margo use as a sex toy?’’

‘’Alice’s dad carrying a naked men in chain while organizing a Roman orgy in the living room?‘’

‘’Yeah okay, you win. ‘’

\----------------------------  
‘’Don’t freak out. ‘’ Eliot said as Quentin was walking to his room, hoping there was still something

‘’Too late, what have you done. ‘’ 

Quentin opened his door to see...nothing. Exactly nothing. The room was empty but the bed and furniture but all his clothes and books were gone. Even his wall decoration? Thinking a thousand of bad thing, feeling his anxiety going off the roof, Quentin turn on his heels to yell at Margo when he bumped into Eliot that took him by the shoulder. 

‘’Calm down Q. ‘’ He said in a soothing voice.

It didn’t work, the panic was building. It was like emptying his room when he taught he was about to get his memory wiped. He had that same feeling of emptiness and fear that going back to the real world would be the death of him. And even now, simply a room without his thing made him feel like he was about to leave. Logically he knew that. His anxiety didn’t care.

‘’Breathe.’’ Eliot commanded. 

Rarely he’d heard his deep low voice from his boyfriend which snapped him back to the moment. Not sure how to do anything he matched Eliot’s breath, his eyes darting left and right, trying to find something that would prove him that this moment was real. Oh shit, was he back under another spell. Was everything he did today even real?

‘’Quentin!’’ Eliot snapped his finger and it made the panicked boy look at him

He had started again to breath rapidly and was clearly in one of the worst panic attack he had since he’d started his meds. Do you know how much it sucks to have know you have an anxiety attack and not being able to do anything about it? A lot. 

He felt Eliot sitting him down on the naked bed and pulling him into a hug. 

‘’It’s okay, let everything out. I’m here. ‘’ He said feeling the great distress of his boyfriend. ‘’Just try to breathe and calm down. ‘’ 

How long did it take for Quentin’s breath to become even and his head stop spinning? He didn’t know. He knew he’d stop fighting the void building in his chest and cried while Eliot was still rocking him, playing with his hair. He knew he heard footstep and Eliot saying they needed to be alone. But who came and why he didn’t care. He knew that it took him a long time to find the energy to pull back from Eliot’s embrace and look at him. 

‘’Sorry’’ He whisper not knowing why he said it but feeling he had to. 

He was ashamed that his boyfriend had to deal with that. He was already a lousy boyfriend and had several breakdown in his arm. Why did he love him anyway? Eliot chuckle and wipe his cheek. 

‘’Why are you apologizing, it’s alright. ‘’ He said, fixing Quentin’s hair that became a tangled mess. ‘’ I should be do one saying sorry, I didn’t expect you the react that way. ‘’ 

‘’You didn’t expect me to freak out when Margo apparently decided to burn everything I own? ‘’ He said incredulously. 

Eliot smile was thin but there. He lean hesitantly, asking permission to kiss him. Quentin granted it without issue. He tasted like wine and cigarette. It was suppose to be a disgusting mix but it made his heart leaped every time. Because it was Eliot’s taste and it was his everything. 

‘’She didn’t. Well some of your clothes maybe, but come I’ll show you what she did this afternoon. ‘’ 

So apparently finding you had a golem of yourself was not enough to be distracted. Where was that double anyway? You know what… he fucking didn’t care right now. He just needed to concentrate on not starting a new anxiety attack, The rest could be dealt later. He put all his attention on Eliot warm hand on his as he pulled him out of the empty room toward his own room. 

And there it was.Joined in a bizarre collage that quite didn’t fit but was still perfect, all his furniture, books and new set of clothes were mixed with Eliot’s. They had move him in here, with his boyfriend. That was the biggest Margo Approved stamp he could ever get. What made him tear up -of happiness this time- was too see that they’d even put his Fillory poster and figurine around the room. Knowing them, they could have hidden all the stuff they teased him about. But no. It was like embracing who he really was, Fillory included 

‘’We wanted it to be a happy thing.’’ Said Eliot behind him, kissing softly his neck. ‘’ Sorry. ‘’ 

‘’This is…. wow. ‘’ He said in a whisper. 

He turned over to see Eliot and kissed him with love and passion this time. The older boy seemed surprised at first but quickly answered back. 

‘’I love you. ‘’ He said on Eliot’s lips and his boyfriend answer by kissing him harder again.

They ended up on the bed, fully clothed lying over the sheets, tangled in each other. Quentin found his new favorite thing to do after an anxiety attack, and it was to be in Eliot’s arm while his lips were kissing every inch of panic away. 

‘’ I just don’t do well with surprise like that, and big changes. ‘’ He said after a moment, feeling stupid for his reaction earlier. Why did he always go back to the worst scenario possible. 

‘’I didn’t know’’ Eliot said. ‘’I should’ve though. When we met you nearly had an attack when I brought you to the test. Honestly those scared eyes made you so hot. ‘’ 

‘’Shut up. ‘’ 

They laughed, they kiss, they didn’t care of the rest. Later on, Eliot went downstairs to talk with Margo and Alice and potentially bring back food. Quentin never noticed if he did. He was emotionally exhausted and needed to sleep. Which he did.


	18. We have to do WHAT to bring Penny back?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice and Quentin explain what Joe the travel told them to do in order to bring Penny back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: this chapter was completely written by Granjolrass my King of Smutt. I love you and thank you for your words.

Quentin had encountered some awkward situations in his life, but this one was on a whole new level. He and Eliot were sitting on Eliot’s bed, which wouldn’t have been weird if Margo and Alice hadn’t also been there. 

“Sex Magic?” Eliot asked, and Quentin could tell he was trying not to look amused. 

“It’s our best chance of getting Penny back safely.” Alice said, playing with the hem of her dress and not meeting his gaze. Margo quirked a brow.

“Okay, hang on. So you’re telling me you invited us all in here for a magical foursome?” Margo snorted, flipping her hair over her shoulder. 

Quentin felt like his face must have been the color of a ripe tomato. Alice cleared her throat. “Like I said, Joe said it was our best bet.”

“Joe, the traveler.” Eliot confirmed. “God, if we survive any of this, remind me to turn that into a sitcom.” He mused, leaning back on the bed. Margo smirked. 

“So?” Margo asked, looking at Alice expectantly. “What do we have to do, besides the obvious?”

“Well…” Alice began, clearing her throat. “Joe said the more people…involved, the better. More, um” She hesitated. “pleasure, makes the beacon stronger. There’s a greater chance Penny will see it if we’re all…enjoying ourselves.”

She stared at a thread on the hem of her dress, picking at it like she would do anything not to see their faces right now. “I’m sorry. “ She said, finally, looking up and biting her lip. 

“This is too weird, maybe there’s another way…” Her words faded off. Her voice gave away that she didn’t think they had any other options. Margo scoffed.

“Honey, not any weirder than turning into geese and flying to the South Pole.” 

Quentin took in a breath. He could feel the tightness of anxiety starting to form in his chest. As if he could sense it, he suddenly felt Eliot’s arm around his waist, reassuring him. He closed his eyes and took a moment to ground himself. 

“Alcohol” He said suddenly, turning to Eliot who nodded in agreement.

“I think I can make that happen.” Eliot slipped his flask out of his vest and tossed it to Quentin. He took a long sip before handing it to Alice who drank for so long Quentin was sure she would drown. Once the flask had made its rounds, Margo quirked a brow.

“So? Any other important details we should be aware of?” 

Alice cleared her throat, grabbing the flask from Quentin and taking another long swig. 

“Well…” She began, clearly uncomfortable. “In order for the spell to work-“ 

She cut herself off. Quentin could tell she was struggling to find the right words. 

“The most important thing is that…well…that there’s, you know?” She made an “OK” symbol with her hand and stuck the finger of her other hand through it slowly.

“Penetration?” Eliot, provided. Quentin could tell he was trying not to laugh.

“Well, yeah…” She said, now the same shade of red as Quentin. “But more specifically it has to be penis in vagina penetration.” She stared at the hem of her dress the entire time. “And we all have to come at the same time…” Eliot gave an exasperated sigh.

“Really? Even sex magic has to be laden with heteronormativity. The straights ruin everything.” He sighed, resting his hands on his knees. “Well, if we’re going to do this, we better do it right. If pleasure if our goal, then we need to know what we all like so we can figure out the best position for everyone.” Eliot said it matter-of-factly like he was planning a sports play. Alice nearly choked on the flask. 

After a few awkward moments of divulging their kinks to one another and Margo teasing Quentin for wanting to watch her and Alice make out, everyone was stripping down to their underwear. As Eliot was casting the protection spells, it occurred to Quentin briefly that he had already slept with all three of them. And it would be the first time he could touch Alice since Brakebills south. He wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse. But soon enough Eliot was kissing him and it didn’t matter.

It was awkward for a moment, but Quentin reminded himself that it was just Eliot. He ran a hand over his chest, tracing over a nipple lightly, something he had just learned Eliot liked. He was rewarded with a moan of approval. Then suddenly Eliot broke the kiss and he and Margo were kissing. Quentin continued exploring Eliot’s body and Alice joined in, Kissing Quentin’s neck from behind. He turned to her and they locked lips and suddenly things felt effortless. He kissed Alice with desire, parting his lips and trailing his hands down her body. He was vaguely aware of Eliot biting down Margo’s neck and shoulder as her played with Alice’s nipples over the lace of her bra. She gasped into their kiss, arching into him. 

And then Margo was behind Alice, kissing her neck as Quentin tweaked the blonde’s nipples. Margo unhooked Alice’s bra and Quentin helped her take it off, tossing it to the floor. Quentin felt hands that were unmistakable Eliot’s wrap around him from behind, exploring his upper body. He leaned in to kiss Alice’s breasts and he could hear the moans muffled under Margo’s lips. He broke away from Alice as Margo gave him a devilish look. She kept eye contact as she pressed herself up against Alice, their nipples brushing together as they kissed. Quentin watched with shaky breaths as Margo ran her fingers through Alice’s hair. Alice’s moans went straight to Quentin’s cock. He felt Eliot’s hand wrap around him, sliding down to rub him over her boxers. He arched into him, helping him slide his boxers down. And suddenly from behind, he felt a slick finger at his entrance. He gasped as Eliot slid a finger inside of him. 

He moved himself up and down, fucking himself with Eliot’s finger as he watched the girls strip off the few garments they had left and resume kissing and touching. And then he couldn’t just watch anymore. 

As Eliot slid in a second finger, Quentin reached his hand between Alice’s Legs. She broke the kiss with Margo to moan loudly as Quentin slid a finger inside her slick opening. He matched the pace he’d set with Eliot, curling his fingers up inside her. She gasped and Quentin noticed for the first time that her hand was between Margo’s legs. He nearly came right there. 

“Fuck-“ Quentin gasped, retracting his hand. “Fuck, Alice-“ She seemed to understand, because she gently guided Margo back and then got on all fours, leaving herself open for Quentin. He groaned, rising up on his knees and taking her from behind in a desperate thrust. Quentin understood why Eliot had suggested this now. From where he was, he had the perfect view of Margo. He watched her breasts bounce as she fucked herself on Alice’s fingers, throwing her head back and moaning. He could feel Eliot’s hand’s on his hips behind him and he gasped as Eliot retracted his fingers and positioned himself at Quentin’s entrance. He gave a load groan as Eliot slid in and he braced himself on Alice’s hips. Soon they established a rhythm. It didn’t take long before they were all coming, and then the most awkward thing of all happened. Penny appeared.

“What the Fuck!?” Penny said with wide eyes.

He looked equal parts confused and turned on, though Quentin doubted he would ever admit that. They fell apart and Alice ran towards him, grabbed his hand and dragged him away from the room. 

The other three fell in a heap on the bed, a tangle of limbs and sweat. They stayed that way for a moment, basking in the afterglow of orgasm. Margo was the first to speak.

“You’re welcome.” She said to no one in particular. 

“For what?” Quentin said, although he knew better than to oblige her.

“For giving you at least a months worth of masturbation material.” There was a pause and then they all laughed. 

Penny was back, Quentin just had a foursome, Eliot and Margo were tangled around him, maybe everything wasn’t complete shit.


	19. Enjoying the world we are in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Julia's birthday and Q decided to go see her with Eliot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last calm before the storm. He he

Penny’s reappearance seemed to have lifted everyone’s mood, even Margo. Which surprised a bit Quentin but, thinking of it, maybe she just needed some good news. The foursome they’d had seem to have satiated her hunger for sex because she didn’t reappear in his bed or dragged him in a bathroom for anything. To be honest, he was happy about it. He wanted to be a friend to her, not only a sex toy. 

Between classes, they tried to find a solution to the Beast problem and the Netherland’s. None of which came to a good solution. Doing the probability spell in order to see if their plan could work started as a good idea. But seeing Eliot died and being tortured in front of his eyes over and over only gave him a deep feeling of despair and a he had to held Eliot’s hand the whole time they were back to be sure that he was still alive and real. 

Penny had a headache and sharply left saying he needed some air and, in a glance, they all knew something was wrong. Alice went after him. Margo sigh and started to clean the space as Eliot called for their signature glowing green drink. Quentin felt nauseous, his head kept playing everyone dying, getting ripped apart before its eyes only because The beast had something against him. He felt worst not knowing what and why. 

‘’Q you are shaking’’ Said Eliot noticing his hand as he put a glass in them. ‘’Are you alright.’’ 

Margo sat next to them, took her drink and pressed herself against him and drank. Eliot looked at him worried so Quentin had to nod and drink, trying to smile a bit.

‘’I know it’s not real, but seeing you all die over and over, it’s…. not the best for your nerve. ‘’ He said and Eliot swear. 

‘’Told you he shouldn’t have joined. ‘’ Eliot said to Margo, putting a hand on Quentin’s lap. 

‘’And patronising him? Come on El, you made me promise not to be like that with him after learning he was sick. Now you are the one trying to protect him. ‘’

‘’ There are thing we can actually control not to force him in another panic attack. That is one of them. I mean jesus he just stop asking me in the moring if I was real. Do we have to put him through this. ‘’ 

‘’If he can’t handle it, he will tell us. He’s a grown man El. ‘’ 

Quentin wanted to tell them he was alright there and they could bicker all they want, he’d do it again in an instant if this mean getting rid of any danger around them., He wanted to tell them to stop and he would be fine after a nap. But Eliot’s hand was dancing on his leg and moving dangerously close of his groins and he was getting hard. So her drank, close his eyes, let his boyfriend touch calm him down with his hand while arguing with Margo. 

\--------

Julia called him a few days after, asking him to be at her birthday party. She agreed that Eliot could come if he didn’t made any comment about her Hedge Witch friends. Eliot had rolled his eyes and agree. She seemed happy to know they will come. He was happy they were both making efforts to stay friends despite their different path in magic. 

So that night, he ended up trying one of the new button down shirt Margo had bought for him. It was simple, black and well adjust.He had to give her that, she had good taste. It did fit her well. Eliot forced him into a pair of expensive black jeans and he saw his boyfriend face brighten. He sighed, not liking how fit they were to his body, but if it made him happy he would endure it. 

When Margo saw him she squeal so loud half the cottage turn to look at her, then at Quentin. Which made him blush. Possessively, Eliot put an arm around him and did some snappy comment he didn’t heard because he was admitting to himself that this little grip made him happy. He was not ashamed of being with him and it was still hard to believe for him.

‘’Alice asked if you can go by the drug store and grab Penny’s prescription. It’s for his headache. ‘’ Said Margo, throwing an empty bottle at him. 

Being himself, he didn’t caught it and it fell on the floor. 

‘’Hum, Margo honey, Aderall is for attention deficit, not headache. ‘’ said Eliot picking it up. 

‘’Bit me. ‘’ she said ‘’I know that. He’s getting high on them and it stop his headache. I’m not the one bagining him so ask Alice.’’ 

‘’You sound bitter. Do you want to sleep with him? ‘’

‘’Like I said, Bite me. ‘’ 

Margo was getting slowly better, Quentin thought. At least, her sass was back and it wasn’t has hurtful as before. 

So they made a small detour to a drug store to refill Penny’s prescription. Quentin didn’t need to do it anymore, Alice’s enchantment was still working and his bottle was always full. 

\---  
"Thank you for coming with me " said Quentin, putting his hand in his spring jacket. "I know you make effort and I really appreciate it"  
"My pleasure. I like Julia. She has her moments"  
"Since when do you not call her a hedge bitch " said Quentin, surprised.

There was a small silence in which He wonder if the pink on Eliot's cheek were due to the wind or to something else. 

"When you got stabbed by Mike. " he said grabbing his cigarette and lighting one. Without asking he gave it to Quentin and lit one for himself. 

She'll be mad to smell cigarette on him but oh well. It was something stupidly soothing for his stress and every time  
He inhale he felt his heart rate slow down; he didn't like to be remember that in the course of a few months he almost died three times. 

"I had to get out of the school I was so fucking worried. My appartient was rented so I decided to go in the first bar I see ans get hammer. Which I did quite nicely thank you " 

Quentin took his free hand and took Eliot's. Better have a freezing hand but comfort his boyfriend.

" She was there, getting drunk too and I remembered your interaction with her you know. So I told her i wanted to talk. She told me to fuck off "

Quentin snorted. Of course she would. 

"But then I said your name. Next thing I knew she was giving me coffee in her flat and made her told everything . This girl has skills. I mean she even made me admit I was in love with you and by that time even Margo didn't those words from my mouth. "

He smiled, almost fondly. Was it because he was thinking of Margo or because, like him, every time he said I love you, his heart skipped a beat.

"So yeah, I brought her to Brakebills. Everyone yelled at me but I didn't care l. I knew you needed her there. She slept in her room during a week and mostly hid there with Alice or was by your side. Margo wanted to kill her for what she'd done to you before but I told her she'll need your permission to do that l. "

He never knew that. Alice and Julia talking together must be something amazing to see. They were the two more brillant girl he'd ever met. God if they were a team and turn evil they could go full on Voldemort on people. 

"I think she cried more than me when you woke up. "

Quentin threw his finished cigarette away and looked at Eliot who was lost in his thought. It might explain why he hadn't mind the diner they had with her and Richard during the school break. Or why he wasn't as snarky about hedge witches. 

"I didn't knew any of that. Why didn't you tell me." He asked. 

"Never found the right moment. Maybe. Or I didn't want you to know how scared I got. "  
They were in front of Julia's door and Quentin stopped Eliot from knocking. He leaned and kiss him a long time, try to put how much he love him whatever he is or fear. 

Breathless, they ended the kiss 

\----------///

" Holy shit! Kady? " Exclaimed Quentin as he arrived in the kitchen where he saw the most weird thing he could ever see; Kady and Richard making a salade while laughing.

What the actual fuck.

"Wha- " Eliot said arriving in next to him.

Then it got awkward. 

"I gather you know each other" said Julia looking mad at Kady.

" you didn't told me you'd invite them " 

"I did, twice. "

"Alright, alright " said Richard " happy moment, No drama. Let's all grab wine and go in the living room "

"I like your man Julia" Eliot said sliding in the kitchen to help him fill wine glass. 

Kady rolled her eyes and walk toward Julia and Quentin 

"Look, im here for Jules" Quentin says before she starts with her snappy comment " but we will talk before I go back to school " 

"Alright " Said Kady after looking at Quentin. "I'll go help Silver with the music "

On that she left and Quentin was speechless at the quick submission of Kady. This was not normal. There was something in her eyes that looked too much like guilt for his taste. 

Julia looked at him part amazed, pet confuse. 

"Who are you and where is my socially awkward friend " she said in a laugh 

"Oh he still is " Eliot said arriving with wine for both of them "Yesterday he walked into a window not knowing t was there and nose bled for ten minutes. It was glorious " 

Seeing her best friend laughed at his boyfriend jokes made all the anger, confusion and stress disappear. It was replaced by a feeling he'd learn to know more ans more. Happiness.

\-----  
Diner was excellent, Julia's hedge witch friend were amazingly sweet and they even managed not to make things awkward about the major separations between them. 

Julia was glowing like never before. Quentin did know if it was because she finally found a group to help her in her relationship with magic or it was because of Richard. Either way, she never had a brighter smile before, even with James.

"Can I talk to you a minute ?" He said as they were cleaning the table. 

Leaving everyone alone debating on the best karaoke bar in Brooklyn, Julia led him to her bedroom and close the door. 

She look at him, he looked at her. They grinned ans started to laugh before hugging each other. Is there something else you can do when you just want to tell your friend everything's words can convey. 

"I have a gif for you " he said after their long and needed hug

"You didn't have to." She said sitting on the bed

" I know, but we had a crappy year, so I want to show I extra love you today okay? "  
She laughed and took the wrapped package he'd just pulled out from his bag. He put his hands in hers. 

" now you have to promise me you'll never show anyone. Not even Richard"

She looked st him surprise 

"Q I..."

He knew she didn't like the idea and he tucked his hair behind his ear 

"I could get in serious trouble if someone knew I gave you this. Please."

"Alright , I'll see." She sais as he release her hand so she could unwrap the paper" come on what could possibly even - HOLY SHIT "

The face Julia was making was worth every internal dilemma he had about doing this. In her trembling hand was his book on Basic magic and their practical use. It was magic 101 and was taking dust in a carton in Eliot's closet anyway. 

" it's mine. I don't need it anymore so I'd figure I could give it to you "

"Are you kidding? Shit Q..." she said opening the book and reading avidly 

"You might know some of those. I mean Marina might be an evil bitch but if she manage to mind fuck me it means she knew stuffs. But I'm sure there are thing in there you can't have access without Brakebills knowledge "

"Oh my god." She repeated, looking at the index " I know only a third of this "

This broke Quentin's heart. What he'd learn in a month there was still hard and painfully earn by her. Yes, she must know stuff he doesn't and will never learn, but this was the base. No wonder hedge witches get themselves kill. 

"Look, I know you want your friend to have that but you can't. They can't know where this came from ans Richard would know. So please. " 

"I won't. Wow Q do you know what this means to me "

At this exact moment, Quentin understood what this simple selfless gesture was for her. It wasnt just shared knowledge. It was acknowledgement of his privilege and accepting her way of life. It was the polar opposite of what they were at the beginning of all this 

"Starting to understand yes" he said 

Julia hugged him, tears in her eyes. He hugged her back with all the strength he could 

"If you need help I'll come this summer and answer your questions" he said in her hair. 

She started to cry. He cried to. Fuck he loved Julia and missed her.


	20. Ten time worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bottling up emotion is never good for a group of damaged people.

Life was weird enough that two days after, Quentin was back at Julia’s place with all his friends, except Penny who was gone seeing his mentor since his headache had not stop one bit. But thinking of it, maybe it was better that way. The traveler was on the edge of becoming insane and if he knew where Kady was… 

‘’Bottling up our emotion?’’ Questioned Alice, eyebrow raised. ‘’When you get them back don’t they get time times worst?’’ 

Kady was coming back from the living room with a binder in her hand. Quentin hated this. Being in his best friend’s house and asking another person for help. This thing was everything Julia and her friends knew, it felt so intrusive to look without her there. 

‘’Yes, but you seem out of resources so it’s that or nothing. ‘’ She said giving her a sharp look. 

Alice pinched her lips together, Margo and Eliot were sitting on the couch, visibly wanting to say something but visibly trying to behave. By the way his boyfriend was looking at her, they might had a talk about it. He should thank him later, it was already an unpleasant visit, if they’d add some of Margo’s bite, they would have a live show of Kady’s battle magic ability. 

‘’Thank you. ‘’ Said Quentin after a moment of silence while Kady was writing the spell on a new piece of paper. 

‘’Just make sure it is less than 3 hours. Otherwise it might do damage. ‘’ She reply.

‘’Like we aren’t already emotionally damage. ‘’ Mumbled Margo. 

Quentin sighed, this would be a long visit.

It took Kady half an hour to write everything and explain the basic to Alice. Meanwhile, Quentin had try to keep Margo out of Julia’s closet and told Eliot not to touch anything on the wall. Julia and her friends were clearly near a ritual of some kind and it was clear, those papers were the preparation. He started reading them and it felt incomplete and unsafe magic. But Richard was from Brakebills, so he trusted him to keep everyone safe. 

Once everything finish, they decided to go to a bar and drink away their worry before going back to school.As they were leaving, Quentin stopped in front of Kady, waiving everyone to continue walking. They always went to the same bar anyway. 

‘’Is that the moment where you yell at me for leaving without a word? ‘’ Said Kady rolling her eyes and crossing her arms. 

‘’Honestly I wanted to but no. ‘’ Said Quentin, tucking his hair behind his ear. ‘’ I mean we weren’t friend so why would you even think of us now. But I know you’ve been dying to ask me how Penny is and the fact that you don’t means you already know you fucked up. ‘’ 

He looked at the face of this strong woman, crumple into guilt and sadness. Seeing her that vulnerable surprised him a little, but he had rehearsed with Eliot what he wanted to say to Kady and he needed to continue, whatever emotion she was showing. 

‘’And he’s good., by the way. ‘’ He said, seeing she wasn’t about to talk. ‘’ The guy was heartbroken you know? And I am starting to know him, he doesn’t let his shield down. He try not to care, to show he is beyond everyone else. ‘’ 

God if Penny would hear him talk he would punch him so hard there would be a hole in the wall. But he didn’t care. Like it or not, since those long silent hours in Brakebills south, Penny had become his friend. 

‘’But I think you know he cares, a lot. I think he cares the most out of all of us. And you leaving like that broke him. You have no- ‘’ 

His eyes were watering and his voice broke and why every time he was getting upset he wanted to cry. 

‘’ You have no idea of how hard Brakebills south had been. But when we came back, you didn’t try to reach him. Not once. Even when you’ve been with Julia. She must have talked of me. Why didn’t you tried to contact us. Contact him. Just to say you are safe. I- ‘’ 

He sigh. All of this speech was done in a low but firm voice. He felt useless and a bit mad. But really he felt her pain as well. There were tears on her cheek and he hated himself to be the reason why it happen. But there are truth you need to know, even if hearing them is hard. 

‘’He’s moving on you know, he’s getting better with his traveling. Even went to another world. ‘’ He smiled fondly. ‘’ And I am sure it would have meant a lot for him to share that with you. ‘’ 

\---------  
They came back in the middle of the night, totally hammered. Even Alice. The party at the Physical cottage was long finished, but a couple of student were still awake, finishing their drink and smoking. That’s when they learned the rumor of Penny doing an overdose. Alice went white in a second and ran to the infirmary, despite her drunkenness. 

‘’Jesus. ‘’ Said Margo looking at the door where Alice had left open ‘’And they she tell me she doesn’t feel for the guy. ‘’ 

Eliot and her laughed, Quentin was too drunk to understand the real meaning, Margo got naked and when into their room. Eliot winked at Quentin. At least the night will end in a good note. 

Apparently they sent Alice back to her room since Penny was in a stable state and sleeping. Professor Sunderland promised the blond girl that she found a solution for the traveler and it’s only when she showed him that they young girl agree to catch a few hours of needed sleep. In the morning though, she hugged her coffee mug like it was the most precious thing in the world. 

It took them an hour to do the preparation and half an hour to do the incantations and spells. By the end of it, Penny had arrived and shut them up rather quickly about what happen to him. They all did as Alice instructed and a red glowing bottle was now in their hand, all emotions out of their way. 

Quentin had never felt so light in his life. He never understood how much pressure was on his shoulder and on his chest than right now. Stripped of all emotion, he felt empty but happy. Like at the hospital when they drug him enough. It was a pleasant state to be honest, quite refreshing., 

Within half an hour, they were able to do three kind of attack spell and two defensive one. Never Quentin felt a better magicians. He understood now when people told him he was getting in his own head and sabotaging himself as a magicians. By too much thinking, he was channeling the energy in the wrong place, that diminished the power of any spell he could do. 

As Quentin was looking at Penny’s finger movement in order to understand the cutting spell, Eliot put a hand on his shoulder. If he had an emotion, he would feel sad not to have his heart leap while looking at him. But then again if he had his emotion, his heart would leap. 

‘’You know, you will totally have a melt down getting your emotion back’’ Eliot said ‘’I should leave early with Margo, take back mine so I can take care of you. ‘’

‘’I would appreciate that, thank you. ‘’ Said Quentin, thinking it over. 

‘’My pleasure, I am simply tired of seeing you wanting to die. ‘’ 

‘’Understandable. ‘’ 

Eliot left with Margo. Penny, Alice and Quentin managed to create a fireball strong enough to catch a three on fire. It took them ten minute to stop it from spreading. They heard cries and glass shattering in the cottage. Visibly, Margo had her emotion back. 

‘’This girl is terrifying. ‘’ Noted Alice as she looked at the cottage. 

‘’ She could be a super villain if no one look after her. ‘’ Quentin agreed. 

By Alice watch, it was time to get home. Penny wanted to go alone but they both reminded him that it was dangerous to get back your emotion without anyone around. If something really bad happened, they wouldn’t be able to help him.

They went inside, Margo was curled up in a blanket, visibly crying while drinking whisky. Eliot’s hand were shaking and by the red of his eye, getting back his emotion hadn’t been the easiest of thing. 

‘’You’ll be okay Bambi?’’ Eliot asked Margo, stroking her hair. 

She nodded.

‘’Just leave the bottle near.’’ 

Eliot put the whisky next to her, gave a small smile to Alice and Penny who were getting ready to drink back the red liquid, and took Quentin’s hand.   
‘’We better do this alone. ‘’

Not knowing what to expect, he trusted Eliot’s judgment and followed him. But instead of going in their bedroom, he led him to the bathroom, where his boyfriend started the shower. 

‘’That bad?’’ Quentin ask, looking at the bottle in his hand. 

‘’Yeah.’’ Eliot said, not looking at him. 

Quentin took a deep breath and drank up the red liquid. It tasted like the cherry cold syrup he use to take when he was a kid. That thing tasted like hell. Within seconds, he felt everything coming back to him; all the hurt, the worry and the overall feeling of failure hit him like a punch in the face.

He looked wide eyed at Eliot who was looking back apprehensively. A second later, he was kneeling on the floor, vomiting his anxiety and crying for everything and nothing. Unable to stop shaking and to just be consumed by emotion. This was worse than any panic attack or mental breakdown he’d ever had. Even worse than the time he tried to killed himself. 

He tried to talk but couldn’t, unable to stop breathing fast while sobbing. 

‘’Shhhh.’’ Said Eliot, sitting next to him, a hand playing in his hair. ‘’Don’t talk, just let it happen. I’m here. ‘’ 

And he was. He ended up taking a bath, curled up in Eliot’s arm and tell him every things he believe was his fault. It went from Julia’s rejection to Brakebills to settling down Eliot so he wasn’t free anymore. The older boy didn’t try to reason with him. They both knew, when he was like that, nothing could pull him out of his head. Instead, he washed Quentin’s head, kissed him when he was asked and held him until they both fell asleep. 

\-------------------------------

Apparently they missed the drama of the year. The morning after, a pretty hungover Margo was telling them while Eliot was making eggs and bacon for everyone. Quentin’s coffee never tasted so good. 

‘’He said what?’’ Said Quentin, rather surprise. 

‘’ I know right! I mean, it was obvious Alice was falling for him. But the fact that he said the L word was mind blowing. I almost drop my glass. ‘’ Said Margo, visibly happy to talk about some juicy gossip and not about herself. ‘’And he was all talking about Kady and how he still think of her but she’s a bitch and bla bla bla. They both totally forgot about me and decided to make out right there. Penny seems a good kisser ‘’

Both Quentin and Eliot snorted. 

‘’I had to remind them I was there before they fucked in front of me. Not that I mind, but I know emotionally sober Penny would have killed me. I think he’s still in her room right now. ‘’   
‘’I’m sad we will miss the awkwardness of the morning after. ‘’ Said Eliot in a fake whining voice. ‘’It’s the best part’’

‘’Do you think they will decide to be together after that? ‘’ asked Quentin ‘’They are the perfect exemple of people running away from their emotions. They totally can blame the bottle and clam up. ‘’ 

Margo consider this a moment, drinking her coffee and looking at Eliot who was also trying to decide what their friend would do. For Quentin, it was a goddam mystery. The only reason his love life wasn’t a mess, it’s because Eliot had the patience of a saint. 

‘’I genuinely have no idea. ‘’ Said Margo who seemed the first to be surprised by it.

While they were all eating their breakfast, Margo was proven right when Alice and Penny came down the stairs and went to make coffee. None of them commented his presence in the cottage or Alice pink cheek. Which was really sensible of his friend but then, I am sure they already had a bet on the outcome of this. 

‘’I say we take a day off practice today, I don’t think I’m fully recovered. ‘’ Alice said while sitting at the table, not looking at anyone in particularly. 

Everyone agreed rather quickly, even if Quentin was eaten by worry over the Beast. He was coming within days. A break shouldn’t be a good option. But it was. Seeing everyone’s face, it truly was. 

Penny left soon after, kissing Alice forehead and not saying a word. Alice went into her room, red and awaken. Margo begged Eliot to go in a shopping spree with her and Quentin told him to go. He sent the whole night taking care of him and needed alone time with his best friend. 

‘’ I’m going to nap anyway. If there’s anything Alice is there. ‘’ He reassured him. 

They kissed a long time, Quentin sighing into his lips, happy to feel his heart leap again.


	21. One punch man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime a good punch is the best method

They had all agreed to do more training before going to Fillory. The clock was ticking and if everything was coming true, they had days before leaving otherwise they would die. Quentin was terrified of it. After seeing them die nine times in the probability spell, he couldn’t get out of his head Eliot in a pool of blood, Penny hanging from a ceiling, Alice crushed by her own magic, Margo downing in the blood she was coughing. 

Fuck he will never let this happen to anyone. 

Alice and Penny didn’t want to bottle up their emotion, since the last time they end up talking about things they would both had rather clam up. But it was the kind of word you can’t put back and say it never happen. It marks you. They had to live with the consequence. Quentin was not sure if they were a thing or not now, but he was happy that it made them talk. They both suck at communicating their emotion, that he knew. 

By the end of their second night, Alice and Penny had done progress but not enough to say it was battle ready. That had to do though. At least, Margo, Eliot and him would be there for them if things get ugly. And if everything goes according to plan, none of them will have to use it. 

Alice had suggested Eliot to take care of Quentin while he was unbottling with Margo, which was a good idea since she was sober and knew enough about him to help him out. It took a bit of convincing but it’s finally Margo who convinced him by saying she only trusted him with her come back. They went into Margo’s room, Quentin when into his. It was weird to see Penny and Alice there; they rarely spent time only the three of them since Brakebills south. They always managed to be surrounded or not in the same room. Once again, there are things that can’t be undone and do marks. Being a fox and doing a threesome was one. A fucking weird one. 

\-------------------------------------------------------

When Eliot arrived from Margo’s room, after putting her to bed as she cried in his arm and he felt helpless for the past hour. He was exhausted, felt like forgetting himself in alcohol and drug and felt like every inch of his body was aching. He didn’t had the energy to go down and make drinks and figured the bottle of whisky in his drawer would do. It was for emergency like those. 

What he didn’t expect to see, was Penny placing ice on Quentin’s face while Alice was pacing the room, visibly upset and overwhelmed. 

‘’What the fu-’’ He said, not understanding a thing of what was happening in that room but noticing with clarity that Quentin was sleeping. 

‘’He freaked out. ‘’ Penny said, frowning at Quentin. ‘’But like legit freaked out’’ 

‘’He started rambling about the fact that the beast was not after us but after him and if he was gone we would be safe. Which is stupid because clearly the Beast want to rule over anything magical so it doesn’t make any sense. ‘’ Alice said.

Eliot head was throbbing, he went into his drawer, took a long swig of the whisky bottle he’d hidden there and after a moment of deliberation gave it to Penny who gladly took some. Alice voice was higher than usual and she was shaking.   
‘’We try to calm him down but all he was saying that he neede to die to save us. I know…’’ She continue, looking at Eliot who held his breath for a moment. ‘’ Scared the shit out of us too. He didn’t had suicidal thought since Brakebill south and the circumstance were different. I think it’s because of the emotion bottled up, it just made everything he felt worse and ….’’ 

‘’Alice ‘’ Cut gently Penny. He gave her the bottle so she could calm down. 

Eliot had to admit, she seemed to be able to drink a lot in one shot. It was a bit impressive for a bookworm like her. 

‘’Anyway he tried to go past us and go in the kitchen. Last time he had a knife you know. ‘’ 

Eliot took the bottle and drank, feeling his chest burning from something else than fear and pain. The numbness was starting and it’s all he needed right now. He knew Quentin had tried to kill himself back there. He knew Penny caught him thinking about it and that’s what saved his life in the end. But the fact that he was going for a knife again meant that this was a well thought and known idea for him to die with a blade in his vein. 

Half the bottle was gone before he gave it back to Penny

‘’ So I panicked’’ Penny admitted, and I punched him in the face. He blacked out‘’

Alice looked at Eliot in worry, like he was a ticking bomb. He was probably one. But the numbness was coming, so he would explode later. Or never. He didn’t need a spell to keep his emotion inside 

‘’Well…’’ the older boy said after a moment ‘’That’s a original solution to stop him from suicide. But it work so I think I have to thank you. ‘’

‘’Don’t.’’ Penny said, visibly angry at Quentin. ‘’When he wakes up I’m gonna punch him again.’’ 

Eliot was too. But that was for a later discussion. 

\---------------------------------   
Quentin woke up with a massive headache. His face felt swollen, he couldn’t breath from one nose and was still in his clothes from yesterday. He wish he didn’t remembered what happened last night. But he did. And fuck he was not emotionally ready to deal with the consequences. 

Eliot was curled up next to him, taking all the covers but still managing to make it impossible for him to move without waking him up. The bag under his eyes made Quentin wonder if his boyfriend had insomnia again. If so it wasn’t good. Trying not to get his anxiety get the best of him at such an early start, he tried to slide away from the bed as smooth as possible but without success. Eliot eyes were opening slowly. 

‘’Going in the shower, I’ll be back. ‘’ He reassured. 

Eliot mumbled something and turned his back. Happy to have a moment for himself, Quentin went into the shower and try to prepare himself for what will happen when he leave this room. Eliot would be mad at him, so would Alice and Penny. But how could the understand that, at the time, this solution made perfect sense.He couldn’t understand why the Beast had something against him, but being removed from the equation seemed a good solution. It would be. On the short term. And would do more damage than good. 

He hated his brain. Why couldn’t he just need to throw a lamp on the wall like Margo. Or cry like Alice. His brain broke again. Despite everything. Never would he bottle his emotion again. The risk were too high for him. They should’ve thought about it. 

A knock on the door put him out of his head and he open to see Todd asking of he was finish. Sighing, he let the other boy take place into the room; he couldn’t hide anymore and had to see Eliot. Why was he nervous? His palm were sweating, his heart was beating like a drum and his mouth felt dry. Fuck it was just Eliot he wasn’t going to meet the Pope. 

‘’Good morning’’ Said Eliot the moment he entered the room. 

The dark haired boy was still in bed, hair disheveled, reading a book on battle magic. This un edited look of him was one of Quentin’s favorite. 

‘’Hey. ‘’ He said, pulling away his towel and going back in the bed.

He pushed his hair on one side so it wouldn’t drip on Eliot as he put his head on his shoulder. The older boy closed his book and took Quentin’s face. His thumb brushed against his cheek and he hiss in pain, pulling away from the touch. 

‘’You’re gonna have a black eye for a day or two. ‘’ He said kissing the sensitive part. It made his skin tingle

‘’Not the first black eye he gives me’’ Quentin said trying to joke about it but feeling like shit anyway. 

‘’It’s the first you deserve.’’

‘’El…’’

Eliot sigh and turn, forcing Quentin to pull away. In one swift and dizzying move, he ended up on his pillow and his boyfriend hovering over him. 

‘’Don’t scare me like that ever again. ‘’ He said with a small voice that broke in the end. 

Quentin pushed his head up and kissed Eliot for a long time. 

‘’Fuck this magic, I’ll stay pathetic in battle and run. ‘’ He said on his lips. 

Eliot chuckled and threw his boxers away. 

\-------  
Twelve hours later, Quentin was on his back in the living room, totally breathless and out of the netherlands. His friends were attacked and there was no way for him to go help them 

‘’Fuck’’ he gasp, wondering when his life will catch a break


	22. 40th times a charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quentin need to go back to Fillory, but for that he need Julia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: this deal with the after of the rape scene, if you are sensitive to the subject, you can skip the chapter I made it happen that nothing dramatically different would happen.

Quentin wanted to punch Dean Fogg. But it is not something you should do to your superior, to the one person who can explain and help and to a blind men. So instead, his nail was digging in his palm as he was clenching his fist. 

39 graves. 

They tried and failed 39 times. And now they were running out of time and it was this or nothing. No setback. Jane was dead, so was her clock and so was their chance to beat the Beast if ever they failed this time. When they will fail. Because after that much try and error, how can any combination of decision lead to success. 

But then what changed this time was Julia. And this is why Quentin was seeing red right now. Because the dean and Jane fucking Chatwin thought their life were something they could toy with. Because they didn’t care about the consequence since it didn’t impact them directly. Now they’d ruin the only chance his best friend had to learn real magic. They’d cast her away and she had to turn to a dark side of the magical world to be the witch she was now. And it wasn’t by lack of talent; by the dean’s word she was an equal match to Alice’s genius when it came to spell casting. 

He left the office slamming the door behind him, not even wanting to ask his help now. He’d thought the dean powerful enough to find a way into Filory. He was. But he didn’t care about any of it or of them. So fuck him. Fuck everything. He would find a solution elsewhere. Because for the first time in his life, he felt a stranger at Brakebills. 

His way to Julia’s apartment was blurry, filled with anxiety and anger. He was mad at the word. Not only his friend and boyfriend were out in another world fighting their way through the land he dream of going since he was nine, now he’d learn that he could have lived his magician life in Brakebills with Julia. Fuck this life. Nothing was fair. 

He knocked at Julia’s door and there was no answer. Her lights was on so either her or Kady should have been there to open the door. But nothing. As he was starting to do the Revelation Charm to see through the door, he heard a cry and a sob. 

Julia scream and tears. 

The door exploded before he realized he’d done a spell and what he walked into froze his blood and made his heart stop. 

\----------------------------------

In the list of person Quentin thought he would work with, Marina Andrieski was at the bottom of his list. Worse even, she wasn’t even on it. This girl almost killed him and had mentally torture his best friend in an ego trip that was nearly psychotic. 

But here he was casting a cooperative spell that would clean most of the mess of the apartment and would block any blood of adn to stay on; the last thing they needed was police looking for Julia’s friend and finding evidence of their brutal murder on the wall and the floor of the apartment. When it was over, he let the hedge witch finish the cleaning and handle the body as he walked to Julia’s bedroom. She was like he’d left her. Sitting on her bed, a blanket on her shoulder, looking in the distance, an untouched tea mug in her hand. 

What can you say to that? What can you do to help? When not only your hope but everything you are is getting stolen from you by trickery and massacre. There’s nothing to do, to say, to be. It was an emptiness he could never fill completely

‘’Come Jules. ‘’ He say extending a hand. 

She looked at him puzzled and didn’t move. But then she looked at the pile of clothes he had in his hand and look at hers. Her eyes went wide with fear and she started to go in panic mode realizing she was still in his bloodied clothes. 

‘’Jules, Julia. Look at me. Good. Let’s go in the bathroom and draw you a bath okay? ‘’ 

He helped her get up as she was holding herself on his arm like her life was depending on it. In all his life with her, he never saw her that way. She’d seen him broken and on the border of the abyss. But he had a mental health issue. She didn’t had any. Instead, the most vile thing was done on her. 

The bath was warm, Julia was sitting in it looking at the bubble dying slowly, Quentin was washing her hair. Damn his shyness over the naked body of his friend, she needed more his help than he was prude. So he sat on the edge of her bath, rinsing the dried blood in her skalp, trying not to imagine how it got there. 

He dried her off, gave her new clothes to wear and put her stained one in a garbage, she looked at it a long time before burning it in a swift motion. In another the flame were extinguished and the pile of clothes was now ashes and residue. 

They went into the living room, who was clean as it nothing happened before. The corpse were gone now and Marina was magically pushing the couch to be in the right place as they enter. Julia sat down on it. Marina and Quentin looked at each other. 

Silence had never hurt that much

\-----------------------  
Julia asked Marina to erase that memory from her. Quentin argued against it. Julia screamed at him. Marina drank half a bottle of vodka. They didn’t erase Julia’s memory, Marina went to look for Kady, Quentin brought back Julia to Brakebills. 

She slept in his arm that night. Where Eliot usually was. He didn’t close his eyes one second. The blood, the tears, the body, all of it came back in wave of anxiety that Julia could never see. He threw up twice that night, but she slept, thank to Eliot’s sleeping pills. 

In the morning he wanted to go see the Dean or the Medical wing. She refused, and by the way her eyes were hollow and her body was shaking, he didn’t had the force to try harder. He didn’t had the courage either to tell her that she should have studied in Brakebills. That the nightmare she was in was all because some people thought their life was worth playing for. Now she was paying a high price. Quentin wish Jane was alive so he could scream at her until he had no voice. 

But instead he made her toast, force her into eating it, made coffee and took his medication. When she asked about the other, he told her where they were. Her eyes sparked half a second when he told her Fillory was real, but it disappear. At least it was there. Rupert always said where is there something else than darkness, there is hope. Maybe he was right. 

She decided to help him. He told her she didn’t had to. But hearing your best friend say ‘’I need to stop thinking about that otherwise I will kill myself’’ have its effect. Five hours later, they were in 1942 and she had stop shaking. 

\------------  
Eliot kiss was as deep as the ache in Quentin’s heart. Seeing him back was the balm he needed after the terrible hours he spent away from his friend. The moment the enter the pub, his boyfriend was hugging him and whispering how worried he had been. He hugged Julia too. She stiffened and started shaking. Eliot stopped at look at her puzzled. 

Here is the thing about Eliot Waugh: he had this amazing capacity to read others people pain. All this craziness had started when Quentin had a meltdown in his room, he’d been on Margo’s side the moment Mike crushed her and now he looked at Julia and saw something was wrong. All he did was going to the table and come back with goblet of alcohol. Julia drank her in one gulp. 

Quentin explained how they manage to come back and where they needed to go to get the blade. Alice walked with Julia and by the way they were talking, the blond girl was trying to cheer up his best friend. The chances were slim. 

‘’What happen to her?’’ Eliot asked Quentin when they were far away enough of the girls. 

Quentin told him everything Julia and Marina had the courage to say. 

‘’Jesus fuck.’’ Whisper Eliot, taking Quentin’s hand. 

It was warm, it was reassuring, it was a good reminder that he could share his friend pain with someone. He will have to learn that, but this gesture was a good reminder. 

‘’I fucking don’t know what to do or say. ‘’ Admitted Quentin

‘’There’s nothing to do, only time can heal those kind of wounds.’’

Quentin wonder if they would have that kind of luxury. The 39 graves with his name on it were reminding him that maybe Julia wouldn’t have to survive long these terrible hours.


	23. Eliot's decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So apparently there are fine print to the blade-maker contract

Quentin was running. He heard people calling for him, but he didn’t care. The moment he could, he slipped away and ran. Their voice was diminishing, the buzz in his head felt like a wasp nest. His lungs were on fire, he tore his shirt and he forgot his bag. But he didn’t care. The forest stopped suddenly as a cliff appear. He almost fell from it and by the height of it, he would have broken his neck. Maybe he would be better that way. He wouldn’t fucking hurt like that.

Breathless and unable to run away, he fell on his knee and burst into tears as the wave of emotion was hitting him. He screamed his lung away, in hope the hurt would go with it. It didn’t do anything but made him lose his voice. He curled on himself, hoping that the black hole in his chest would diminish, but it only swallowed him. 

\------------

Quentin woke up in a bed, tucked in fur and pelts but still shivering. The cold cloth on his forehead didn’t do anything to lower his fever. Someone had stripped him of his clothes that were wet and drying by a fire.

‘’I fucking don’t know Margo. I know I should do it but….’’

‘’I know El. No one will ever force you to do this. But I wanted you to know what were the rule of a fillorian wedding. Q understood before us. ‘’

‘’Because Q knows Fillory, I don’t. He should be the High king, no me. I barely get my shit together. ‘’ 

‘’I know, but the blade….’’

‘’Well the blade can fuck itself, I can’t do that to Quentin. You’ve seen his reaction when he understood what me bleeding meant. ‘’ 

‘’I’m telling you again El, no one here is forcing you to do it. We will find another solution. ‘’

‘’What solution? There is no other and you know it….’’

Quentin forced himself back to sleep, not wanting to hear the man he love debating if he should get married to someone else. 

\--------

When he woke up, he was alone in…. where was he anyway? He remember running in the forest while it started to rain, but how he got here was a mystery. He still had his fever; staying hours under cold water was not the best of idea.

He sat up, his chest glistening with sweat and try to find his bearing. Soon enough he saw the anvil and the swords on the wall. He was still at the smith’s house. And by the light peaking by the window, he learned that night was passed. How long was he asleep? What has he missed?

‘’Hey. ‘’   
Eliot voice punched into Quentin’s voice and it’s only not to hurt him more that he forced himself to look at him. He looked like hell. His hair was disheveled, had bags under his eyes and was holding his jacket in his hand. 

Despite his body aching and the hole in his heart expanding, Quentin sat in a better position in his bed and open his arm. The surprise and happiness in Eliot’s face broke his heart. He held him in his arm and they both cried for a long time. There was no word to be said, no magic to be cast. Nothing that could make this situation less distressing. 

They only untangled themselves when Julia arrived with water and a fresher cloth for his forehead. He felt it getting warm the minute it touched his skin. 

‘’Thanks’’ He said with his hoarse voice. 

She looked at him with the same sadness he watched her two day ago. How come they life came to this. From one heartache to another. From one tragedy to another. For five minute, he was happy, and now was paying with days of agony. This is why Quentin didn’t believe in happiness. It was something that wasn’t existing that they were all chasing. But in their chase, they found only sorrow and agony. 

‘’I think we need to talk. ‘’ Julia said, sitting on the bed.

Eliot looked at her and they had a silent conversation that Quentin could not understand. Visibly they had a conversation together. Julia took Eliot’s hand and squeezed it, the older boy closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

‘’It’s ...I….’’ He fumbled and Quentin took his hand too. 

He hated seeing him in a loss of word and so vulnerable. It was his fault of putting him in this situation. If he’d haddn’t run like a coward, he wouldn’t have gotten sick and put more worry on his shoulder. He wouldn’t have to wait to have that talk making it so much harder. Eliot was miserable and it was all his fault. 

‘’Do it. ‘’ He said to his boyfriend, his heart breaking even more. 

He pushed down the emotion before it swallowed him and looked at the two person he loved the most in the world. They were looking at him like he was an alien. 

‘’What? ‘’ Julia ask 

‘’Look, I am not stupid. I know this is our only way. This….. ‘’

He wanted to say that part of him fled because he knew that it might be the only hope to beat the Beast and that it was better trying it than digging their 40th grave. But none of them knew about the time loops and he wasn’t ready to talk about that. 

‘’This blade is our only way. ‘’ He finished. ‘’And it fucking kill me but if you want to do it and I am the only reason why you are not doing it, I am telling you. Do it. ‘’ 

‘’Q….’’ Whisper Eliot, his cheek wet by his tears, his hand shaking.

Julia was crying too and he felt his eyes water with hurt and sadness. What a lovely picture they must be. 

‘’Do it. ‘’ He repeated, putting a hand on his boyfriend's face. ‘’But when the beast is defeated, give the blade to Julia. That’s all I am asking ‘’ 

He didn’t knew when he came up with the idea. Maybe it was in his half delirious fever state. But as he said those words, he knew that’s all he wanted. This would be the balm that would ease the ache. Not cover it, but at least make it less hurtful. 

‘’To….’’ 

Eliot looked at Quentin then at Julia who had her hand on her mouth, her eyes wide with awe. Quentin only manage a pained smile to both of them. 

‘’She has her own god to kill. ‘’ He simply said to his boyfriend. 

Julia sobbed, Quentin took her hand. He felt his fever sparking but he tried to beat the cold sweat running down his back. He needed to be there and awake for them. They sacrificed so much to be with him, it was time to give back everything he had, to show how much he fucking cared. 

\----------------------  
Quentin’s fever broke by the time moon was rising. While he had napped, Julia had explain everything to Eliot. They both knew the moment Quentin gave him the push to do it, Eliot would accept the offer. Because this was the kind of men he was; raising up in the most unexpected way to accomplished amazing things. 

Everyone got to work to prepare the wedding, Margo was a mess of emotion and Alice and Penny were trying to be practical but were visibly shaken, Quentin manage to get out of bed and wash before the ceremony. As he got back to his room to get his clothes, he found Eliot on his bed, his eye still filled with sadness but his appearance now clean and controlled. To people that don’t know him, he looked above everything happening. The better actor Quentin ever knew. 

‘’Come here. ‘’ He said, patting the bed. Quentin obeyed. ‘’Before we go there, I just...I want to tell you that I love you. I always will. ‘’ He put his forehead on his, linking their hand together. ‘’And you made me happy and a better person. I don’t think I would have had the courage to do this if it wasn’t from how much you changed my life. ‘’ 

Quentin felt his heart swollen with love instead of pain, he tried to grab to the feeling before it pass. 

‘’Don’t think this change anything to how I feel about you okay? ‘’ Eliot finished, his voice breaking. 

Quentin’s hand touched Eliot’s face and wipe the tear forming on his eyes. 

‘’I love you too. ‘’ He simply said before leaning for a kiss. 

And as everyone was getting busy to do the wedding and the preparation, Eliot made love to Quentin like he never did before. It wasn’t rough, it wasn’t soft. It was loving, and caring and each kiss, each trust, was to show him how he loved him. They made love for hours, knowing it was the last time. 

No one came to bother them.


	24. Final boss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They learn, loved, fucked, studied, trained, laugh, cried, scream and lived. Now it is time to show the Beast that it wasnt for nothint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter, there will be only one left. Thank you very much to keep up with me. You are making everything worth it.

You know what’s more awful than watching your boyfriend getting married? Learning that the said boyfriend have now to sleep with his wife until they have a baby. 

So Quentin decided to leave the Blacksmith estate for the day and follow Julia in her quest of the Gods. It seems like the possibility to exact revenge on the trickster has spark life back to her and she was determine to find solutions. 

‘’How does the blade knows you are a master magician though?’’ She ask, walking in a narrow passage

‘’How does the Mjöllnir knows who’s worthy? Same thing Jules. ‘’

‘’Did you compare our blade to Thor’s hammer. ‘’ 

‘’Bite me’’ 

Seeing her smile and trying to joke felt good. Both of them were trying not to fall into darkness but being side by side into this made it bearable. Alice, Penny, Margo and Josh were taking care of saving Victoria. Holy shit they looked like they were in a book. He should write it down, just to remind himself that everything happening wasn’t a fantasy.

Apparently Fillory and further never mentioned how smelling and undignified Amber could be. This supposedly god was not only cowering in his tomb, but was more enigmatic than anything. Now Quentin had a vile of -this is so disgusting- godly sperm that the blade holder would have to drink before. Amber told Julia she wouldn’t need it when the time to have it will happen. Which made no sense. She was not a master magician, none of them were. But from what he knew from the book, Quentin could tell this was a riddle they would need to solve later. 

When they came back, the other were back from the invisible castle with Victoria and… 

‘’Holy shit. ‘’ Quentin said, looking at Christopher Plover.

Part of him was in awe of seeing the man who wrote books that save his life, but another part remember everything he saw in his estate when they had to find the button. The only reason why he didn’t punched him was how talk active he became. And how he held the last piece of the puzzle of the beast identity. 

Could Quentin’s heart be even more broken?

\-------------------------------------------------------------------  
Eliot didn’t came back that night. Quentin had waited until his eyes hurt and exhaustion washed over him. He woke up in Julia’s arm, apparently having cried in his sleep. They stayed tangled together for awhile, holding what was left of their sanity. Young, they both had dream magic was real, and now they lay broken and emptied by it. 

‘’I don’t think I can do this. ‘’ He said to her after awhile. 

She smiled sadly and tuck his hair behind his ears. 

‘’I know you can, even Amber chose you has his champion.’’ 

‘’That’s the thing Jules. I don’t feel like one. ‘’ He close his eyes, trying to assemble his thought and feeling more dizzy and confused than anything else. ‘’The best of us isn’t me. It’s Alice. Believe me that girl can do things I didn’t even know existed.’’ 

He rolled out on his back and look at the wooden roof, trying to assemble coherent ideas. A headache was starting to arrive and he cursed himself for it. Today was not the day to have any kind of problem. 

‘’ I know I am good at Fillory stuff. Like, I love magic. I fucking love it Jules, and I know you do to.‘’ 

His best friend nodded, listening. Lying in a bed and emptying his heart to her felt like they were back in high school, when he was battling his first depressive episode and she would listen to his anxious babbling for hours. 

‘’But understanding and doing magic, I am not the best. I am an average magician. Amber said the stronger the better. I…. I think Alice should do it.’’ He look at her. ‘’I don’t think I am the hero in this story…..What do you think’’

She smiled and took his hand.

‘’If the Beast is targeting you like you said, I think he believes you are the champion too. Let’s outsmart the son of a bitch. ‘’

\------------------------------------

‘’We know it’s you Martin. ‘’ Said Quentin, looking at the moth-man that filled his nightmare for dreams. 

His heart sank when the Beast confirmed its identity. Part of him, a small childish part, hoped he was wrong and the boy he use to pretend to be with Julia in his backyard didn’t become a psychotic killer and magic thief. Well like anything else in Fillory, nothing was like it is in the book, just another deception to put on the pile of things in his life. 

‘’Usually you are all dead by now. ‘’ Martin chuckled, his face now cleared of insects. 

He was old, white haired and eyes that could kill you with a glare. He was nothing of the little scared boy he met in the wood with Julia in his way back to his friends. He wanted to be outrage and ask him what happened to him. But he saw first hand what kind of nightmare Plover forced him through. The fact that they were in a replica of his office was the proof. 

‘’Well this is it, no next time, isn’t what you wanted. ‘’ Quentin said. ‘’Isn’t that why you sent Mike to Brakebills. To fuck us up and kill Jane? So here we are, and this time it is your grave we will dig’ ’

Probably his friend didn’t understand half of what he said since he didn’t took the time to explain who Eliza was or the whole time loop thing. But the memory of Mike and what he did to Margo was fresh in everyone’s mind and would stirred a rage they might need in order to beat him. Anyway, it summon his courage.

‘’I think that’s the nicest speech you gave me before dying. ‘’ Martin mused, his eyes sparking. ‘’Thankfully, it is your last one. For real this time.’’

A second later, Quentin felt his throat close as Martin used the same technique Darth Vader had to choke people. The fact that he could think about that while gasping from air made Penny snort, but snapped him out of his surprise and he launched the first battle magic spell on Martin. It didn’t work as much as it should, but the gash it gave on his arm made the Beast distracted enough to release his grip over Quentin. He shoved him toward Plover’s desk, hitting his head on the corner and making him star and taste blood. Eliot ran toward him as Julia and Margo were casting everything they could. 

‘’Oh for love of Christ. ‘’ Growl the Beast, blocking an air punch from Julia. 

From one swift move, he lifted Penny’s arm and sliced his hand off him, stopping the magic missile he was about the cast. The cry of agony he did, mixed with the gasp of stupor of Alice filled the room. After dropping Penny of the floor, Martin turned away toward Julia and Margo who flew across the room and into the wall. The loud cracking sound it made gave Quentin a punch in the heart. Despair filled him as he saw the corpse of Julia and Margo piled on each other. 

Before he could do anything, Eliot was rushing toward the beast, screaming and crying and Martin stopped him in a movement, choking him. The Beast cocked his head and looked at him. It took everything Quentin was not too look at his boyfriend fighting for his life but to Alice, who was kneeling next to an agonizing Penny. Their eye contact unfroze her and she nodded. 

‘’Long live the King.’’ Martin laugh and Quentin saw Eliot body fall in a pool of his own blood, his eyes, nose and mouth still bleeding profusely. 

Quentin had wanted to distract the Beast from Alice but the scream and the sob he made watching the man he love dead at his feat was enough to keep all the attention toward him. Quentin kneel on Eliot body, shaking and unable to think or even realize that he should fight. What was the point of surviving this if everyone he loved was dead. 

‘’See that’s the thing Quentin, you always think that being the champion will save you, but you never think of how you end up sending your friend in a suicidal quest.’’ Martin say, towering over him.

Quentin backed away from him, his hand and knee soaked with blood. 

‘’And every time I take pleasure into looking at you lose hope and nearly asking me to die. ‘’ 

‘’That’s where you are wrong Martin. ‘’ Quentin said, still crying and afraid, but hating him enough to talk. ‘’I am not the champion this time. ‘’

The puzzled face Martin had only lasted a second before a genuine surprise lighten his face; Alice had snuck behind him and stabbed him in the back, right where the back. She pulled it out as Martin took a step back walked in front of him and push the blade right in his chest to make sure she touched him. 

‘’No….’’ Said Martin, sinking on the floor. ‘’Please.’’ 

Alice stood over him with a rage Quentin never saw painted on anyone’s face. 

‘’The last think you deserve is mercy. ‘’ Alice spit before slicing his neck and shoving the knife into the wound. 

She back down and sat next to Quentin, looking and hearing the Beast die, choking in his own blood. 

\------------------------  
Everyone was eating Fenn’s sandwich. They were good, the beer was too and there was this kind of fruit that tasted like chocolate cake that Quentin couldn’t stop eating. Margo was drinking, talking about their next move, Eliot’s hand was on Quentin’s tight, the other grabbing another sandwich. Alice and Penny were gone to a healing spring, hoping to save his hand.

They fucking did it. Earth and Fillory was freed from the Beast. 

Here’s the thing about swallowing God sperm; it gives you mad power. After unfreezing from the horror of the battle, Alice had realized the scene next to her and looked at Quentin whose arm was in a weird and inhuman angle. The adrenaline and fear of the moment did that the magician never noticed his broken arm. The blond girl, shaking, told him to trust him and with a touched, everything was back in place, the pain in his body, entirely gone. 

‘’God power. ‘’ Alice said a shy smile. ‘’I… I think I can save them. ‘’

Quentin nodded and watched her bring back Julia and Margo to life with a simple push of her finger, she used a healing spell and Eliot stop bleeding and open his eyes, choking, gasping, but alive. Penny hand couldn’t be fused back together, but she had stopped the bleeding and made sure they could try to fix him once everything would be over. Before his eye, Quentin saw the most powerful magician he knew revive his friends. That’s where he broke down and started to cry. 

And now they were here, laughing, bickering, eating and alive. Everything they were had lead to this, now they had the rest of their life to figure out the rest.


	25. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6 months later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it folks. Thank you so much to follow me in this amazing adventure that was this fic. I read your comment like a starved man in front of food. You kept me going. Thank you

Quentin fell into depression after the battle. He tried not to, really tried, but there were thing too big to live without a mark. Despite the medication, the magic and the care of his friend, he got sick. And that’s the thing, there is nothing he could have done more about it.

As promise, Julia got the blade and she left Fillory to go find Marina and Kady to chase after Reynard. In the last news he’d heard, she was in Europe and was known as one of the most powerful hedge witch in this world. 

Penny was a librarian now, bound for eternity to the powerful source of knowledge. Alice was back on earth doing an advanced degree in physical magic. Apparently they kept seeing each other into her dreams. How did they made it work, he didn’t know and didn’t care. They seemed happy with that arrangement and that was what matter. 

Of course, from time to time Alice came to Whitespire. As a Queen of Fillory -Eliot’s thanks to her action into battle- she helped Fillory as much as she could. But she still went back on Earth every time, starving for knowledge and understanding that this world couldn’t provide. 

Eliot was now embracing being a High king. Things were not as easy as he might have hope, but with he help of Margo, they ruled Fillory with all the heart and soul they could. They were not the most loved, but they were trying to be just, to be loyal and to care for other. Their reign at the physical cottage might have prepare them for this, because he never saw them so much alive and attentive to something. They found their place where they belong; on top of a throne. 

And Quentin was back at the Midtown Mental Health clinic, trying to make sense of his life and what happen in the past year. Between learning that you are a magician, died 39 times and lose his boyfriend to an arranged marriage, there was too much emotion to feel and he was too little equiped for them. Dean Fogg had made sure he was seen by a Brakebill alumni who happen to be a psychiatrist. Apparently these exist. 

Slowly, carefully, he made sense of what happen and of his life. His dad died. Alice and Margo came to help him at the funeral. Eliot had written to him a ten page letter that he read every night before sleeping. His Fillory book were not open once since he came back to Earth. 

He got better and had to leave the clinic. With a lot of discussion and debate, he decided to go back to Fillory and be the king Eliot asked him to be. It was better being by his side than wander aimlessly without a goal. They he had one and it would keep him busy all his life 

He expected Margo to pick him up from the hospital. She was the one that brought him here in the first place. But his jaw dropped when he saw Fenn, in her ethereal beauty, still wearing Fillorian clothes, waving at him with the brightest smile she could have., 

He tried to hate her at first. He’d really really tried. But he couldn’t. Because she was good, she was kind, she was funny, she was beautiful and she was smart and not scared to tell Eliot when he was going to far. How could you hate someone like that? But he came in peace with her during his month of therapy. Now he wanted to be her friend and be happy for her pregnancy. 

‘’They gave me the button. ‘’ She said as they walked out of the gray building, the sea water hitting Quentin’s nose like a breath of fresh air. ‘’ Now let’s change you from those gray things and put you in something better. ‘’ 

They went to Alice apartment. In fact, it was Eliot’s loft but since he didn’t had use anymore, he gave it to her. She wanted to pay him but -apparently- he said her debt was paid when she resurrected him. 

Both girl forced him out of his sweater to put something more fitting and elegant. Maybe they knew how nervous he was to see Eliot. He had no idea what they were anymore and the discussion frighten him. It was a crucial one, but he couldn’t stop the dozen of worst case scenario to come in his head. 

Alice, as well dressed as him and Fenn, announced she was coming with them and in the touched of a button, they were back in Fillory, in Whitespire castle. Fenn hugged Quentin so hard he felt it in his ribs. 

‘’I am happy you’re back. Welcome to the family. ‘’ She said, kissing his cheek and leaving. 

Alice took Quentin hand and turn him around, fixing his hair and hugging him. He hid in the crook of her neck, her scent making him remember thousand of memories. Good one and bad ones. He was so happy she was still in his life despite everything. 

‘’Now don’t freak out. ‘’ Alice said once the hug was over

‘’Every time one of you say that, I freak out you know that right. ‘’ He said, nervous but still smiling. 

She smiled back. 

‘’Yeah but you wil like this one. ‘’ She took his arm and guided him through the castle, dozen of people were walking and talking, all stopping to bow at their presence. It was still unsetelling to see people do that. But what was weirder was the amount of people in the castle. 

‘’ I did research on Filorian law for a school project. ‘’ Alice said ‘’Don’t judge it was fascinating and did helped us more time than I thought it would. Anyway, I came to the passage of the High King’s law of marriage. ‘’They stopped at the door of the throne room, Alice smiling brightly, him as confused as ever. ‘’And Eliot is allowed to have a wife and a husband. At the same time. ‘’ 

Quentin’s knee buckled and only Alice holding him made him not fall on the floor. He looked at his friend with bewilderment.  
‘’W...what?’’ He said, his eyes filling with water. 

Alice dried his tears with one of her finger and raised her arm to him. 

‘’Can I walk you down the aisle. ‘’ 

On that she pushed the door and there it was. Hundred of people on chairs turning their head to look at him, smiling, crying or taking note of his attire. But he wasn’t noticing them. He only saw at the end of the white carpet, was Eliot. All white dressed and the biggest smile he’d ever worn. A priest was waiting for him. Fenn was waiting in the back, glowing and winking. 

The kiss they shared when they were pronounced married was filled with love, longing and hurt. It lasted forever and made the crowd laugh. But Quentin didn’t care. 

It was not a happily ever after. He learned the hard way that this kind of fantasy is bulshit. But he will live the hardship and sorrow as a king of Fillory, as Eliot as his husband. And that was his happily ever after. 

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Don't forget to like and comment if you enjoy it, it help me keep writting!


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